No sweat on the hikack on my thread. We are all in this together.
First, I agree completely with what Sara, Greek ,d Karen said. They are some of the best on these bb's.
I agree also that you should not set any boundary you are not prepared to enforce. Otherwise, you look weak to your W. For me, an A IS such a boundary. I do not think I'm dealing with that in my sitch, but I can tell you there is NO way I would share my W with another man. No matter what. So, you have to decide if you are willing to share. Your fear of this stems in large part from how much self esteem you have. Saying you will share means you think either you can't do better than her or you don't think you deserve better. You CAN and DO.
I haven't read your thread completely in a few weeks, but I do not think you should move out of the house. This is her party, so SHE should be the one to find a new place. Don't make this easy on her by moving out.
If you are going to lay down the "no sharing" boundary (and I think you should), don't beat around the bush. Tell her you know, DO NOT tell her how you know, then tell her what the consequences will be if she does not abide. Then FOLOW THRU if she doesn't. You deserve and are entitled to her respect as long as you earn it.
Sorry for any typos - typing from PDA. Gonna work out then I'll check back with you. You can do this. One of those times to man up and take control of the sitch.
I haven't read your thread completely in a few weeks, but I do not think you should move out of the house. This is her party, so SHE should be the one to find a new place. Don't make this easy on her by moving out.
I agree with everything giving said. It's her affair, her filing for D, and her breaking up the family, but you should move out of your house???? She's trying to guilt you into doing what she wants, but believe it it is her choices that will be affecting the kids. If she gives a crap about the kids, tell her she should give up the OM and work on the marriage. See how much she cares about them then....
Divorce will affect the kids. Pretending everything is going to stay the same is just that; a pretense. Re: the kids school. Are they old enough to ride a bus? Could you hire a babysitter in the afternoons? There are many different ways you could handle that, including her getting an apt. and having the kids there. That will happen after divorce, believe it.
She's also said that the kids need to stay in the home. She takes them to school, she brings them home, while I'm working. This is the argument that she makes that I should move out.
And from what I understand, she could easily go to her lawyer and make a motion to have me evicted.
Yeah, I can tell the kids are her primary focus. Not!!! If it's easy, then why don't you go to your L and have her evicted? She's the one having an affair, off with an OM while you're taking care of the kids in your house, filing for D, etc? If it's easy for her to do, should be even easier for you!
She's also said that the kids need to stay in the home. She takes them to school, she brings them home, while I'm working. This is the argument that she makes that I should move out.
So she is calling the shots? This is a lame argument for you to leave. You can get the kids to school. You can get them home. It's not rocket science. And you should NOT leave that house. I mean - WHY should you leave? B/c your W, who is having at the very least an EA, lies to you about her whereabouts - b/c she says that's how it needs to be? Really???? Not.
Quote:
And from what I understand, she could easily go to her lawyer and make a motion to have me evicted.
And you can do the same thing, Bill.
Quote:
We've already both filed papers for joint legal and physical custody of the children, and we've agreed to mediation, so I don't think I need to worry about "abandonment". So it might be time for me to get an apartment.
Decision tree: Do you want to be divorced? Do you want to live in an apartment? If the answer is 'yes', then shop for apartments today. If the answer is 'no', then stop being scared of your W and tell her that she can shop for apartments - you are not leaving the family home.
Quote:
So, in terms of concequences. The thing she's talked about worrying most about is "losing me". So I think I should tell her that, if this doesn't stop, I will not be her friend, I will not be her family, I will not spend time with her, I will not be a part of her life.
I just have to be frank here, Bill. Losing you is NOT a consequence if she has OM. Just not. What do you mean you won't be her friend? Define that and ask yourself if that really is going to make a difference. In that case, you'll just be another xH who is an a$$. Those are a dime a dozen - ask any WAW. What you want to be is a smart man who is fighting for his family. And that fight is going to mean tough love. I'm sorry but saying we are not going to be friends is not tough love.
Quote:
What do you guys think?
Well, that's what I think. Greek
Me45 H46 T25 M22 S21 & 19 D13 Separated and filed 8/08 Moved home 11/08
And I'm thinking of proceeding just with questions.
How was your time with (friend 1)? I noticed you didn't take that food for her you were planning. Did you see (friend 2)? Are you having an affair with him? And if she denies it, I will just say "I know what's going on."
Will you please stand up to this spoiled girl????!!!! Why beat around the bush? You KNOW where she was. I suggest this:
(Looking her IN the eye) "I know you were not where you said you were going to be this weekend. I have decided that I will not share you with another man. If you will not cut off all contact with OM, then I want you out of the house in three days."
You do NOT tell her how you know. You do NOT let her turn the discussion to how you know. That is NOT the point and you make sure she doesn't get to go there. You are going to have to play hardball with this one, I'm afraid.
She's probably going to bluster, call you every wicked name she can think of. Let her. That's not the point either. The point is in order to save your M - AND YOUR DIGNITY - she has to stop lying and cake eating. You are defining a boundary about her behavior.
You need to show your teeth and growl at her (not literally).
Greek
Me45 H46 T25 M22 S21 & 19 D13 Separated and filed 8/08 Moved home 11/08
Thanks again guys. I'm getting myself psyched up now to do this. I appreciate the coaching. When I was typing all that out I didn't feel good about it. I just know this is going to get really messy now.
I just know this is going to get really messy now.
It might but from what I've seen you've done everything possible to prevent that. If the only way to keep things neat is by acquiescing to your W's having an OM, you moving out of your own house (btw was also thinking if you do this your W may/will likely have OM over at your house too, just something else to think about), and being an emotional support to her while she's having an A; then so be it.
I often see the guys on here advising men to be strong and confident, and I agree with that. I actually think the women need to do this too, but men as well. You have nothing to feel guilty about! Do the right thing now to protect yourself and your family. I 100% believe at some point things will go sour with OM, and then she'll be wanting to try to R with you. You can decide at that point if you would even want to...
Karen is right, as is Greek and Sara, and I like to think me. You have to work on you, to get you better (i.e., self confidence, self esteem, confidence). This will help in two ways. One, it will make you healthy as a person. Second, it stands a MUCH better chance of attracting your W back than the alternative.
I learned early on here (wish I had known sooner) that a woman will not (cannot?) love a man she does not respect. If she knows you won't stand up to her, she will not respect you. I am not suggesting you turn into an a$$. Rather, stand up to her on things you KNOW you should, like her having an A. There is no excuse for her A. NONE.
Oh, there is a third benefit. Once you develop your self confidence (and I think detaching comes shortly after that), if she chooses to leave the M, you will be able to handle it b/c you either won't care or will realize you deserve someone who will love you.
One of the best realizations I have read here relates to detaching. That is that either one of two things is going to happen with my M. My W will come back (and tehn I get to decide if I still want her) or she won't (and that means there is someone out there who needs me more than my wife and with whom I will have happiness I have never know). Either way, I win.
