My Intro: Thanks for Reading!

[RedSoxFan]

Sorry RSF...

I can't help but think that you are trying every approach in the book to somehow use the kids to get your wife to come back....

Being on the internet, it is very easy to formulate what YOU say happened and why versus what really happened and why you did what you did this morning..

Are you being honest with yourself? It sure looks like just another back door attempt to push, pursue and control on your part...

You leave your wife and have an affair and now you want to tell us (me) that you are suddenly Mr. Dad of the year and "what is best for the kids" etc. etc..


My instinct says that you are making this an issue so that we will tell you that "yes, stand up for your kids, yes, you can't let this happen and your wife needs to wake up"


So.. If I sense that from you and I don't even know you.. Do you not think your wife would see this as more control and more pursuing and trying anything to get her to "see the light on what a low life the OM is and what a low life's his kids are?

I guess I don't get it....

I really feel like I'm screwing this up and I don't mean to and I don't want to. I feel like I cannot see this situation clearly. I feel like I am not making good decisions. You may well be right about everything you say above.

I really feel lost here.

[RedSoxFan]

Being on the internet, it is very easy to formulate what YOU say happened and why versus what really happened and why you did what you did this morning..

Are you being honest with yourself? It sure looks like just another back door attempt to push, pursue and control on your part...

The things that I say happened, really happened. No question they are important. But I should have resisted the urge to say anything until I had a plan. I think my emotions got the better of me and I used the kid thing as a way in to start bashing W. I am very unhappy about the kids stuff and I am torn about what to let go and what to bring up.

I am amazed at my own weakness here. I feel like I'm swimming up stream and the current is increasing. I feel like anger and darkness are creeping in. I am having a hard time sitting back while W is with this other person. I think I'm losing hope rapidly, I'm conceding defeat and its turning into anger and resentment. All bad stuff.

I need to find a way to recover from this a.m. I need to somehow apologize in a smart way. But I don't as of yet even fully understand what happened and I still feel that I'm right about a lot of this stuff.

[bonnyh]

First take a deep breath, we all backslide you know we do. You’ve expressed your worries to your W no need to over labour the point. Do not drag OM’s kid in either. The issue is with your D so stick to the point. Don’t mention OMs D, leave him and his W to deal with that one.

You’re over analyzing, step back, focus on you once more.

Should she bring it up a simple sorry, should suffice.

Remember, when you were your Ds age, if someone told you not to do something what did you do? Yes went right ahead and did it in secret (maybe that’s just me).

[aliveandkicking]

I think my emotions got the better of me and I used the kid thing as a way in to start bashing W. I am very unhappy about the kids stuff and I am torn about what to let go and what to bring up.

Look, the kid part is the toughest for all of his. It is a huge challenge to separate the relationship stuff from the kid stuff especially because they overlap by virtue of the fact that you are not together anymore.

So, yes, next time, stop, breathe, come on here, talk to your therapist, make a plan, because sometimes it is worthy of action but often not and only time, a cool head and some third party advice can give you that objectivity.

The truth is that despite your prior actions, when you come out of the fog, I believe that you see much more clearly the repercussions of what is happening. It is so painful but you are going to have to really man up and just deal with the consequences. And, her actions are not your fault. Really, you can get that straight without judging her, it just takes time and discipline.

[Stronger]

I don't see the connection with what you were told about this other girl and the conversation you had with W?

And did you tell your D she can no longer socialize with this other girl? And really, did this girl say anything the average American teen doesn't talk about all day?

[RedSoxFan]

I don't see the connection with what you were told about this other girl and the conversation you had with W?

And did you tell your D she can no longer socialize with this other girl? And really, did this girl say anything the average American teen doesn't talk about all day?

First let me say I'm screwing things up royally.

The situation is somewhat complex. W and I have been at odds over the years about D's exposure to this other girl. If that weren't enough the other girl is also friends with OM's children. I made the decision to take the other girl on our YMCA outing. The girl is not an average American kid, comes from a horrible family situation, drugs in their household, parents absent, psychological issues, i found self/friend created mutilation/burns on her over the weekend, etc. In the past I've been opposed to our children being exposed and W has taken opposite position. I have questioned myself and waffled back and forth. I made the decision to allow D to bring the friend along (hold that thought because I'll try to blame W for it later).

