Much to my surprise, H is moving along with the D. Called me to say he spoke to his L friend - turns out he can't use him after all since this is not his area of expertise. He's recommending someone else to H. (He assured me last week that this L friend was both willing and able to do it. ???)
H tried to still push the one lawyer issue. I bluntly told him that I allowed myself to get screwed over badly already and that I'd be a fool to let kids and I get screwed over financially too. He didn't seem to understand how I'd gotten screwed already, then caught on.
Afterwards, I sent him a message telling him I don't want to start off on a sour note so I hope he could understand why I needed my own lawyer. He replied that it was "understandable and fair". I thanked him and told him that lunch together the day before was nice and that we'll talk more. Told him that S has been having nice dreams and that I think it was making a difference. H sent a happy face. I continued to tell him that he's doing a really good job with them. He said he hopes to do better, with another smiley.
So communication is good, but H is really moving forward with this. Trying to stay calm and deal with this step by step, but the stress is creeping its way in.
sh It is so hard t oreally understand these MLCer/wAS here he is reconnecting you and he are enjoying good communication here are his kids BUT it seems so baffling and happens to often on these boards they just cant recommit to the R so after all this time fence sitting A for them they dont want to be M or work things out I dont get it b/c so much of the time we LBS want to work it out so IM sorry he is pushing the whole D idea along But I know you will be ok--It is truley hard to go thru the battle of D..but for me it brought closure something I believe I needed before I could really move forward I think you are wise to keep the communication good and keep reminding him he is a good father this will motivate him to continue reconnecting with tthe boys hang in peace
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
hey peace, Thanks for the support, as always. I do think that the D will bring me closure on some level. Feeling very detached today - starting to look at H more objectively from an outsider's viewpoint, without all the unconditional love I usually feel for him. Even though there's been no news from him regarding the D since the other day, I'm feeling more and more ready to let him and the M go. It's been H's decision from the beginning to end our M. I will in no way try to stop him anymore. It feels terrible (yet liberating) to say that I have no interest in saving H from his mistakes. Maybe his proceeding with the D has given me permission to truly let go. I know that everything I've done has been for my kids and I wouldn't change a thing in how I raised them, but I can't help but feel a little resentful that H - after being there on a minimal basis for the past 3 years - now wants to be more involved with them. But then again, it's just like my H to take the easy way. I do all the hard work, he reaps the benefits.
That being said, I won't be surprised in the least if I once again turn to mush the next time H calls.
SH, You have the benefit of sharing in your kid's lives early on. I konw exactly what you are saying, though. I know I made the right decisions by my daughter. With one crazed parent, at least the other one has been reliable for her.
M: 16 years Bomb 4/07 OW 20s long gone Divorced 11/09 I remarried New Guy Cooperative r w/X regarding D
So the week is just about over, without H arranging a time/day to get together to discuss D, as he had said last week. He did call earlier, and I thought it'd be THE call, but it was to ask my opinion on a business deal. Not sure how I feel about him asking for my opinion more frequently these days. He hasn't bothered asking me anything all these years apart.
Since H brought it up, I'm feeling anxious to get the D processed. Now that I'm actually ready for it, it's frustrating that H is stalling. And even though I don't feel emotional over it, I think I must be subconsciously thinking about it because it's taking a toll on me physically. I'm constantly tired and can doze off for hours at a time, no matter how much sleep I've gotten the night before. It's like it's emotionally draining without me even being aware.
In the phone call, H also mentioned that he won't be able to see kids for the next 2 weekends. Apparently, his social life still comes first. So much for hoping to do better.
I'm forcing the issue. Fed up with H thinking it's ok to say our M is over and then doing nothing about it. It's cruel and I feel that he's taking advantage of me being nice.
I texted him asking if he's spoken to a lawyer and if he'd like to meet either this week or next to discuss things first. No reply and it's been several hours.
While he shows some improvement in his parenting skills, he is still far from growing up. Can't imagine him giving up his partying lifestyle for a domestic one.
SH, Are you ready for a divorce? He's still got a long ways to go....
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I've been separated since I was 32. I don't want to wake up at 40 and find that I've wasted all that time in an R that had no chance.
A D won't stop my H or myself from reconciling, if that time ever comes - but I don't see my H even close to that point.
Each time the topic comes up, H insists he wants to move forward with D and that he's never coming back. I can't keep ignoring that. I have no interest in being in a R where the other person doesn't want me. But even forgetting about what he wants, it's what I want now, although not what I had hoped.
I know H is still in crisis mode and I do feel for him. I don't think that continuing to enable him is doing him any favors.
SH, The typical statements are coming from your h's mouth, wanting to move forward, never coming back, etc. I sure would love to find the MLC Handbook that these guys are using. It must be some kind of high frequency station that they are all tuning into you. They pretty much say the same thing.
I will be surprised if he replies back to you. He's going to lay low for a while because you are now asking about the "d" and wanting to move forward yourself.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Surprise, surprise. H did reply the next day: No, he hasn't spoken to a L, but will to get the basics (???!!!) and then we can meet next week.
I gave him 4 timeslots next week that I'm available to meet. He said he'll let me know.
THEN... he calls the next day to get my address. When I asked why, he said it was so he can have my new TV delivered. (Mine has been having problems for months.) An even bigger, nicer one than the one being replaced. So instead of meeting with an L, he was out shopping for me.
I don't get it.
I know he spent a night out with the H's of my friends who I was out with on the same night (our old close group of friends). I was thinking about how the other H's would all be going home that night to their families, and how that made H feel.
Really looking forward to talking with H. Want to ask him what it is that he's thinking. Not sure I'll get an honest answer.
