Thanks Odog and Kassie. I have been trying to spiff up the house to get everything looking great for H's visit. I want to keep up my image of Im doing great without you! I have a big to do list, and its getting whittled down nicely, I had 16 items on it, some of them were big things too, so Im fairly proud of myself. I hope that having things shiny and in good shape will give one less thing for him to be distracted by. Now I just need some time to sit down and focus on studying!
I guess I gave the wrong finger to the wrong man...
Ok, this is an email that Ive been thinking about sending to H
Hi H,
Like you said in your last email to me, I have some things that I want you to know. Im giving you fair warning, if you don’t want to hear it, then don’t read on.
I really want you to know that I am sorry if I made you feel inferior, I have always thought that you were very bright, if I ever had a question, I knew that I could ask you and get an accurate answer.
I never wanted to make you feel rejected, I have never wanted to share myself with someone like I did you, mind, body, emotion, all of it.
I wish that I hadnt made you feel like you couldn’t tell me what you were thinking. I wanted nothing more than the intimacy that that honesty would have brought us. Too often I think that we don’t bring up our deepest concerns for fear of upsetting the person who is dearest to us.
Once you said that it never felt like we were permanent. I want you to know that I never questioned our permanence, but I also never, ever thought that I would have to live a life without you. I never imagined that there would be a time when you wouldn’t be here with me.
I want you to know that I do accept responsibility for my part in our downfall. I do not justify all of the decisions that you made, but I do realize that I had a part in your unhappiness, and Im sorry, I wish that you could have been honest with me about it, but I understand that you didnt feel like you could be.
I dont know if it would make a difference right now, it might do more harm than good. I dont know. But maybe if there is a chance to out it out there I will. Too bad I dont have a chance to follow the 48 hour rule...
I guess I gave the wrong finger to the wrong man...
Generally it is best to talk about yourself and your feelings in the letter and not use the word "you". I see "you" many, many times in the letter. If you re-write it in a way that doesn't use the word "you" I think you could improve it.
Thanks Sara, right, "I" statements... I dont think that Ill ever show it to him, Im not sure. He'll be here on tuesday, so I think that if I did send it to him, it would just sort of disrupt things, and there wouldnt be enough of a cool down period.
Today has been sort of a 0 day so far. Im not studying or working on my to do list, its only 1030, so I could still fix it I suppose. But Im pretty unmotivated . There isnt a lot left to do, just a few time consuming things.
I did apply for a job this morning, so I guess its not a total loss, there is another one that I want to apply for, but I have a few questions about the qualifications, so Ill ask about it on tuesday or wednesday and maybe apply then... Its working for the court system, and I would wear a uniform, I love wearing uniforms, you dont wear your own clothes out. My current job has really fostered my love of uniforms, I dont want to get bloodstains and such on my own clothes, and I look great in one!
I guess I gave the wrong finger to the wrong man...
Lol Sara, I work for the US fish and wildlife service. I work with sea otters and there are often, um, "fluids" involved. I absolutely love it, and the money is good, but its seasonal, and it ends the end of this month. It would be there for me next summer, but I just cant spend the winter not working again. Since Im a full time student, I cant even get unemployment.
I think that if this message is expressed to him at all, it will be verbally. Maybe I can use this as a script, but it was intended to be about me. Not about him and how much I apologized for things, it was intended to be more about me just accepting my part in the sitch.
I am taking the trip, I have to go get a new military ID so I can have health insurance again, not to mention a ton of end of season work stuff to do in the city. Whats a little strange is that H and I will be in the city at the same time. He is flying in at 130 and I will be there by then. Briefly I considered meeting him at the airport. I had to get this enrollment for from him a while ago to do it without him being present, and yesterday he offered to just go with me, and then I wouldnt even need the form. So I suggested that we meet up so we could travel to the base together, and he said that he hadnt decided if he was going to drive from the city, or fly down to Homer, I think thats legitimate, not rejection.
But, heres what strikes me... If we dont do it when we are both in the city together, we will have to spend an entire day together on a special trip to Anchorage, 4 hours on the rd each way, Im not even sure I want to be trapped in a car with him that long! Im going to bring my paperwork with me and just get the ID on this trip I think, its not often I can take an entire day and do something as frivilous as go to the city, so it this is good timing for several reasons.
I have 3 things left on my to do list. My dad and I got the new hot water heater put in, cleaned the bathroom (including the shower curtain!), my bedroom and the garage. I even did my homework for 2 classes!
I guess I gave the wrong finger to the wrong man...
The to do list is DONE!!! I am so pleased! Now I just have to go through and make sure that everything that Ive cleaned is still clean (I have 2 sloppy slobbery dogs who can ruin it all very quickly) and put the nice clean bedding on my bed. I would have like to have gotten the hot tub cleaned and back in service again, but I just dont have time, I probably could get it done actually, so its still an option... maybe a good idea?
So now I am starting to get nervous. Not a lot, but enough to think about it alot. I really dont know what to expect. I dont expect anything from him, hes proven to me that he really cant live up to my expectations anyway! Its weird to think that Ill see him again, and in such different circumstances than last year when we said goodbye.
I guess I gave the wrong finger to the wrong man...
. There isnt a lot left to do, just a few time consuming things. 