While at camp D and her friend wanted to hang out with 2 girls (late teens/early twenties) who were oddly out of place. I said no because they were too old (6 or more years I'm guessing) they were also smoking, etc. Eventually D blew up at me saying I was too controlling, terrible parent, etc. Two couples in nearby cabins observed my struggles and stepped in to occupy other kids while I dealt with D. They later told me that they overheard D and her friend in the camp showers talking (I described the details of that conversation in the previous post). The shared a lot of what D's friend said and it wasn't pretty. Keep in mind that D's friend is accustomed to doing what she wishes. Anyway, all of that is what set up D to unload on me. Good news is that I set boundaries for D. Had heart to heart and she was fine for the rest of the weekend. Also the neighbors stepped in to help out and support us. They stayed engaged and present for the entire weekend. One of the parents has a D15 and is an assistant pastor at his church he really had a knack for supporting us and was a life saver. This was the worst D14 explosion I've ever dealt with.

So now onto how I screwed things up. I told W that I wanted to process what happened during the weekend and then discuss with her. She asked for more info on the phone and I let the flood gates open. I really set myself back during the conversation basically blaming her for stuff, telling her that I don't have confidence in her as a partner in child rearing because of the people she is surrounding herself with, etc. Once again I've hurt her and further proven that I'm not the best choice for her as a partner.

If you read my post from late last week (I don't think there were any responses) I've just lost my way. I'm feeling really hopeless, I'm just not dealing well with the OM situation, I don't like the biker type party your a$$ off thing is killing me and I just keep digging myself deeper. I'm lost and confused. Things don't feel good and I don't know what to think.

I called W back to apologize a few minutes ago. Nothing I can do about what I said because she still thinks I believed what I said. I guess I do. Two weeks ago I had love in my heart for W and even for OM. Now I don't know what I feel.

[aliveandkicking]

You mentioned your spiritual practice. What is it? What have you done with it? Get on it friend.

If you feel lost and out of control, only you can collect yourself and do something about it.

All of this other stuff will be resolved one way or the other. Get the focus back on you and taking care of yourself.

[Stronger]

RSF,
You have got to calm down.
You have already admitted what you said to W was crappy. You cannot attack her as a mother because you really want to lay into her as your wife. The two really are not transferrable. I know you know plenty of great parents who are horrible spouses, right? I know I do.
You’re daughter is at an age where she’s going to have to be exposed to nice kids, bad kids and everything in between. All you can do is guide her and let her know if you have concerns about one particular friend. You daughter will be fine and she will make the right choices. I completely agree with you though, at 14, your daughter doesn’t need to hang out with others who are 4 to 6 years older. I know the differences between 14 year old Stronger and 18 year old Stronger were huge huge differences. (Why would girls that age want to hang out with a 14 year old anyways?) I grew a lot in those four years, as I’m sure you did too. So I’m with you there.
I think you are playing your cards wrong here though with W. She told you that she is working on ending the relationship with OM. Stay out of the way and let her.

[RedSoxFan]

I think you are playing your cards wrong here though with W. She told you that she is working on ending the relationship with OM. Stay out of the way and let her.

I don't think I'm playing any cards. I think I'm screwing up. But the difference is I'm not feeling hysterical or out of control, I've just gone to a negative dark place about all of this.

She did tell me that she was planning the end with him in her head but I assume that had something to do with my putting pressure on her and asking her to pull the kids out. That's the context in which it came up. I see no sign now that she has any plans to end anything. She reiterated this a.m. that the kids will occasionally be exposed to him. I can't and shouldn't mind read. I really don't know what she's thinking.

This may seem weird but I almost feel like I'm sabotaging myself. When I called to apologize to her today I just kept feeling the urge to say lets just get a divorce and end this...but I didn't.

[MrBond]

"But the difference is I'm not feeling hysterical or out of control, I've just gone to a negative dark place about all of this."

Yes you are getting hysterical. It shows in your posts. The problem here is that you were so used to being in control cheating on your W, telling her you were done, etc. that you're not used to things being OUTSIDE your control now.

So the solution is simple. Stop trying to control things. Even with your D. Do you really think she listened to what you said or do you think she just agreed with you to shut you up? I think it was the latter.

For her you just need to establish the boundary and show her compassion, but let her make her own choice. She's going to do it any way. Even with her friend, rather than seeing her as toxic, have you tried seeing things through her eyes? If you did that and relayed that to your D, I think you could start wearing away the wall you built up between you two.

As for your W, you're doing the same thing. You tell her she can't go out with the OM or that he's a bad influence and it's pushing her into his arms. Your W and your D are exactly the same scenario and you're failing in both. There's your 2 x 4.

I'm not saying to ignore the problem, but I think you need to see things a little more from their POV in order to get compassion. With compassion, you'll get clarity on what to do. Forcing your will upon them ain't working.