Sorry I have been away from reading other people's threads for awhile. I was curious while reading your about your experience to see what I could learn about myself.
I may see things that could help but don't want to risk putting more on YOU... I know the feeling, but I want to let you know that I have been getting support from spiritual practices as well and thought we might be able to help each other. On the other hand, you really need to hear is that your H has a problem that interferes with everything and it will take time and patience and practice to learn how to live in a way that most of us expect is normal (and not something that has to be learned and worked at). It is always up to you b/c you always get to decide whether or not you will stay with him or not - and that is his fear daily. He doesn't have the same choices as you right now... he is in a dependent state of mind with much less choices and he can't do what you do nor see what you see etc.
I just want to be supportive of YOU. His problem is not a reflection of how he feels about you and in fact if he could be in your shoes and observe himself he would be horrified - but he can't. He is struggling to hold himself together which is the stress reaction that you hear in his verbal interactions. Imagine you both speak different languages and come from different cultures and you don't know the other - now try living together and communicating daily with all your current responsibilties and what do you expect would happen?
Take care, have a restful weekend. Will talk later if you want to.
Okay. I am officially "done" now on the inside. Strangely calm feeling. It will be a long while before I can be officially done as I get my career going.
Had the opportunity to take a quick peek at his computer at work. I had an inkling that he might be quite interested in porn, but nothing to really go on. I thought I'd look at his History. DIDN'T HAVE TO! He had a link OPEN. It was really a nice one too. Two seconds to look at his History to see at least 10 other sites.
So basically, he lies, watches teenage porn, drinks too much, bullies his family, and tells me I'm not a good enough Christian wife.
W-h-a-t-e-v-e-r.
Sadly, the only emotion I felt, was...good, now I can divorce him.
I haven't confronted H and I don't want to. But at the same time I can't cope being around him. He's mr. perfect dad this weekend, he's cleaning the house. I thought, that's right, you can go ahead and clean it.
He asked me if something was wrong, if I was mad at him. Where do I start? With the absolutely degrading videos you like...I won't go into the details, but it was pretty upsetting the sort of stuff he was looking at. Or should I mention instead the instant messaging account that can only be for one purpose? To meet those "hot whores who want to f**k you in your town." Lots of that.
I just saw the links on Friday night, last night I looked them up for myself. Friday we drove in the car for two hours while he went on and on and on and on and on about HOW BUSY he is, that's why he's too busy to talk to me, and he's too busy for any of that computer stuff...no time for that, he's busy busy busy. He is SO BUSY!! Later that night, something came up in a conversation about lying, and he told the kids, The Breakaways don't lie. He stood up like he was George Washington and said I.Don't.Lie.
I just watched all this in disbelief. I said, what about the lie you told S12's coach last week? He looked at me in total surprise for a second and then frowned and said, NEVER bring that up again. Because after all, we're playing Let's Pretend, and I'm not playing right.
I don't know how I'm going to get through this day. We had plans to go to a really exciting event I've been looking forward to all year. But I don't know if I can play Let's Pretend today.
To meet those "hot whores who want to f**k you in your town." Lots of that.
I'm sorry he is into this.. I can understand how it would hurt.
Quote:
I said, what about the lie you told S12's coach last week? He looked at me in total surprise for a second and then frowned and said, NEVER bring that up again. Because after all, we're playing Let's Pretend, and I'm not playing right.
His thought process: "That's right "teddy" don't be something I don't want you to be because that then gives me the right to be pissed...because you didn't meet my expectation and YOU made me mad".
you've been there done that.. bought the T-shirt. Glad to see that you can see through his script.
Quote:
We had plans to go to a really exciting event I've been looking forward to all year. But I don't know if I can play Let's Pretend today.
I hope you can enjoy the event separate of your feelings for him.
((breakaway)))
Peace Bridge
Divorced 03/2010 Mom to two amazing kids
Taking the road less traveled because those encountered on the way may be just as unique.
He claims none of it is true...he's not doing anything evil, he doesn't PAY for it. He doesn't know HOW anything like this popped up. I said, ok, let's go down to your shop and you can show me what you're NOT doing, that you don't know ANYTHING about.
So after two hours of saying he's NOT doing it, he now says I can't look at his private computer.
You know....this could be THE equalizer in you sitch. By that I mean, he might cede some power (in his world) to you because of your knowledge. And knowledge IS power.
