A Wife that has come back? Post Affair feelings ,,

[givingitmyall]

Wow Deep. That's quite a post.

I agree that D does not need to know all the ugly details. More than anything, she probably just needs reassurance that you guys are working together now to oversome your issues.

Sounds like you are one strong person. Your W is fortunate to have you.

[Dia]

Just so you know, Deep - there are several people who read my sitch when they want some reassurance and hope that things can improve.

Me, I read yours. In you, I see hope for what my H might become again someday, which is a loving, forgiving, deeply committed husband.

[dolphin_05]

Just saying Hi, Deep.

Cas

[Deep]

Thanks GIMA, Dia, Cas for dropping by and the great words of encouragement.

Like everyone else, I/we have good days and not so good days. Trying to make the M the best possible remains the focus, and it helps tremendously of course, when the feeling is that 1) there's 2 oars in the water, 2) they're pulling in the same direction.

[dolphin_05]

Hi Deep,

How's it going there?

Cas

[Deep]

I have been reading through the sitches here, doing a lot of thinking, and today in Church, the Homily seemed to connect some dots for me reflection wise. So I’m kind of journaling some of this here, knowing I have read and perhaps seen far less than many of you on here. In books, articles, life experiences.

So these are just simple musings, no offense meant. So much pain on these forums, so much rejection, fear, disappointment, helplessness, anger. Balanced of course by equal input of hope, care, support, advice, and yes even love!

Seems to me all the negative stuff can be boiled down to one simple thing: “X doesn’t love me”; where X is the want away spouse / partner. I’m serious, or am I seriously naïve?

The statement has 2 separate parts and implications. The first (and the core) is that I as the LBS am now placed in the position of being unworthy, unloved, rejected, disrespected, without value – in general. I’m robbed of stability, direction and self-worth. The second is that X is now incapable of loving me, a love that I need, that I want, that I want back.

Sitches can take on a million complexions. There may be an OP, or not. Divorce could be threatened, or not. There could be kids, or not. There might be abuse, or not. We could be living in the same house/room, or not. We could be man or woman, straight or not. Still the same basic proposition. Still roughly the same range of negative emotions that are stirred up. The outrage, the shock, the fear … ad nauseam.

And the advice along DB principles are also pretty much standard prescription, and the best chance the LBS is gonna get. Detach, and GAL. And it struck me that these address the 2 parts I mentioned.

Detach, do not let X’s inability or unwillingness to love you affect you, wreck your life, turn you into a drooling, reactive zombie. Accept you do not control X’s feelings, choices, and directions in life.

GAL, because you need to dig deep within, see your core and your value as a person, worthy of love, respect, and everything that comes with it. And this is about you as a person, on your own merit being simply you.

Pretty straightforward, except that it isn’t of course. Even shorn of the tactical complications of each sitch, detaching and GALing conceptually and in real life are different animals, and the one we deal with is the uncaged, wild, and unpredictable one.

And we talk about the WAS fog, we LBSs. And how many of us see the LBS fog? We lament how the wayward is investing time in that which is delusion, unreal, impermanent, senseless, beneath us. And deep, deep down, how many of us are as fixated on and get our fixes from, the hope or illusion that our spouse will wake up, can love us, WILL love us again? We have morality, ethics, and the sense of right on our side, and we stridently do 180s, go “Gucci”, detach, GAL, because it is for “us”. Really? Is that why we need to post so regularly, even obsessively? Is that why, in defending our mojo, reclaiming our nads, seeing the fabulous person we really are, each and every one of us, still there is that hollow tinge of pain at times?

Each of you can answer for yourself, to yourself.

Also - no person is an island, we’re not made that way. We have gotten too used to letting X define and validate our core, our value. That’s why it is such a hurt and a shock when it gets thrown back in our faces. And as you detach, and GAL, I think affirmation and validation will come if you allow it. Not from your WAS, because you’re “doing it for you”. It’s perhaps a part of the Gucci / Robx / Steve method.

I look at some posts over the last 24 hours, including GIMA’s and I see elements of what I am posting.

And I’m musing here, I don’t have any answers, perhaps I didn’t even have questions. Perhaps the simple point is LBS should not let what robbed their WAS of the ability to love them, also rob their own self-love, or their capacity to be loved.

And this can be seen from every reply and every view of every thread you post, to paraphrase Gardener.

[dolphin_05]

Thanks Deep. Your musings are powerful. Each person travels his/her own path in his/her own way. However, the musings and reflections of others shape the journey and help us all glean so many valuable life lessons. It's a difficult journey but only one part of this precious journey of life. We have to deal with the 'stuff' and use it to become stronger, healthier and more vibrant. The board is a refuge, a haven, a sounding board for so many. Perhaps there might be dependence on it but perhaps too it is also the way forward....allowing us to self reflect and to appreciate the growth in one's self awareness, one's inner strength, one's capacity to forgive and to once again find joy in the simple everyday moments in life.
Thanks Deep

[Inaspin]

Thanks for that post Deep, it is exactly what I needed today. I feel I have lost all my power to my WAW & am in a deep Fog.

I never realized how much I relied on my W for my own happiness. It is only now that she is not there for me that I realize how little I valued myself.

When you in this pit it is hard to find joy, but posts like this help put things into perspective.

Thanks Deep

[rockedworld]

You were right Deep, I needed this perspective. Thanks for sharing...

[Lost Rabbit]

Its something we all seem to do, be too willing to give our all, our utmost deepest being away and no longer be in control of it, for the girls we are always told that nice girls give up their lives to devote them to the family and the men are told that they must be the providers and breadwinners, we are not taught to be responsible for the welfare of our lives, and then to share that with someone else but never completely giving it away!

Sorry if I ramble new job this week a bit brain dead, but thank you Deep a timely study!