wife left, wants divorce, possibly bipolar

[ryepatch]

hey everybody,

so my wife left suddenly three months ago--been together ten years--and has abandoned me financially, emotionally, socially. we never had too many local friends-have only lived here a couple years-and somehow she's convinced them not to talk to me. we have a beautiful, traditional relationship-except she's the hunter and i'm the gatherer. so i haven't worked formally for several years-working on getting a freelance career off the ground, odd jobs, doing all the housework, shopping, cooking, taxes, home repairs. all she does is work, her free time is hers to do as she pleases. it's made us really happy, except the last year and a half she started having these sudden depressive episodes that would last a week or two, followed by a couple months where she was sunny and positive.

the last few weeks were tough-we were packing to move crosscountry and she got depressive and couldn't take the pressure, went back and forth about the move, then finally calmed down and said let's do it. sold the kitchen table, airconditioner, bookshelves, etc., and we bought a used car together a few days before she left. broke down one night sobbing "i can't do this," clutching onto me, left two mornings later when i was sleeping, left me a note saying she couldn't do the trip and rented a room for the summer and wanted us to come back together stronger than ever and couldn't ever stop loving me.

she wouldn't get on the phone with me at all, and then four days later sent a short letter in the mail saying our relationship was over, she's exhausted, she's done.


i have no friends left in town, no job-we'd decided that she go back to school, and i supported her through it-and so i have no degree, a spotty resume, and there are no jobs. she cleaned out our bank account, left me with not enough to pay rent the day before rent was due.

she blew through all our money this summer-partying, travelling impulsively (5 vacations), shopping, lying to everybody, drinking first thing in the morning (showed up wasted to one of two therapy sessions she agreed to), doing a lot of acid and mushrooms and at least some cocaine, lashing out in paranoid rages.

i'm pretty close to tapping out my friends and family, and although everybody says i have to be patient and wait for her to come back, i'm out of options. she left me with our beloved cats, all her paintings (she's an artist), family heirlooms, photos, books, cds, everything. doesn't care about anything. our therapist says she may be bipolar; she insists she's fine, having the time of her life.

i can't get through a single minute of the day without total anxiety. i can't find a job no matter how hard i try. my only option, it seems, is to file for temporary spousal support. i don't want a divorce, though. i want her to come home.

so then she gets back from her lost summer and starts work again (first grade teacher at a little hippy charter school), and tells people now she's full of anger and wants a divorce. i ran into her and she wouldn't tell me why she wants a divorce, other than she needs her space. then i found out she filed for divorce july 22, sent me papers by certified mail, but they got lost in the mail. so seven weeks have passed and i still haven't been served, i don't know why.

she hasn't been reading my emails or listening to my voicemails since around july 1, and now she's changed her phone number. i don't have any info on her in the last two weeks. i told her when i ran into her i'd give her a fast divorce and not fight her on anything if she'd just sit down and talk about it for a few minutes, tell me why she wants a divorce, come up with a settlement. her response was i'll send you an email about it sometime. nothing yet.

how do you bust a divorce when you have no way to contact your wife and she won't read your emails? (i could call her at work still, but. . .) i would do anything. she said she still loves me (back in june), and doesn't want to fool around with other people. everyone thinks that's true, it's not about sex. i know she felt trapped, and wanted "freedom." i told her she can have all the freedom she wants at home.

when we were 21 and got engaged, her mother tried to intervene and break us up (long story), and she didn't talk to her mother for six months, didn't even let her know what state she was living in. her mother would send us desperate emails and i would read them, but she refused to.

kind of the same situation.

she's insisted she's not coming home, but i think she's still obsessed with me, otherwise she'd be more indifferent. she's being totally unrealistic about having "moved on," and i think is doing everything she can to get me out of her head.

i know she loves me. our therapist says we're one of the closest and most compatible couples he's ever seen. even after she left she said we were twins, but needed to spend time apart. i don't know what she's telling people, but people are treating me like a monster, and so is she. saw me in a parking lot and didn't even wave.

ok, i left plenty out, it's complicated as hell. . .