WAW and 4 kids

[tryingtilDorR]

dave - thanks for your help and perspective on how my comments come accross. It is really hard to see this yourself until it gets pointed out like this so this will help me.

I will definitely keep the following in mind - I feel like I am a 'veteran' of some sorts at all this but I know I slip up a lot due to lack of discipline:

respond with friendy or neutral responses.

This isn't a matter of proving who is right - we all know who is right, and it doesn't matter anyway - it's a matter of changing our behaviors in an order to turn down the heat at this point, and improve the situation.

would you rather be right, or be married?

Interesting happenings this weekend. I stated above that I hadn't mentioned the fact that I knew about the pre-paid phone. I was waiting to bring it up at a time when it was neccessary and try to get through the weeked without R talks or any other controversy. She got nasty the first night when she told me she wanted me to sleep on the couch and I asked if I could just stay in the room with her because I knew I would sleep a lot better. We had our kids and their friends there as well and I didn't want to answer questions about why I wasn't in the room with her. She got angry and said that at home she sleeps in another room and that up there I would do it, and I just went to the couch. there was a pull-out couch in the bedroom as well that I could have usd but she didn't want me in the room at all. Then SIL went in to ask her what her problem was and that didn't help.

Anyway, the next day we were relaxing and I told her I was sorry about the argument but I was just trying to find a more comfortable place to sleep, and not trying to muscle my way into her bed, etc etc (she knows this). She then proceeded to say something to this effect:

Mrs T: It is over and you just don't want to accept it. We will need to separate, and you won't be able to afford paying me what I will get if you keep our house so we will have to sell it.

T: If you wan't to D that is your choice. I am just sorry we never really did much work to save the M since D will be harder on everyone than we can imagine and our kids' standard of living will suffer. We can both live in smaller houses - no big deal.

Mrs T: There is nothing to work on. It has been done for a while. kids are fine after D in many cases.

T: It is impossible for you to want to try to work on it when you have never really let go of OM. With him in the picture there has been NO possibility to work on this and it is too bad for all of us. Oh well. Its sad.

Mrs T: OM has never had anything to do with this (script). It (EA) has ended now.

T (in a very calm nice voice): I know you have never stopped talking to him last spring, and that you also went to the trouble to get another phone so that you could keep the affair going. If you are going to this amount of trouble to hide the R with OM then it HAS to have had an impact on your desire to work on the M. I have known about the phone but at this point I know you are making your choice and that there is nothing much I can do about it but I won't accept an OM in your life.

Mrs T then got very quiet and her wheels were spinning - she started challenging what I knew about phone and how I knew and I convinced her I knew what I was talking about. Also, in response to my statement about the fact that SHE went to the trouble to get a pre-paid phone proves the importance of the EA in her life, her response was that the phone was given to her by a friend, which means the OM (none of her close friends would help her continue the EA - she has never been fully up front with them on it). She also stated that she doesn't have it anymore, so it will be harder to have her show it to me if this is her stance. I will press on this more later when the time is right. I have a feeling she still has it but doesn't use it anymore, but just guessing.

I felt very detatched and unemotional and was just conveying what I knew to be the facts and some of my opinions on why she wouldn't work on M. After that point I just dropped the subject and acted 'as if' since the kids came back around.

the funny thing was that after that point we had a really nice time that evening and the next day. We spent more time with each other and talked in that 24 hours than we had in a long time. Joking, watching TV together, enjoying our kids, etc. It turned out to be a pretty enjoyable and memorable weekend for our family.

If you didn't know what was going on it would have looked like a normal married couple like we were a couple of years back for the most part, except for the fact that I slept on the couch again but I returned to her bed early in the morning when kids were stirring without a complaint from her really.

She sounds like she has gotten much more aggressive about leaving on the one hand (she saw a L also), but that might be a GOOD thing since she is facing more of the reality of what D would look like and maybe she is seeing the ugly side of it more, rather than just running away to be 'free'??

I have also talked to my D15 and S17 about being careful what they say to W about our M/R. they have both said things to her that have made her upset by just acknowledging that they hear stuff which seems to be the catalyst for her more aggressive stance on separating.

I told them that if they are upset about something please just talk to me initially because W is going through a tough time. I think they will comply. I told them both that we are having problems right now but that many marriages do, and that I am trying hard to keep M together and that they should bear with us, and if they hear something they don't like or understand to talk to me about it (I am trying to make sure that they don't hear anything going forward between me and W anyway).

One other thing I realized this weekend was how relaxed and at-ease I was, just enjoing hanging around with the family. It is something I took for granted before, but with all of the turmoil as well as the work I have done with my IC I have a different outlook on just about everything now, for the better. W notices and mentions it (that I am different, but doesn't acknowlege whether it is good or bad but I know it is good for me and our kids).

I'll be observing closely and trying to keep the same thing going since it seemed like things are moving in the right direction again. I feel detatched enough and need to keep the tension down, but I am prepared for a reversal in the situation at any minute.