UPSIDE DOWN - still struggling, trying to detach

[Eskimo Nell]

Well friends, I am back from C and I feel like I've been through the mill.

Despite telling C how I feel and what I am trying to do, she 'senses' that H has put his message across more than clearly and she is concerned that I am killing myself off (my words) in the way that I am currently living and allowing H to control what's going on here. Essentially, she is right but her message is so clear that she thinks that he is not coming back. I know that she has no crystal ball and so can't say this any more certainly than I can say that he will return but I do think that she has the edge on this one :o(

I am now feeling worse than when I went out. In helping to broaden my social network of 2, she gave me the number for a group therapy for mental health folk. Now, I understand where she is going but am I ready for that? I don't know.

I guess what she has made me look at is that I could end up on my own and start to face those fears - haven't I been already? It's so damned scary for me I just don't even want to think about it never mind look at it.

It made me consider pushing H into LRT and start the ball rolling just so that I can get some perspective and stop living in limboland ... but I'm scared to do so as I think, like many of us, we know the answer.

My conclusion ... ? Well, I guess that I'm sticking with the nc for now and see what happens this week. If nothing, I shall look at it again on Monday.

I'm so upside down now - I could so use a hug or words of comfort from my loved ones who are so far away. Physical deprivation is as bad as emotional and I really wish that someone could come out for a visit - it's just not going to happen. None of my folk have been here at all in 4 years even though H's parents and friend have been 3 years on the trot. Irony is, this is the year that my family had intended a surprise visit but when the bomb was dropped, they went to Hawaii instead.

I just want this whole situation to be over and I know how the rest of my life is going to look - preferably with H in it. I am fast losing patience even though I am trying. Please don't be offended people but I also think that if all of this works, what is everyone still doing here year after year???????