My UFO (unbelievably fabulous observations)

[hoosiermama]

Thanks again, BeingMe. There's a lot of wisdom in what you say. I just don't seem to be able to get myself out there like I should. I'm aware I'm probably making excuses, and the bottom line is that I just don't have the emotional energy to figure it all out and do it. So much else is pulling on me too.

I know that D13 will eventually "get a life" herself, and that will be a happy day. She's isolated right now--small school, mean girls, all that stuff. Painful to watch, on top of everything else. It's funny--I've always been so independent, so able to do everything on my own, but a couple of years ago I had a freak accident and dislocated my shoulder, requiring surgery...anyway, it left me feeling really vulnerable in a way I never had before. And I'm kinda performing without a net here. So I've pulled in, don't want to take any risks. It's gotten much better, but it's still there. No longer adventurous. And this isn't exactly what I want to be modeling for my daughter, but I'm kind of doing the best I can at the moment.

I'm not really "waiting" for my friend; it probably seems that way. But my not getting out isn't really related to him at all. I think he's following the script you've laid out for me--getting out, bolstering his self-esteem and trying to heal. And we're both kind of trying to figure out this relationship because we're both carrying a lot of baggage, and while it feels very safe and comfortable neither of us is really open to moving it forward quickly at all. And I have a lot of abandonment baggage--had it before xH abandoned us, and it's twice as bad now! The distance between us probably keeps me from mucking it up too badly, and it's probably good practice. I just need to deal with my issues, my insecurity, and my depression.

I'd be very interested to hear about the flags you noticed. I have a tendency not to pick up on things! He's a behavioral scientist, has had years of therapy, and I've never known him to have all that much of an ego. Very left-brained, but believe me--xH was a narcissist, and one thing that makes my friend so attractive is that I sense none of that in him. As for flexibility, I'm not really in a position to know. I do know he's overwhelmed with life, as I am, but handling it in a different way.

I'm trying hard, I really am. I thought I'd be further along at this point, 17 months out. At this point I'm not so much grieving the loss of my marriage, but the loss of the whole rest of my life that went along with it.