Thanks. I am good. Haven't felt this way consistently in a long time.
Funny, H is actually talking to ME about all of this more than to S, but it is ok. What he has been saying to S, finally, has also been quite interesting, they WAY more than anything. He expounds to S some of the things he has said to me.
I thought I had a good idea of who/what stunted him, but I am getting a much bigger clearer picture of it now.
I always appreciate your insight.
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
H keeps coming back from the toy shop with toys for eight year olds (toddlers cannot operate, H loves them!). H listens very very carefully when I give toddlers reasons why they should not hit etc (eg we must always respect each other). His family don't really talk about things like that, its more "dont hit".
Will see what I hear him saying over the next few weeks....
I am no longer concerned about my M. I am more concerned that H heals. I know I have said that before, but as I have watched and listened, I realize that it really is his growth that I feel good about. I don't even care what it might mean for the future other than he might eventually not have those dead eyes someday.
When I said that before, I meant it, but I think I was trying in part to convince myself because I didn't feel it. But I do now.
Have a good day everyone.
Mach, hope your trip went well and that you had a blast for all of us.
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
Okay, this MLC stuff is fascinating. I was reading through your thread and the posts Mach wrote about his friend post-MLC and her insights, as well as what you have written and what you just wrote about your H revisiting his past. I am really interested in hearing about what post-MLCers say, what they remember, what they went through. The human mind is extremely complex.
Sitting out by the pool (sunburn and all) does sound more enjoyable than home improvement projects! :)Glad you got to have fun as well!
Just wanted to add that I feel the same way about my H. While I do still want my marriage, I want him to feel whole and healthy again. I think what is driving a lot of his MLC is the lack of validation he received in his childhood. It is also what I think (in looking back) that has been driving his perfectionism and workaholism which has been getting worse and worse with each passing year the past few years. I can't help but think if he is able to work through it all that will improve as well.
trusting, You have hit the nail on the head! Validation, affirmation, admiration, etc., are all that the mlcer has missed out on. When not being recognized for the person that they are or what they've accomplished, they become stunted. Some were emotionally, physically or sexually abused, others, just left to their own devices while their parents did their own thing.
It's very important to step back and allow them to experiment and rediscover the person that they've stuffed down inside for such a long time.
I'm not surprised to read about the purchase of toys. My xh purchased a number of matchbox cars and sat in the floor playing w/them just as if he were a young boy. They also will become resentful of their own children while going through this, so be prepared for that as well.
Please remember, you didn't break them...you cannot fix them. They have to grow up all on their own. Some will and some won't.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I am doing my best to sit back and let him figure it out. The hardest part is that I am the one who has been his biggest fan for almost 20 years now, validating him and praising him as much as I could and yet now I am the one person he doesn't seek approval from . . .
He doesn't want your approval...he's seeking the approval of someone who stunted his growth as a child. The hardest part of this journey is to understand that we didn't screw them up as children. We, unfortunately, came along after they had stuffed the emotional hurt down so deep that they wouldn't, couldn't talk about it. It's called denial and then something later in life, be it a life transition or something else will bring those old stuffed feelings back to the surface and that's when we become the person (authority figure) that they lash out at.
We have to just let them go, cut their teeth on the life that they were denied and be there are friends for now.
I agree with Snodderly re not screwing up our spouses as kids BUT we have to look in the mirror at ourselves too to see how we contributed to our spouses unhappiness.
So much goes on at a subconscious level. They push, we pull, they spin, we spin faster and so we`re off on a merry go round.
I have unwittingly fallen into the pattern of H`s parents` dysfunctional relationship. I became his Mom all controlling, ANGRY, to his replication of his Dad`s pattern-withdrawn, and ANGRY.
Phew! Great to get out of that dance!
Can`t blame the parents for all of it. Its essential to look at ourselves.
