Re: the quote .... SP, you weren't my first. Incidentally, I was directing it towards the Mrs., in terms of her seemingly not being able to let go of you not being there for her historically. Although certainly it applies to everyone.
The Assumption of Good Intent/Good Will is a concept a friend on another board discusses. All things being equal, you assume your partner tries to act according to your best interest to the extent of their ability. That doesn't mean you lie down as a doormat with a sweet martyr smile when they come home drunk for the umpteenth time and tell you you're a hideous waste of skin; that's an extreme. It means that when something strikes you badly, you assume it wasn't an intentional insult without good evidence. When they forget something important, you don't assume it means they don't care.
Even if they start freaking out a la Mrs. SP, you don't necessarily assume it has anything to do with you as opposed to some internal battle they're losing or some old pain that is torturing them. Perhaps you can even asssume they are loving you the best way they can at the moment. You don't impute personal animosity. You don't project referendums on your own worth.
It can also potentiate Michelle's "As If" ... coming to our present situation with that beginner's mind, rather than assuming our partner is going to fail us in x,y,z ways and then inevitably encountering (or perceiving) exactly that.
This is not incompatible with good boundaries and self-care; it's about how we assign motives, not how we respond to behavior.
Anyhow, I've found the concept helpful. Even if it is just a fancy rephrasing of "The Benefit Of The Doubt". In theory, I think it's healthy to deliberately maintain that humility and respect for the ultimate unknowableness of my partner's internal life. In practice, it can sure defuse a knee-jerk conflagratory emotional response or knock old ugly circles off-kilter.
ETA: That said, I absolutely agree with you; if the underlying problem ain'ta got fixed, you will find yourself right back here again. There's assuming good *motive and/or intent*, then there's seeing evidence of personal growth and change. They aren't necessarily synonymous.
Last edited by Kettricken; 09/08/0906:03 AM.
"Show me a completely smooth operation and I'll show you someone who's covering mistakes. Real boats rock." -- Frank Herbert
Incidentally, I was directing it towards the Mrs., in terms of her seemingly not being able to let go of you not being there for her historically. Although certainly it applies to everyone.
