My Intro: Thanks for Reading!

[RedSoxFan]

BTW. Tried to log in using the iPhone last night while I was out and about but couldn't seem to authenticate. Could view the forum but couldn't post. Anyone else have that issue or is it me?

[Deep]

I can't help but agree with gucci's last post, but have to add that I think it's ok to show we are human, with our little imperfections (or not so little sometimes). It's far too easy to swing into being arrogant and hurtful when the mind isn;t clear.

RSF: Just one little point that I can't recall anyone else bringing up. I'm really sorry to hear of your challenges now, and wish you the best in your efforts to win your W back.

In dealing with the hurt you caused in that 10 months, and now with W having moved on however, I can't help but be reminded that your W had had a few EAs and PAs in the past. You never did go into too much details (nor do you need to), but I think you've shown great understanding and commitment in moving past this already - it's a deal breaker for many. Nothing justifies an A. In her own way, your W has been cake eating all along, which may or may not have had an effect on you going into wayward mode yourself. While what you did was horribly devastating to her, I think you have to bear in mind that she has to bear up her own share of responsibility too.

And if you do win her back, that is not a M I think you will like going back to. And I don't just mean the lack of attention from you that you think led her to stray.

[bonnyh]

Hi RSF

I've been reading along and following with interest. I was nearly a WAW myself, had an EA but didn't leave when it was discovered. My H left a couple of years later and is in a R with my former best friend. I want him back, but I know I hurt him and he's probably moved on much the same as your W. Gucci has good advise on what attracts a woman to a man, but what attracts a man to a woman, or more importantly what attracts a H back to his W when he's left? Anyone know the answer to that?

What was it that made you realise that you wanted your W back?

[RedSoxFan]

You have to stop following YOUR feelings and use your male logic and reasoning....
If you have been paying attention to some of the other men struggling, you will notice that it is the ones who seem paralyzed and can't seem to wipe their **tts
without asking someone on here what or how they should do it. That isn't very appealing to women and they can FEEL it without a word being said. Women are attuned to these things. Trust me on that.


You are making progress. Focus.

I definitely get what you are saying Gucci and I am 100% aligned. I get it. It's logical.

I've spend a good part of this long holiday weekend in thought. At least the time I had in between zip lines, camp fires, and the host of other camp activities with the kids

Basically my thoughts over the last week have gone darker and darker. Could be that I'm away from any spiritual practice for the last few weeks and haven't seen my PC for two weeks but....

I'm feeling more anger towards W now. I think I need a few days to gather my thoughts and maybe start a new thread.

I can't help but wonder how long does a person go on watching the person they love with another person before it destroys any ability to have a relationship even if W would want to reconcile? I guess I haven't thought much about that until now. I'm also very disgusted with the type of person W is with and that has caused me to lose a lot of respect for her.

Yes, I basically caused it but does that matter now? think she looks like a crappy partner for raising our kids. I feel like she's off with her high school stoner friends who have basically changed very little since they were in high school. She would say that I'm just judging people and that the kids are fine. I see plenty of evidence to the contrary.

Today, I feel like speeding this process up or just filing and going after custody. Am I just bitter? Is this normal? Any guidance?

[RedSoxFan]

While what you did was horribly devastating to her, I think you have to bear in mind that she has to bear up her own share of responsibility too.

Well, even though most of the bad stuff was probably my responsibility, I don't feel like she owned up to her part. She did come clean with the affair, admit everything, apologize and of course she didn't leave. As a result she feels like she's in a good place. I on the other hand didn't do so well. I wasn't honest at first, etc., etc. and of course I ended up leaving. I was an alien. I feel like she has applied double standards when it comes to the two of us but she disagrees. It's hard because I mostly believe I've done a lot more wrong than she. I feel like just a little acknowledgment that she was responsible too would go a long way. Maybe she does assume responsibility where it's appropriate and I just refuse to accept that in many cases the responsibility is all mine.

[RedSoxFan]

What was it that made you realise that you wanted your W back?

Well, someone was going to start a new thread on this subject Friday but I haven't seen it materialize. I'm not sure I'm in a good place to answer it this week since I'm not feeling very attracted to W. I'll go ahead and create the thread though.

[Butterfly1]

RSF - sorry to hijack = I need your advice! A while back you posted on my thread that you and your wife drew up some financial protection agreements = what exactly did you do? Im trying to avoid a legal separation which my H claims is the "only" way to protect himself and I financially. Advice?

MY thread: "I'm new and wondering if this works..."

[bonnyh]

Yes she has to take responsibility for her part in the breakdown of the M, six of one and half a dozen of another as we say in the UK. Having said that like you I feel that I’m more than 50% responsible, my H agrees with this and believes it’s all my fault.

Difficult to say how long to hold out before you come to the conclusion that you wouldn’t reconcile, think I might be at that point now, I’m considering D. Maybe if you’ve got to the point where you wouldn’t be at all interested in ML with your W? Or if you felt that you couldn’t get past what she’d being doing without you or the fact that she’s been unfaithful. How long you wait is a very a personal choice.

[RedSoxFan]

Need some advice here....

I had a conversation with W this morning which I didn't intend to have and it may not have gone well I had some problems with oldest D over the weekend and she asked about details. I had intended to gather my thoughts before talking to W about the situation. Basically the problems involved a friend of Ds who comes from a bad family situation, some of the parents at camp let me know that they had overheard friend putting some bad thoughts in daughters head about my being too controlling, etc. She was also apparently sharing with daughter about what she does including parties, boys, and maybe alluding to drugs...the parents were uncomfortable going into to much detail about what they overheard. Long story short. This girl is also friends with OM's children. Back to conversation with W. I ended up saying some things like

I didn't feel like I had a parenting partner
I had lost confidence in her
I felt she was back in high school partying (we're in our 40s)
I didn't recognize who she had become

Our conversation was abruptly stopped when we realized she needed to get kids up for school.

Have a made a big mistake? If so what should I do to recover? Is it OK what I said? How do I let go of the issues with kids?

She didn't like anything I said obviously but I think she gets it and when I asked her to stop for a second and reverse the roles and really think about how she would feel, she fell silent for a while.

Should I call her back or wait to see what she does??

[gucci loafer]

Sorry RSF...

I can't help but think that you are trying every approach in the book to somehow use the kids to get your wife to come back....

Being on the internet, it is very easy to formulate what YOU say happened and why versus what really happened and why you did what you did this morning..

Are you being honest with yourself? It sure looks like just another back door attempt to push, pursue and control on your part...

You leave your wife and have an affair and now you want to tell us (me) that you are suddenly Mr. Dad of the year and "what is best for the kids" etc. etc..


My instinct says that you are making this an issue so that we will tell you that "yes, stand up for your kids, yes, you can't let this happen and your wife needs to wake up"


So.. If I sense that from you and I don't even know you.. Do you not think your wife would see this as more control and more pursuing and trying anything to get her to "see the light on what a low life the OM is and what a low life's his kids are?

I guess I don't get it....