Thinker - I think Option 3 is fair to begin with. Let them know, "When you do/say this/that/like that, W feels xyz. Oh sure, you don't mean to xyz but gosh, she really feels that way. Now that you are aware, I know you'll take care." Only fair for them to know. Then...if they persist...Option 1 b/c, you can explain, you won't have your W hurt. Minimizing contact minimizes hurt. Their choice.
Greek
Me45 H46 T25 M22 S21 & 19 D13 Separated and filed 8/08 Moved home 11/08
NO.. Your best option is to use the one that WORKS...
Let me show you how to do it..
Your wife says... "I don't think your dad likes me, he criticizes everything I say"........
YOUR BEST ANSWER.... "Yes, he does say some pretty critical things to you and I know exactly what you mean. Do you think I should say something to him, because I am about to...
THAT is what works....
Agree with HER postion. (yes dear, he is critical, do you think I should say something to him for you)
Your wife will then say something like this....
"No don't say anything to him because he seems to be like that to everybody"...
See, she will then say the very thing YOU wanted to tell her, which was that he does that to everybody. She already knows this. The only way to get her to change course is to agree that he is critical, ask her if she wants you to say something to him about it and then wait for her response. I would bet that she will say no. She is just telling your her feelings. This is how women do it. LEARN TO AGREE WITH HER....
Get it?
You then win.. She then changes her position because you AGREED with her original one. She is just complaining.. Let her be who she is and jump on her side of issues...
Cbert, I like what you wrote. I'm going to talk to my folks and ask them to resume normal relations with W. Then I will tell W that I spoke to them and that they want to talk to her again.
Me-40 W-41 Together-10 M-8 S-6 S-4 Bomb 5/08 Bomb 10/08 Thought things were better, was wrong. Still living together Wife doesn't think she will ever love me again.
Option Four: the Gucci Option. If you haven't already been doing something very like what Gucci recommends, do that first.
In my experience, no matter how we feel about our parents, their dysfunctions are part of the air we breathe. We're *used* to it, we know how to cope (if we're even aware at all) in most cases. Our spouses don't have that "advantage", nor do we with their parents, which is a good thing to keep in mind.
I'm really uncomfortable with Option One. While I am ALL for validating her irritations and hurts for SURE, and maybe trying some Option Three, nobody's family is perfect; they're still family. If all else fails -- and frankly, why should they have to walk on eggshells around your wife any more than she should around them -- she doesn't have to go see them. She's a big girl. But feeling like you have to "choose" .... uh-uh. That way lies toxic co-dependency. Ok, I went back and re-read and I was wrong. You are talking about minimizing your *wife's* contact, not yours. I would certainly give her that option, guilt-free, if she can't handle them.
But honestly, I disagree that you have to throw yourself on the grenade here. She is an adult. They are adults. If it was a mutual friend she was having a problem with, would you get up in the middle of it and try to fix things?
That said, definitely validate in private for sure and defend her in public if it's warranted; sensitivity to her feelings is appropriate.
Last edited by Kettricken; 09/08/0904:07 PM.
"Show me a completely smooth operation and I'll show you someone who's covering mistakes. Real boats rock." -- Frank Herbert
I understand and think it is a good approach. I struggle with agreeing with her.
She does not say ... "I don't think your dad likes me, he criticizes everything I say".....
She says "God your dad is F...ked up! He's such a .....", which leaves me saying / thinking "Back off!! that's my family you are talking about!!"
I do understand the approach you are suggesting, just have to modify it a bit.
I also can definitely do a better job of managing my dad. For example, if the kids make a mess and he is upset, he either complains loudly to the world about it (making sure everyone hears) or grumps at my w, in which case I don't ever even know it happened (until I find out later if my w tells me) I can definitely make it clear to him that if he is unhappy with something that someone in my family does, then he needs to pull me aside and say something TO ME - not to anyone else.
Me 42, W 39, S8, S6, S2 M 11y, A & ILYBNILWY 11/08 Walking away from a bad situation.
You are talking about minimizing your *wife's* contact, not yours. I would certainly give her that option, guilt-free, if she can't handle them.
I have given my W this option on a number of occastions: "I am going to visit my parents and taking the kids with me. I'd love it if you would come, but understand if you don't. Why don't you stay and enjoy a relaxing weekend alone"
Each time, she get's angry and ends up going. I finally figured out that even more than not wanting to go, she does not want to be perceived by my family as not wanting to go.
This is why I disagree with you a bit Kettricken. This isn't a mutual friend. This is MY family. She has no reason to have any relationship with them except that she is married to me. If this were a mutual friend, she would just back off from the friendship. She can't do that without pulling away from her kids grandparents.
Last edited by Thinker; 09/08/0904:21 PM.
Me 42, W 39, S8, S6, S2 M 11y, A & ILYBNILWY 11/08 Walking away from a bad situation.
That's a communications style thing (the "your dad is so f'd up!" etc). I don't dig it either, personally .... against all advice, right? ad hominem attacks vs. pinpointing behaviors. But in this situation, you'd probably be well-served by responding to the emotion. You don't have to agree with the ad hominem, but you can mirror back specific instances of "OMG I know, it's so irritating when he says x,y,z; I hate it when he does that too" or things of that nature.
If you're at all typical (and of course you may not be, but stick with me here; grin) you have dealt with familial vagaries by minimizing them in your own mind. Your choice, and a coping mechanism we're probably all familiar with. But you don't have the right to minimize them FOR HER. Even in an attempt to make her calmer and happier; wink. (BTDT t-shirt) Her anger, if that's what you've been trying to do (consciously or unconsciously,) is well-justified ... and counterproductive for you.
"Show me a completely smooth operation and I'll show you someone who's covering mistakes. Real boats rock." -- Frank Herbert
Each time, she get's angry and ends up going. I finally figured out that even more than not wanting to go, she does not want to be perceived by my family as not wanting to go.
You may be right. If so, that's a fight she's having with herself. Don't insert yourself into it.
Just make sure she knows that you *sincerely do* understand and empathize with why she might not want to, and assure her of your full support either way; no covert guilt trips.
"Show me a completely smooth operation and I'll show you someone who's covering mistakes. Real boats rock." -- Frank Herbert
Each time, she get's angry and ends up going. I finally figured out that even more than not wanting to go, she does not want to be perceived by my family as not wanting to go.
She doesn't think in her absence you will stand up for her if they start bad-mouthing her. She wants you to choose her (your family) over your FOO when it comes time to take a stand. This is very much a emotional issue. That's why agreeing with her matters so much. I would still take action with your parents to let them know about your issues with how they treat your wife. Your Dad doesn't treat everybody this way.
Something must be done to break the cycle. DB your parents.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
