There is always a reason people choose to overlook obvious signs. I have been thinking about it a lot. I swear I had no idea this was happening when he was still living with us. I SENSED he was attracted to her, but thought his foul mood/anger etc were because he felt he was tempted and didnt know what to do. I wouldnt believe anyone if they told me that they had been meeting everyday for a year before he moved out...
I was more aware of my surroundings when he said he wanted back. I could see he was weird. What confused me this time was that I couldnt answer the question "why would he come back AFTER a WHOLE year, risk my kids' emotional state if he didnt mean it or if he wanst clear he loved me?". That seemed too absurd and more mashocistic than sadistic to me. Especially since I was on a friendly mode with him, making sure he saw the kids etc etc... It's just didnt make sense. The fact that he kept at this for almost a year -more if I had not found out I suspect- was not making sense to me.
I believe a lot of people could reconcile. I believe timing is crucial. I believe that people either reconcile very fast or have to wait till a cycle closes and a new chapter is about to begin.
I cant think of reconciling with my stbxH. NOT because of what he did. I cant lie. When I agreed to try, I knew there had been another woman. Not for so long and not one he fell so much in love with, but I knew I would have to get over that part as well. It was not a dealbreaker. And I am not aware of other affairs, I believe he is not the serial cheater type. There was/is SOME good in him. I think he made the worst choices when faced with guilt. So immature and lousy choices.
I cant think of reconciling with him because I believe he is lacking all those qualities that make people fighters. It actually is the reason he turned to this woman. Isntead of fighting to "fix" what was broken (because there was something wrong with us), he just... replaced it.
If I was in his shoes and felt I loved him, I would be doing EVERYTHING in my power to make him change his mind. EVERYTHING. If he, lets assume- was feeling he loved me, he wouldnt be able to overcome himself and fight for me. And that is NOT the man I want by my side. I dont want a man that gives up.
So, John and FIB and Bill, I am not as absolute as you guys are about some things. Maybe I am a hopeless romantic like Ali says. But I am looking forward to my future. And I dont plan to miss another chance. If I get it. K