Well, after more fighting, I made him take me down there and show me.
He had confessed finally to looking at it, because ALL men look at it, and so what if he did, and everyone lies about it, but he's not a liar. Anyway, he swore up and down there was no live chat going on, and that he wasn't looking at what I was talking about, he was just looking at "normal" stuff (as defined by a man ) so he finally gave in and said he'd show me what he did look at to prove it.
That was fun. I broke his keyboard. Not over his head at least. Anyway, he doesn't have a messaging account on there, and he did show me what his "usual" site was, which was on one browser and he swears to God on a stack of Bibles that the other thing was a popup, which after picking apart his history seems to be true. There were some other sites he swears he did not look at and someone else did it. I said...you better find out who it is and fire them then. He kind of went blank when I said that. Anyway, it doesn't matter, they were the same as the one he showed me. "normal" porn. vomit.
He said he only does it "here and there" and after more arguing he admitted that here and there was a few times a week, since he only works five days then I guess that's almost every day.
At this point he finally apologized and said he'd never ever do it again. Which, well, whatever. Then we went home but I was still so mad, and he said he'd go to marriage counseling.
I left and went to spend the night at a friend's house. He was pretty upset about that but I said I just HAD to get some space from him for a while. I fell asleep over there but woke up at 2:30 and just wanted to be in my own bed, so I came home. Neither one of us could sleep so we stayed up the rest of the night talking in bed off and on.
The REASON I was so incredibly angry is not even because he was doing it per se...but because that's how was "unwinding" after work in the evenings, and then coming home and chewing all of us out if everything wasn't just how he wanted it. We should be making everything perfect for his highness who just spent the last hour surfing porn. It still makes me so mad I want to scream.
I told him he just keeps finding new ways to break my heart, and he was like, what are you talking about? What other ways? what do I do to you?
I also said it was the last straw that I couldn't take any more garbage from him after all the stuff with the drinking. The last straw?? What am I talking about?? What MORE could I possibly SAY to him.
On the way home I'd told him anytime I brought up any of this stuff he told me I was demented or something like that. He said he did not. Then he said, okay, but he never should have.
So we stayed up all night, we're both exhausted. He said he knows he has a lot of problems and that he's fallen away from God and he knows he has to change, and that he has been trying. That he will not go back to the porn sites. I thought about a keylogger and then I just thought, no, I'm not going to spy on him or check on him, and there's ways around everything anyway.
So anyway, I just want to get through the workday. Our son's birthday is this week, I need to concentrate on that. I'm going to consult with an attorney. I haven't made up my mind about anything, but I at least want to get some information.
Porn can be an addiction. We know he's an alcoholic--which is an addiction. You're not going to be able to get a handle on one until you get a handle on the bigger picture, and address the alcoholism as an entity in itself, as the source of behavior problems. Until that happens, you're putting bandaids over gaping wounds.
M60 H52 D20 M14 yrs OW-old gf from 1986 bomb-5/18/08 H filed for D-9/10/08 D final 4/24/09 xH remarried (not OW) 2012
We have been talking and talking and talking and talking.
He's been thinking about all I said to him Mon night. Screamed at him is more like it. He said his guts won't stop hurting. I said, welcome to my world. Do you know how many times I've felt like that? I said all that tells me is that you're pretty weak. Because I've been tough enough to handle a lot worse for a lot longer.
He told me he's like all the men in his family and he doesn't know how to love. This has somehow broken thru to him that he isn't they guy he likes to think he is...that he really does go around in a pretend world where he's this great family guy and he's really not. And that for some reason over the last five years he hasn't been able to cope with being a husband and father, and that's not our fault, it's him.
We talked about the cancer, and i said nothing brings us closer together...it's like in his memory I wasn't even there. Instead of us supporting each other, it was the opposite. He said he did what his family does, he put it on his own shoulders to tough it out and do it alone and yes, he did push me away.
I said when you push people away...THEY GO AWAY. I said you can't throw your hands up in surprise now and say, where are you going???!! He said he is understanding that now.
We talked about a lot more. He said he's been trying and I seem to just be getting farther away, and that I am turning into him now (lol). I said I knew that was happening but it's so hard for me to trust him emotionally.
There was a lot more but I dont' have time to write anymore.
