Go and "be" there. Be present and and supportive for your wife and her family. You don't have to go in to see Grandma. It would be a loving thing to do for all of them.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
I can't physically be there. My wife has made it clear that I am not wanted at the hospital. I am public enemy number one. She just came back to get the kids to go to the hospital and didn't even come in the house - texted daughter ahead of time so they could meet her in the driveway. I am clearly not to be any part of this.
A while ago, I did something to her that really hurt her and completely turned her off sexually. Sex had been rare for a while and non existent recently. I only found out last night how much that one occurence had destroyed her.
We kind of glossed over that little tidbit huh?
I think you should fess up to this "something."
Not because I need or want to know, but because it looks like a key here. I could fill in that "something" with any one of a number of things that could "hurt" a woman. (Matter of fact, you used the word "destroyed")(heavy term to use) Some of them to the point of no return for her...
Start there.....
Spill the beans, the net and this forum is anonymous and you aren't going to get anywhere fast if you don't speak up about what you did otherwise you're just sitting on this forum typing up numerous posts and wasting time.
Didn't mean to gloss over it. Too long a story for my typing skills to properly explain it.
I think it is 100% a key here. It obviously has been eating away at her for months. Since I can't take it back and have already aplogised and admitted that it was horribly wrong, there is little I can do regarding that issue. If it has hurt her to the point of no return, than it has.
If not, and she does come home at some point, hopefully over time the wound will heal. So..the focus now is what to do if she does come home and what do if she doesn't. I think I am in a holding pattern for a couple of days. Important days they are - they are going to lead to the bomb (or something like that) or to an opportunity to save our marriage a second time.
You hope the wound will heal but if you put in the same effort into the apology for whatever you did (which would probably help us in assisting you here) as you do in these forum posts which really don't tell us anything, I think you're going in circles and getting nowhere.
I'm going to say it like it is and I expect a few users on this forum to get their feathers ruffled by the way I respond but so be it, someone has to say it.
You said you were here a few years ago and you successfully db'ed your marriage but you ended up here again. I don't think you db'ed successfully, if you have done any of what you've done & mentioned in your posts thus far, your wife just came back to you because she had no place to go at that point in time and if she comes back again it will be for the same reason, nothing more.
You post numerous times without really saying anything.
I think you contact her too much, no contact is a principle that works yet you're doing the opposite. Phone calls, emails, texts, facebook games (giving her an animal on farmville or some other such nonsense), asking her if you can go by her work to give her a hug, etc. You were a previous db'er and you forgot everything?!
What do you think all of the above communicates to her? I'll tell you what it communicates to me just from your posts as you write them: you're needy, insecure, not very masculine, not very attractive, selfish (you did something to her that "destroyed" her but don't want to go in details because of your typing skills which appear to be intact counting the number of posts you've made thus far on this thread).
Be a man, own up to what you did whatever you did because apparently it was enough for her to say in her mind, "I've had enough", you have to think about the thought process behind this. You've done something or things so badly that this person doesn't want to live with you or be with you anymore - read this part several times till you get it in your head & understand it. This person was either turned off or hurt so much by your actions that the thought of living with you isn't something they can stomach anymore. I have to wonder what other actions you do perform regularly which make this thought pop up into your wife's head.
Then the talk of moving out, and leaving your bed so that she can sleep there and be comfortable and you will sleep in another room, etc. None of that follows any db principles that I'm aware of.
First you screw up so then you think the way back to her heart is to show her you have little or no value and you would move out of your home or possibly your bedroom? How is any of that attractive? How does that atone for your actions that were hurtful against her? All you would do is "train" her to treat you badly because you've treated her badly in many ways. Is this really what you want?
Apparently she has told her family what you've done and by your own accounts you are now public enemy number 1. Seriously, what the heck did you do to sway all of their opinions uniformly against you that they wouldn't even want you at the hospital during this time?
Own up to what you did, I think it will help us in charting a course for what you can do if anything can be possibly done to get you on the road to fixing your relationship and your personal thought process.
If you're not willing to do any of this, I can't believe you're serious in db'ing and you're just hear to wallow in self-pity and hope people will feel sorry for you.
That's a "2x4", you've just been whacked, if you've been here before, you know you get those from time to time because you're not doing what you're supposed to be doing.
The ball is in your court now, please "don't gloss over" the required details, you want support & help, time for YOU to be HONEST about what you've done to hurt your wife so much. Time to be a man about all of this, that's where it starts.
