Divorce not busted 3

[Orich]

Sara, actually the dinner was at our house. FIL lives in apt. in our house, and he comes up for dinner occasionally. After we were done eating, I started to clear the table. That's when he said that the cook has to clean, huh? I kinda chuckled. I had no problem cleaning up. That's when W chimed in.

[faithisbelieving]

No matter how long I am here, I still can't believe the similarity of the patterns.

The ring thing. Oh man. It DOES matter. BUT...obsessing over it is a waste of energy. Ignoring it is like being told "don't go down cheeseless tunnels." Process it. Realize that your W is saying something. Move forward with yourself.

I'll say one thing in line with Coach. My head is spinning with the descriptions and analysis. My DB coach once said to me, "Just be."

Orich...just be....YOURSELF. The most difficult thing to do here is to just let this go and function as a man...as a father...as a husband. Direct this as such without pressure or pursuit. The old Irish saying...accept those things you can change and those you can't.

Still living together
Wife doesn't think she will ever love me again

Even if that last line is the case, you will survive and be OK. Sure...saving this is the goal and ALL of us pray for you here. It's the growth and journey forward that matters. And if you can let go of all the self-blame and victimization, realize that the tools you used in the past were no good (brand X) and now you're buying NEW tools (Craftsmen)....and look at this as a lesson in life and NOT a failure, well, then...you may just be surprised who might be standing next to you in the roller coaster ride called life when the dust clears.

Stay tuf'.
FIB
(fellow NY'er still under the same roof with his.......wife)

[Kettricken]

Hey, O ....

Run everything through the filter of "what would I do for a good friend?" If you're sharing a house with a good friend, does it seem reasonable to clean what need cleaning as you see it? etc. What you'd be willing to do as a cooperative member of a functional peaceful household ... do that.

The comment about the grilling struck me. Why would it matter AT ALL what your wife wants as it relates to how much effort you are willing to put forth? Aren't your kids worth the trouble of a home-grilled meal? Aren't you worth it, too??? Something to think about. I know you went ahead and did it anyway, which is great. I just don't understand why you even felt the mental/emotional need to involve her at all (beyond asking what she wanted).

[Orich]

I genuinely thought I was doing something nice that didn't appear to be pursuing. We were all home, no plans for dinner, so I figured I would grill (which I love doing anyway) and I asked her if she wanted me to make one of her favorite meals. We didn't have anything in the fridge, so I had to go to the store anyway.
I wanted to grill for me. And the boys like grilled chicken, too. So, I was going to be cooking on the grill anyway.
I think she wasn't interested simply because I asked. She seems to be looking for things to be angry about.

[Kettricken]

I genuinely thought I was doing something nice that didn't appear to be pursuing. ..... I think she wasn't interested simply because I asked. She seems to be looking for things to be angry about.

You are assuming facts not in evidence and assigning motives. Not helpful.

You tried to do "something nice". It was; nothing wrong with that. But then you got upset when she didn't respond the way YOU thought she should to your kind gesture. A kind gesture is its own reward. The recipient shouldn't feel compelled to respond in a certain way, ESPECIALLY if this requires mind reading: "He's offering me food -- I really don't feel hungry, and even if I was I'm not in the mood for anything grilled. But I can't say that; it will hurt his feelings, because he's trying to be so nice." How would you like it if you had to run every offer from her through those kind of mental convolutions or risk hurting her feelings?

I can't recall .... have you read "No More Mr. Nice Guy"?

[C-Bart]

Relax O, your driving yourself crazy. Its easy to second guess every little thing.

[Orich]

I don't believe I got upset. In fact, I kinda shrugged when she said she didn't want to eat and said no problem, I'm going to the market now and getting a steak and I'll skip the fish. Really, I was fine with it. I got to grill, and I made what I wanted to eat. She ended up eating the steak with us.
I haven't read "No More Mr. Nice Guy". It is on my reading list.

[Orich]

Bart, it is easy, and I am trying very hard to stop. I am making some progress, honest. I don't hear from her all day anymore, and at first I used to find things to call or text her about, just so she would answer me. Not anymore.

[C-Bart]

I'm with you. I do the exact same thing. What about this? What if I do that? Makes it hard to concentrate on anything else.

One of my goals for this week is to pull back on the time spent here on the DB forum. Although I get some great advice and support, I can't help but think it has become an obsession for me. Not going to quit all together but I'm going to limit my time to 15-20 minutes a day. The rest of the time I'll just have to do the best I can with the knowledge and principles from the DB practitioners etched in my forehead.

Think I'll put this on my post as well. I'm on the road today so it should be fairly easy to step away.

[Orich]

I am obsessed with this forum as well. I used to think it keeps me sane, but now I wonder if I need a break. Every time I read someone's positive post, I get jealous and discouraged. I can't keep doing that.