A Wife that has come back? Post Affair feelings ,,

[Deep]

Just journaling here ... A little reminder today of how things can surface to haunt you when you least expect them to.

W and I had been working at the M, things have been very good. It really seems like the 18 months or so of hurt was just a bad dream. The love from W is genuine, stronger than ever, more than I could have really expected. Sure, we still have issues to work through, and I'm sure besides the scars, there will be residual baggage for a long time to come.

This post is not about this - we completely underestimated the effects on the kids.

W had been bothered by how D and S has grown more distant for some time now. D in particular I know has seen more of our fights that I would have liked. But she was always closer to me, although not really so for the last 3 months. Both kids have grown very, very close to our stay-in domestic helper.

W took D out to a concert today for a mum-D outing with my encouragement. They had dinner, during which, D burst out with questions she had been suppressing:

D: So, are you and Dad ok now? Are you going to D in future?
W: we had some big problems, but we love each other and you and S very much. We've worked them through.
D: But what happened? And will you fight again?
W: We won't fight the same way again.
D: I need to tell you about something I found.

(During the BAD period, our fights were terrible. W was feeling remorse, but I did not see it that way. She OD'ed as I posted before. Unknown to me, W had written a note to the kids when she took the pills, just to say she loved them and was very sorry she could not be around for them. She never gave them the letter obviously. D found it one day in W's handbag when we were out).

D: Mum, what happened? How could things be like that?
W: ...
D: What caused it? Did Dad have an affair? Or did you?
W: (stunned) We were just really miserable and fighting ...
D: I would be so ashamed if either one of you ever had an affair, I couldn't live with that ...

W then told D that whatever mistakes we might have made, it would have been our own faults, and that D and S should never feel they had done anything wrong or feel remotely ashamed for it.

W was very loving but upset when she told me this after the kids went to bed. She had always told me she could never live with our kids knowing. As she put it, they should never know their mum was ever that "cheap and stupid". She told me how grateful she is for the 2nd chance after the pain she caused, and that she just couldn't tell D what she did. I'm not interested in taking that road either.

Geez, both of us, so wrapped up in our issues and pain, never thinking like we should have for the kids.

My work load and stress is off the scale right now, but I must find the time to be with D for our "Daddy day" time together, and soon.