Wow RobX. Thanks for the smack in the brain. Seriously.
I have lots of time to type now, so time to admit what I did. My wife is a stunningly attractive woman with an incredible body. She has always felt that I usually want sex just because of how hot she is. For this reason (and others I am sure) our sex life has been very limited over the last few years. It has been non existent for the 4 months (approx)since the incident I am about to admit to. We had the R talk yesterday and I now know it was the final straw for her.
One night I came home from work and my wife was in bed. She was naked and looking great as usual. I crawled into bed and tried to initiate sex with her. I wasnt aware that she had taken sleeping pills after drinking a fair amount. She had a very bad day and often drinks to escape. She was rather out of it, but I still continued to touch her and even attempted oral. She never woke up wholly, but felt what I was doing. I stopped short of insertion, but she obviously felt used. Even more than usual. This has been eating away at her since and she now sees me as more of a sexual deviant than ever before. There is no sexual attraction at all. I don't think I am exaggerating when I say she feels it was close to rape - and in some way it was. I hate myself for it and think of it every day.
That was tough to admit. But maybe saying it here, is a start for me to deal with it.
Seems odd to just move on from there, with more posting, but I guess I have little choice.
Her grandmother was released from the hospital, but it is still only a matter of days. As for her family not wanting me there, they have never been fond of me, so this is really no surprise.
As I mentioned, we had the R talk as planned yesterday. It was brief, since my wife left when she started crying. She came home a short time later and we were able to speak and even hugged each other. I made the dbing error of suggesting the hug. I said "friends hug each other" and she said "you're my husband". weird.
The bottom line of the R talk was that my wife wants to divorce in approx one year. She says this is too important a year for our s15 to do anything now. I suppose that give me some time to db and as mentioned earlier if this all does end in divorce, financially we will be much better off in 8 months or so. One important comment she made during the talk - "the damage has been done".
I did not sleep in our bed last night, since wife said it makes her uncomfortable - and now I am sure you all understand why. I slept in the basement rec room and then went up to our bed for some real sleep when my wife got up. I actually went in before she was out of bed - she got up later than normal.
Question - what about sleeping arrangements for tonight?
She is working today while I am home for Labour Day. We are planning on a nice family dinner with the kids tonight. And then - I dunno.
Question #2 - Is it right to play house for the next year or ???? And does anyone think my wife is hoping somehow things will be different a year from now?? Or is she really just willing to put her future on hold for a year for the sake of our son (and daughter)? She is a great Mom and actually would do such a thing.
We had a nice dinner on the deck with the kids and to me at least, the night felt like old times. I knew it wasn't real, but enjoyed it for what it was worth. Then came the end of the night and I asked "where am I sleeping tonight?". The tension arrived with a bang. My wifes comment was something like "we need to figure out what we're doing. I think I'll just get an apartment". So much for her staying around for a year or so as mentioned in my last post. How the hell are we supposed to deal with their daily changes? I wrap my mind around something and prepare to work with that and then it changes.
I said nothing in response and initially went to sleep in our bed. But when my wife joined me I felt like a stranger in my own bed. She fell asleep peacefully, while I tossed and turned. I wound up going back down the futon in the rec room. Another sleepless night. I asked my wife to re-stock on the prescription sleeping pills she has. She said she would try today.
I am so lost, scared, confused, tired, angry and wracked with guilt that I don't know what to do. I just can't put my smile on and make today a good day. I must work later today and I am in sales. I have no idea how I am going to do it.
Folks...it's only been less than 2 weeks since I returned here, and I just want everything to be over.
Half an hour later and now I am more confused than before. We just had a brief phone conversation as per agreement we made last night when she said "we need to talk..."
Now it appears she is once again willing to stay in the house as previously agreed. I know that that is best for the kids and makes much more financial sense. I still have the question I asked before - is it right to play house?
The one thing my wife is adamant about is that we not sleep in the same bed. RobX said I should not give in to that. But..I think at this point I need to respect this one wish. If that is the one thing she needs to be somewhat comfortable, is it not "more of the same" by disregarding her feelings and putting my needs ahead of hers?
People..please chime in. After finally admitting what I did to my wife, I would really appreciate some comments especially from female members.
One more thing - although I know it takes two to ruin a marriage, being purely objective, I know in this case it is mostly by fault. The guilt I feel for what I am doing to my kids and the woman I love is eating me alive. Any ideas on how to deal with the guilt? Is it time for professional help?
