W got on facebook in March or so, and started connecting with old frields. When we had our 10 year anniversery celebration on June 6, she invited some of them.
So this guy - had some long-term relationship that I guess had recently disolved. He had met up with another high-school friend that had serious emotional problems, and slept with her. I remember W telling he how she "yelled" at him on FB for this. When they all came to the party, they went out afterwards (include W) and apparently this woman caused a big scene.
W has been down to the bay area to visit these friends since. She's been focusing on this woman that was pregnant, has since given birth. Has been talking all week about how she's making meals to take to her. But she established awhile back about doing this on labor day. Dear god. It's all coming together now. This is why she filed for D so quickly to avoid I guess feeling guilty on labor day weekend.
This guy is a - what - lobbyist to get government money for bike paths. I TALKED to this guy at our 10 year anniversery party. I let him into my home.
I know he was one of the group of friends W went down there to see in July. I asked recently and she said she hadn't been in touch with him. Actually she mentioned recently that he hadn't gotten the government funding that they were counting out (go figure, in this economy).
I've been blind. I did not think in a million years she would do this.
She'll be back sometime Monday. I'm not sure what to do with myself until then.
Do you have the kids? So get busy and do something with them right now. Don't stay home. Also, Coach told me to tell you to take your cell phone apart - take the battery out and put it away...take the sim card out and put it in another place...then put the phone itself in yet another place. That way, if you get tempted to call her and spill the beans, you will HAVE TO THINK ABOUT IT WHILE YOU TAKE THE TIME TO FIND THE PARTS AND PUT THE DAMNED PHONE TOGETHER (I'm guessing he's done this before :))
My advice is to load up the car with the kids, find something fun and involved to do and go do it. And leave the phone at home - in pieces.
You are now going to live with the reality that there are MILES between the two of you - and people in between (OM, L, enabling friends, your children, your L...). You are not going to be her bff through this. You are going to play hardball with her legally, financially and you are going to protect yourself & the children emotionally. This is to educate her to the realities of the MILES she has placed between the two of you with this behavior. This is to educate her on the realities of life as your estranged spouse. This is to educate her on the realities of who you will be going forward as the name on the other side of the V on those D papers. Let her be broke. Let her be scared. Let her miss her house and stuff. Let her worry about how this will affect the kids. Do not spare her a sliver of the impact. It's the best thing for her - she'll grow up. You want an adult for a wife and an adult for the mother of your children. Insist on it.
Greek
Me45 H46 T25 M22 S21 & 19 D13 Separated and filed 8/08 Moved home 11/08
Greek, I don't have the kids, they're at inlaws. I won't call.
I took down all the wedding pictures and put them in the closet.
This is the message:
Quote:
Hey you!
I had an absolutely exhausting day yesterday. And believe it or not, I'm just getting my day on. It's close to noon here! We made some good progress yesterday - generating nearly 40 pages of documentation. I'm back here at Starbucks for a scone and coffee before I head over to my aunt and uncle's place.
You're likely off and running this weekend... so as I'll assume that you won't have access to email, I'll call you later in the day...
I miss you terribly... and can't wait to see you!
XOXO
Is there any way I'm misinterpreting this? Karen asked, am I 100% sure. Is there any way this is just a message from a good friend? I don't see it. But I won't claim to be thinking straight.
This is the message from the friend she's supposed to be visiting:
Quote:
How are things going? We're just wondering what your plans are for the weekend ...would love to see you!
Why did you take the wedding pics down? Because you're p!ssed? Or b/c an A is a deal breaker for you? My point in the questions is that you MUST KNOW WHAT YOU'RE DOING AND WWWHHHHHYYYY! I understand your emotions at this time are HIGH and runinng WIlD. But this is NOT THE TIME to go with emotion - you need to think. And you want to look like a thinking, calculating man at this time...not a mad boy. So don't put the emails up in place of the wedding pics. It looks childish.
Not only that - you would be tipping your hand about how you KNOW. When you talk with her about this, she will likely try to make the moment about YOU and HOW YOU KNOW and WERE YOU SNOOPING. But you will be in control. You will tell her that you know and that's what we're going to talk about now. And you will not back off of that position.
Now, back to is an A a deal breaker. Get in the car, go to a restaurant or watering hole that YOU like and eat while you consider your options. She's being unfaithful. Still want her? Then go sketch out that plan. OR...can't live with it? Then sketch out THAT plan. My point is you have some thinking to do. The FEELING is coming whether you like it or not. But don't let those feelings make a single decision. THINK through the matter. Think twice - act once. But YOU call the shots.
And Bill, you do have to reconsider your legal approach here - and that is NOT based on emotion. That is a sound, reasonable approach. I didn't have an A...but I've said it here before and I'll say it again - when Coach hired the nastiest, toughest broad in the legal field to come after me, I reconsidered what I wanted very quickly. He made me face realities, including the legal realities. Get tough, Bill.
Ready. Set. Go out to eat.
Greek
Me45 H46 T25 M22 S21 & 19 D13 Separated and filed 8/08 Moved home 11/08
I agree with Greek. Time to think what you're going to do. It is your choice.
I do think there are a lot of awful parts to what she's done, but I think one of them is laying the D as being b/c of you rather than the A which she is having. They always seem to do that!!! There is no justification for an A in my opinion.
On the other hand, we here are all or were long-term committed to our marriages. I do think if you want to work it out with her still, if that's your choice, she needs to drop the OM and be transparent.
I tried living with a WAS with an OP and it was hell. Pure hell. He lost respect for me, I think, and I lost respect for myself for a while anyway.
I do think it's good you know what's going on. You can stop mentally beating yourself up over this. Your W is the one who should be feeling most of the guilt at this point....
I think you really sound like you're handling this pretty well. Things will get better, you'll see. And when I found out about the A, I didn't eat for a couple months myself. I found I could drink though, so I'd drink shakes and nutrition drinks, smoothies, etc. Not as healthy as eating, but as good as I could do for a while...
