Divorce not busted 3

[ScifiGirl]

Well said Stuck! What a fantastic and insightful observation.

[Orich]

I only added that because I was responding to Sara who has an idea of how the weekend works. At home, nothing but PMA. I try not to be too positive because I don't want it to look forced. I think I'm doing pretty good, as I said, she is talking more the last couple of days. As far as the rings, I'm looking for a pattern to see if something I'm doing is influencing her, so I can fine tune.
None of the negative things I have reported here have affected me in the way it probably would have if I hadn't gotten advice here. I am still holding my head high and continuing on. I only express my true feelings here.

[SpyBunny]

Hi Orich-

The ring issue seems to be causing you more distress than giving you any benefit. I agree with the others- you need to let that go and stop using it as a indicator of the status of your W feelings. For all you know, she could just be f***ing with you if she knows you're watching- put them on, take them off, and keep you off balance. Just a possibility to consider. So let it go- it doesn't matter. Get back to focusing on you like the others said.

The other thing that struck me about the ring issue, not just on this thread but also on some others, is that there's got to be a happy medium between obsessive observation and obliviousness. I haven't worn a ring since Jan. 2008, and my H hadn't realized it until I pointed it out a few months ago. He failed to notice no ring on my finger FOR OVER A YEAR! (obviously, there's more to the ring story, but that's the part that seemed applicable here)

Take care and have a nice holiday-
Hugs- Bunny

[Orich]

You are right bunny, and I am not going to burn more calories thinking about it.

[Orich]

I am trying to figure out what the opposite of what I am doing right now is. This strikes me: One of the complaints W had when we went to MC was my not helping around the house. Laundry, cleaning, etc. I started to really pay attention to the laundry, the dishwasher, garbage days, etc. By the time we stopped going to MC, she had said she noticed and appreciated my changes.
I have gotten to the point where I am happy with the changes, and I notice other things around the house and act on them automatically. I often clean the table after dinner, if I find anything in the sink I will wash it. I have noticed that often times W will say I don't have to clean the table, she will do it, or I sat down all day at work, let me clean the table. Last night her dad was eating with us after I grilled dinner. He said something to the effect of now the cook has to clean. W chimed in and said in a sort of annoyed voice, well he doesn't have to, I can do it, too. She then started gathering the dirty dishes to bring inside and wash.
Am I doing too much? Am I "upstaging" her? I honestly am not doing it to get a positive reaction to her, I just want a clean house, so I do what I can when I can.
Also, during the block party I helped her with running certain aspects of the day. She seemed pretty receptive. I saw her beginning to stress, so I jumped in. Should I not have?
Finally, yesterday I wanted to grill for Labor day. I asked her what she would like, I even offered to make fish for her (which I don't like to do on the grill) She told me she had no appetite and it didn't matter, and she didn't feel like eating anyway. So, I got a couple of steaks and grilled those.
Rather than forget about grilling and just heating something up for me and the boys because of her not wanting a real dinner, I went ahead to the store, bought the food and cooked.

[Energizer Bunny]

The opposite of what you're doing right now would be to stop trying so hard. Relax. Do the things you want to do. Be confident.

[pigskin]

I've pretty much always carried the load around the house since I'm generally more tidy than my wife is. However she did admit that at times it made her a little stressed to see me doing more than she did, since she thought it's not really fair of her. Especially when she'd be doing something like the dishes, get pulled away dealing with the kids, and then come back to see me finishing the dishes up for her.

Now I kind of leave it to her to finish what she starts. Even though it means the house stays messy for longer that way.

Not sure if your wife feels the same way, but she might.

[Orich]

Maybe. Sometimes I wonder if she is just trying to find things to be angry about to justify her wanting to leave. I will try what you said. If she starts something, I won't finish it.

[Sara]

I wish my husband would do all those things to help around the house. I don't see anything wrong with her helping to clean up after dinner at your Dad's. He said it was for you to do and she stepped in and helped you. The same as you have been stepping in and helping her. That is how things should be. Why do you want to change something that is not broken?

[BigJohn]

As you know, I finally decided enough was enough. I determined that if I stayed in "prevent defense" I was likely going to lose anyway. If I go agressive, I still may lose, but I will get movement from the current situation. Since I have determined the current situation is NOT acceptable any more, the WORST I will get out of this is what I was going to get anyway.

I came to this conclusion out of the blue after hearing and reading the advice on mine and so many other threads, but delaying doing anything out of fear. It is scary as hell, since there's no way to know the outcome, but it will get my R off of the fence, which is where I didn't want it anymore.

We're soldiers and we're already dead, so the risks aren't increased by charging the machine gun nest (you may die in the effort, but you were going to die eventually anyway just cowering in your foxhole). The difference is you may be able to take out the machine gun by charging it, rather than letting it pick you off in your hole.

That's how I've started to think. The rest is in God's hands. And I have to think He is proud of me for standing up and fighting for what He wants.

Pigskin,

I've reached a similar conclusion in my sitch. Well said!