Up, down, turn around

[LoginName]

Thanks for all your help,TL. You brought out the 2X4 when I needed it.

You're choice, and if you feel it's the right one, in your gut, to move on, then I think you should move on.

So that's settled. Now what?

It's possible that you could meet someone who would be on the same page as you, and could work together in a way that you long for. My guess is that it's unlikely. Or rather, any one else would be different in some ways from your wife and the same in some ways. So, best case, you'd have say... 10 years? of bliss and then find out that the new person has there own issues, or their own issues in a relationship with you. Still, 10 years would be fun. 5 would be great.

My life is strange, as all of ours are. My wife is still in AR and I'm in CO. My son just left for college. If I could find a job in AR, I'd move down there. I'm working on that.

In the meantime, my W and I worked on our M via phone, mainly, and made some progress, but there was more than once where I said that I'd had enough, it wasn't worth it, time to move on. And, I think that would have been an OK decision, for both of us. I especially thought that way when I'd meet someone, hit it off with them, obvious attraction on both sides - and I'd think about all the promise of a new relationship, all the possible joy. But thanks to you especially, I vowed that I wouldn't follow that path until I was sure I was done with this M.

And, at times to my disappointment, my W would say the right thing, do the right thing, and I'd know that I wasn't done.

It wasn't just her trying to please me, and I really hope that's not what she was doing. It was her speaking her heart and me listening. And me speaking my heart and feeling that she finally heard me.

I think I did 2 things. I kept finding out that out of the list of things I thought I needed, only one or two mattered and in ways that were different than how I has assumed. And, I tried to have a positive interpretation of all she did and said. Before the bomb, she might say something affectionate and I'd feel it was like giving a rotten potato to a starving man - too little, too late, and not good enough. Now, I hear what she is saying, and feel that she is trying, and I love her for it, and accept it. I still check my gut and ask am I getting what I need, 'cause I'm not going to sacrifice or martyr myself again. And so far, my gut says, yeah, you're getting what you need, so relax and enjoy.

But that's me. I almost left, or quit. And I think I can understand why you, or anyone, would. I think it's the right decision in some situations. If you truly aren't getting what you need, time to move on. No one should be a martyr.

I really got a lot out of the book The Passionate Marriage. My therapist recommended it. What I got out of it (hope it's what the author intended)was that 1) it's not only OK to leave a marriage, knowing that you can is important to a healthy marriage 2) we are all terribly alone. Get used to it, deal with it, embrace it. 3) it takes a lot of self comforting and strength to grow, but it's worth it in the end. 4) most people don't or can't grow beyond a certain point. I could go on, but that's enough for now. Maybe you'll read it and maybe it will speak to you too. As I said, I got a lot out of it, and it's helped me in many ways, not just my relationship. I would use it in any new relationship I was in.

I'm always verbose, but only because this is important stuff.

Again, good luck, make your decision, you know what you need. I feel sorry for your W, if she's in love with you and wants your M to work but just can't seem to be the person you want. But, again, no one should be a martyr. She deserves better than that too.

I hope you share your thoughts and your decision. Best wishes.