Well, after more fighting, I made him take me down there and show me.
He had confessed finally to looking at it, because ALL men look at it, and so what if he did, and everyone lies about it, but he's not a liar. Anyway, he swore up and down there was no live chat going on, and that he wasn't looking at what I was talking about, he was just looking at "normal" stuff (as defined by a man ) so he finally gave in and said he'd show me what he did look at to prove it.
That was fun. I broke his keyboard. Not over his head at least. Anyway, he doesn't have a messaging account on there, and he did show me what his "usual" site was, which was on one browser and he swears to God on a stack of Bibles that the other thing was a popup, which after picking apart his history seems to be true. There were some other sites he swears he did not look at and someone else did it. I said...you better find out who it is and fire them then. He kind of went blank when I said that. Anyway, it doesn't matter, they were the same as the one he showed me. "normal" porn. vomit.
He said he only does it "here and there" and after more arguing he admitted that here and there was a few times a week, since he only works five days then I guess that's almost every day.
At this point he finally apologized and said he'd never ever do it again. Which, well, whatever. Then we went home but I was still so mad, and he said he'd go to marriage counseling.
I left and went to spend the night at a friend's house. He was pretty upset about that but I said I just HAD to get some space from him for a while. I fell asleep over there but woke up at 2:30 and just wanted to be in my own bed, so I came home. Neither one of us could sleep so we stayed up the rest of the night talking in bed off and on.
The REASON I was so incredibly angry is not even because he was doing it per se...but because that's how was "unwinding" after work in the evenings, and then coming home and chewing all of us out if everything wasn't just how he wanted it. We should be making everything perfect for his highness who just spent the last hour surfing porn. It still makes me so mad I want to scream.
I told him he just keeps finding new ways to break my heart, and he was like, what are you talking about? What other ways? what do I do to you?
I also said it was the last straw that I couldn't take any more garbage from him after all the stuff with the drinking. The last straw?? What am I talking about?? What MORE could I possibly SAY to him.
On the way home I'd told him anytime I brought up any of this stuff he told me I was demented or something like that. He said he did not. Then he said, okay, but he never should have.
So we stayed up all night, we're both exhausted. He said he knows he has a lot of problems and that he's fallen away from God and he knows he has to change, and that he has been trying. That he will not go back to the porn sites. I thought about a keylogger and then I just thought, no, I'm not going to spy on him or check on him, and there's ways around everything anyway.
So anyway, I just want to get through the workday. Our son's birthday is this week, I need to concentrate on that. I'm going to consult with an attorney. I haven't made up my mind about anything, but I at least want to get some information.
