One of the wisest things I ever read on this board was, "Forgiveness means giving up all hope of a better past". When you parse it that way, continued unforgiveness seems pretty futile.
The problem seems to be, is she willing to start from now and extend an assumption of good intent towards you in this area as you go forward?
Upon reflection, her dealbreakers are ridiculous, viewed as "what I would need to go forward". You can't get quality intimacy and being there in the middle of outside relationships and/or divorce proceedings, can you now?
Love that quote about forgiveness. Spot on.
You nailed it - "the problem seems to be" - and that is no small thing. After all this, does she want to return to business as usual with SP. And that's why her "dealbreakers" are instructive. (PS - I don't think they are really dealbreakers b/c she didn't bolt when they happenened. The cummulative effect of the "dealbreakers" turned out to be...the dealbreaker). Looking at her laundry list, it seems like she wants improved communication (safe communication), financial partnership, a way different approach in the bedroom, and to know that SP will have her back when tragedy strikes her again.
What would it take for her to "extend an assumption of good intent"? I can't speak for her but I can tell you that I wouldn't rest my decision to return to my M based on any assumptions or good intentions. I came home when I could see change in him and I had experienced change internally, as well. Those assumptions and good intentions are pretty much what many of us had when we got married 20 or so years ago...and we've learned a lot since then (with expensive tuition!).
Greek
Me45 H46 T25 M22 S21 & 19 D13 Separated and filed 8/08 Moved home 11/08
