Okay I stuffed it up, I knew I would somewhere along the line, I just wasn't expecting this.
So, he has come home now a very grumpy H I might add.
Do I say anything to him now? Not too sure of the next step.
Yes. Say something to him.
Like this....
"WS, I have been doing some thinking about our talk and here is what I have decided. I realized that I don't really know how I feel right now about us and I agree with you that it may be for the best if you move out. This isn't working between us and I really believe it to be for the best if we take some time apart. I want you to have your things out of here by_______(reasonable time frame, but asap) That is all I have to say. I have to get going. Let me know how soon you can be out."(have plans already to be leaving.
And then follow through. Don't backslide. Stick to "you don't know how you feel and this is for the best and he should move out and it isn't working this way. You just can't let him have all the control. Maybe he needs to see and feel a life without you to wake up.
Detachment takes time and shouldn't be confused with pretending everything is okay.
Detachment is a choice. Detachment can be faked (and should be if necessary) Detachment has more to do with the WS's perception than it does with your own feelings of being detached. Doesn't matter as much whether you "feel" you are detached as long as the WS perceives that you are.
He seems to have forgotten that he started this whole process and was the one who wanted out, but he keeps now turning it back at me as though I am the one who has to decide if he stays or goes. I just don't get it.
Feel that by saying what he is saying he is taking control of the situation again rather than me having control.
Bingo.
Me: 40 H: 43 H had EA from 2/06-9/06 Bomb 5/06 Piecing since 9/2006 3/2008: Boundary setting 7/2009: Boundary crossing~dropped my own bomb. 8/2010: Marriage finally on track!
As for that email, you might consider making it very clear to him that trying to put some distance in the M is and was his idea that he conveyed very clearly to you. You were, am, and will not be for it, but won't be sitting on your nicely dressed, absolutely fabulous behind waiting for him to have a change of heart.
What Deep said. Kindly, calmly, matter-of-fact.
Me: 40 H: 43 H had EA from 2/06-9/06 Bomb 5/06 Piecing since 9/2006 3/2008: Boundary setting 7/2009: Boundary crossing~dropped my own bomb. 8/2010: Marriage finally on track!
As for that email, you might consider making it very clear to him that trying to put some distance in the M is and was his idea that he conveyed very clearly to you. You were, am, and will not be for it, but won't be sitting on your nicely dressed, absolutely fabulous behind waiting for him to have a change of heart.
Nope. That doesn't work. (Numerous examples)
What works the best is letting HIM wonder if it is now YOU that isn't sure and THEN with your actions not sitting on your nicely dressed, absolutely fabulous behind waiting for him to have a change of heart.
Or perhaps the point is to make him wonder that while you're out doing fabulous things while not sitting on your nicely dressed, absolutely fabulous things, you might indeed start to wonder what you ever saw in him ...
... while not enabling his twisted WAS mind into justifying that you're checking out of the M anyway ...?
Me 42 W 39 Married: 11 Jan 1998, T: Since 1992 First Bomb: Sep 2007 Confirmed A/OM: 4 Nov 2007 Kids: D10, S5 Reconciled and together again after (alot of) time and heartbreak. 3rd kid, S, born 2 Jan 2010.
As for that email, you might consider making it very clear to him that trying to put some distance in the M is and was his idea that he conveyed very clearly to you. You were, am, and will not be for it, but won't be sitting on your nicely dressed, absolutely fabulous behind waiting for him to have a change of heart.
Nope. That doesn't work. (Numerous examples)
Actually, it worked in my case as well as the people who were here with me at the time who ended up in piecing. Jen_Jam, Rob and a bunch of others. My H was having an EA, Rob's W was having an A, Jen's H was depressed and in a MLC.
We have to take things on a case by case basis. One size doesn't always fit all. Oz needs to know her husband and know what works for her sitch. If she's *not* really unsure about what she'd like to have happen...well, that's dishonest, and lies have a way of biting you in the behind.
I'd be more tempted to say, "H, I'm sorry you are confused about your life. I know what I want, but I will be okay no matter what you choose. This is not about me, it's about you."
IMO, your H is a chickensh*t cake eater. Keep living your life, and let your H worry about losing you. Power plays often backfire.
SD
Me: 40 H: 43 H had EA from 2/06-9/06 Bomb 5/06 Piecing since 9/2006 3/2008: Boundary setting 7/2009: Boundary crossing~dropped my own bomb. 8/2010: Marriage finally on track!
Couldn't get back on the computer last night as D took it for some school work. Only one computer has the internet at present which is a pain.
Anyway H being sick mean't he came home from the gym grumpy but then ended up in the bathroom most of the night, so not much conversation about anything was going to happen.
Will see if anything happens today with regards emails etc and then see what happens tonight at least him spending the night in the bathroom mean't I have had some breathing space to gather my thoughts and get myself more composed in my head and now I have the tools to do what I need to do now.
The only thing he did manage to say last night was to ask me where I was going tonight. I merely replied casually that I was doing some modelling. There was no response after that.
It's amazing what happens on one's thread overnight whilst sleeping (not that I slept much last night).
I do agree though that he is cake eating and is enjoying the best of both worlds but I also look at him and in some ways feel sorry for him because of this strange person that he has become, I believe his personality along with his exterior appearance has changed.
As for what works for my situation I don't know really until I try different things, so far the only things I have done is to remain upbeat, look good and go out and about doing things and not worrying about whether he is coming as well or not. It has gone on in that pattern for a while now, so until I start to really shake things up I guess I won't know what is working and what isn't. I obviously shook things to a degree yesterday when the clothes weren't in the wardrobe and no bfast or lunch.
I will sit here for a bit now before I get ready for work and re-read your posts and gather my thoughts.
Thanks one and all for your insight and perspectives, at least this morning I feel a bit calmer and ready to go the next step, felt like I was drowning yesterday.
I know what you mean by it being easy for you to see things when you aren't in the other persons shoes. I think that goes for everyone, it is because we aren't personally affected by the other persons H or W so don't have the rose coloured glasses on and can see the situation for what it is without the emotions attached to it.
As I sit here at work this morning, I am trying to work out exactly what it was that I had done that seemed to shake him a bit and led to the flurry of urgent demanding emails, texting and calls.
So far today all is quiet, I assume I have played back into his hands and yes he is comfortable again that I am there for whenever he decides that he wants me again.
Pondering now the chain of events, now very much in limbo as to whether I will find he is still there tonight when I get home or not, I am prepared for either outcome.
