Bill nothing you can do today. She will be back tomorrow. It's going to be tough bit relax tonight go out with some friends. Don't sit at home and obsess over it won't do you any good. If you confront her on moving out you have to be prepares for her to actually do it. If you give her an ultimatum and then back down it will make things worse.
"Seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well" Matthew 6:33
That's right..you can't make a relationship without HER. It takes 2 to have a marriage. My h says his affair is over, but since she works at his company, I'm not thinking so.
This is hard, the hardest thing ever, but you have to decide what you want. I did go and snoop at my husband's place and that really pissed him off. Last Friday he asked why I did that. I said it was because he told me he wanted a separation to be "alone" and I knew he wasn't "alone" and I just wanted to confirm it. He asked why I filed for a divorce...I said, DUH??
I have been way too nice these past 3 months and it's time to do a 180. I'm amazing, and I'll walk out the courtroom door in my tight skirt and heels and he'll never see me again if he doesn't get his crap together and fast. I want our marriage to work, but has to want that as well. As others have posted it takes time and patience and now you get to see what you got in those categories.
Me 55 H 49 Married 21 years No kids bomb 5/09 filed 7/09 divorced and moving forward 5/10
This is just my POV Bill but I would stay very calm when I discuss the matter with her. Don't say something you will regret putting out there. I know that you are mad as hell and hurt but choose your words carefully.
was out, ate, went to the bookstore, came home. Went for a walk, came home. Went and got a smoothie, came home. Drank it before I was home.
I really don't have a lot more to do out.
Yes, I ultimately want my M to work.
Is there merit to saying nothing?
Quote:
Page 215-216 in Divorce Remedy
"You need to gather all your strength to stop talking about the affair. In fact, it behooves you to stop asking questions about their relationship completely. The mroe you ask, the more your spouse will feel pressured. The more your spouse feels pressured, the more s/he will want to flee. Control yourself."
“You also have some investigative work to do. No, I don’t mean snooping around to find out what is really going on. Since you can’t approach your spouse with any information you discover, you are only hurting yourself by snooping. You need to figure out what is so darn appealing about this OP. Do they have a great sex life whereas yours has been paltry? Does s/he flatter your spouse a great deal, building his/her ego? Is s/he spontaneous, willing to do things at the spur of the moment, when you like to have thigns planned months in advance? Is s/he a good listener, always interested in what your spouse needs to say?
You need to find out what need your spouse is fulfilling by spending time with this person so that you can do a better job fulfilling that need yourself. You need to make some changes. Don’t tell your spouse that you are going to change or that things will be different, just start acting differently.”
My take on that is that you can't stop talking about it if you haven't started to talk about it. Confrontation was very important when I discovered my husband's affair. It would never have stopped if I had been silent. You need to let her know that you are not a fool, and she is not getting away with anything. That said, it is not good to obsess over the affair and continue to talk about it long after the confrontation.
That's what I think, too, Sara. Bill, you need to let her know that you know, what the ground rules are going forward, and what the consequences will be if she steps out of bounds. Then you live by that. That's the point at which you stop talking about the A over and over again. But you must let her know what's what.
Greek
Me45 H46 T25 M22 S21 & 19 D13 Separated and filed 8/08 Moved home 11/08
Do you think you could do that? Say nothing! I can't imagine you could do that. She would prob. keep lying about the OM, and saying how she has no intention of dating and you would just sit there and listen to that?
And I think if you say something and don't have any consequences, she will lose the remaining respect she has for you, and you will lose some of your own self respect. At least that happened in my case.
I think when WAS are having an A that DBing doesn't work. Well it works for you, but not on the WAS. It doesn't work until when/if the affair is over or on the rocks. Which I 100% believe will ultimately happen. Anyone that gets involved with a married woman has got to be messed-up in some way.
I talked to a good friend for about 3 hours tonight on the phone, she had some thoughts
Wondering about confronting her tomorrow vs. waiting until I've talked to my lawyer, opened a seperate checking account, etc. Take care of some things.
Quote:
If you confront her on moving out you have to be prepares for her to actually do it. If you give her an ultimatum and then back down it will make things worse.
I need to make sure I'm prepared for this struggle.
So here's my thinking. I don't know if this is straight thinking or not, but here it is.
W has already expressed the desire for us to be in seperate places. I don't think that holds any weight.
She's also said that the kids need to stay in the home. She takes them to school, she brings them home, while I'm working. This is the argument that she makes that I should move out.
And from what I understand, she could easily go to her lawyer and make a motion to have me evicted.
We've already both filed papers for joint legal and physical custody of the children, and we've agreed to mediation, so I don't think I need to worry about "abandonment". So it might be time for me to get an apartment.
So, in terms of concequences. The thing she's talked about worrying most about is "losing me". So I think I should tell her that, if this doesn't stop, I will not be her friend, I will not be her family, I will not spend time with her, I will not be a part of her life.
And I'm thinking of proceeding just with questions.
How was your time with (friend 1)? I noticed you didn't take that food for her you were planning. Did you see (friend 2)? Are you having an affair with him? And if she denies it, I will just say "I know what's going on."
was out, ate, went to the bookstore, came home. Went for a walk, came home. Went and got a smoothie, came home. Drank it before I was home.