But, H asked if I wanted to have lunch with him and the kids and I did it...cuz I felt like it. Was relaxed and pleasant. A teeny tiny bit flirty but not much. So odd to spend time like that.
Tonight while I was out with a friend H texted me that a friend/client of his was gathering with some people for drinks (b-day) and I should come if I could. Well, I really wanted to but fortunately, my friend would not entertain it. The birthday friend is someone I actually really miss and like but just too weird a vibe to bring my friend into or subject myself to so..."I can't make it. But tell X Happy Birthday."
This reminds me of SP and his reference to Godfather 3..."Just when I'm out, they pull me back in..."
H will leave for 2 weeks tomorrow...the logistical clock in my sitch is ticking. I am making plans. We will meet when he gets back and by then, I will have a preliminary agreement ready and I may inform him that I am filing...not sure.
Again, those feelings come up regarding my lack of willingness to go out with him when we were together...he wants that so bad...I think IF he is making any move toward any kind of rekindling, he wants to feel like we can have that...meeting late at night somewhere, hanging out, being new to each other, spontaneous. I wont drive him to the airport but can I be a woman who dates him? Seems so risky. Perhaps no riskier than dating anyone else. However, I do have a friend who has been dating her ex for six years so there's that.
I'm still surprised by how relaxed I feel with all of this. It used to torment me. Now, I see it in pretty practical terms...still, questions loom. I guess I'll see him as a prospect. Shockingly, I find other men far more attractive than him. Shame, it seems inevitable that the LBS becomes the WAS...self preservation I guess. But odd none the less.
I am ready for anything but this doesn't feel done.
