Fallgirl`s Second Thread

[cat04]

FG,

I had a thought. Something that might make things a little easier for you. When I was flipping and flopping and really uncertain, my posts looked a lot like yours. Good if H was ok, not so good if H was being really wierd. It took me a ton of time (in my mind anyway) but when I finally committed to a course of action, it made it easier to not be affected by H's actions so much. As I really understood what he was going through, in a group sense vs. and individual sense (what MLC is, not what his MLC is), it was sooo much easier to detatch from it. To focus on self and S and let H flap in the wind. It isn't an easy thing to do, it is painful and scary to have no idea what the outcome will be, but when I fully accepted that I did have power in the situation, that I can walk out the door at any second if I choose to, if it gets to be too much, if I just don't want to do it anymore, it is much easier to just see what is going to happen. I do not wait for H. I wait for the Lord to do His work. In the meantime, I work on me, let Him work on me. For years, I never smiled just to smile. I was a very serious person. I had NO patience. I had little tolerance. I am not that person anymore. I smile when I have a happy thought, I smile when I wake up, I have unbelievable amounts of patience. Unbelievable. I never thought that I would have even an ounce of patience compared to what is within me now. But I am not powerless. This is not all in H's hands. It is not all up to him. Yes, I still have bad days. I still hurt. But the bad days now make me look within to see what else there might be to work on. They allow me the ability to state and set boundaries. I see H and his behaviors much more objectivly now.

Your S, your oldest, is prepubesent. He is going to be going through some very interesting things in these next couple of years, and I actually think it is more emotional and harder for boys than girls. Believe me, they get very PMSy, without having PMS. LOL. In my mind, I have put H there as well. With my S, I can talk to him (not so easy with H but...)but I have to let him make his own way. As he understands biology, he knows what is going on with his body, but the rest is harder.

Mom, do you think I'm ready to date? Well S NO, NOT UNTIL I AM DEAD, but I can't say that. Who do you want to date? How does that make you feel? What do you think about that? Now it is back in his hands. No dating yet.

Mom, I want to try beer, what is it like to be drunk? OH MY GOD. Ok S, you can have one beer. Here at home. No, I won't play drinking games with you like your friends parents do, this has been my experience with alcohol. Still curious, but not so much because he knows the dangers.

The list could go on and on. But I can't do it for him. I can be here, I can guide him, I can listen, but I can't do the work or make the choices. Only he can. Just like only H can. The choices may not be the ones that I want, but I will always love him no matter what. I may not always understand the choices, but when I don't, I have started looking to see if there are changes down the road based on the choice he made. I know where my boundaries lie, most days, and that is what I look for. Are they being disregarded? Do I feel powerless? Has this become a bad situation for me?

I hope this makes some sense.