Over the Shock and GALing 6

[Thinker]

Hi d1adsl5a

(What should we call you?)

Sorry to hear about your sitch. Sounds like you are unfortunately in the same place as many of us.

I'm not sure that I am that much of an example. I have been here for 8 months and have been slowly applying portions of the methodology. I have backslid and been up and down the roller coaster more times than I care to think about. I am, however, glad to help others share in the benefit of my 8 months of hard experience.

I have a WAW, MLC wife, wife that doesn't want to be married, whatever you want to call it. ILYBNILWY.

Don't worry too much about labels. The important thing right now is that your W want's to leave, and you have to react to that.

Says she only married me because her father approved. Started taking antidepressants 5 years ago because her feelings changed for me. Not because of her horrible temper. Says she has been feeling this way for 10 years. Says she is "Done" Go find someone else to make you happy. You picked the wrong person. You will never change. It is me, not you...You never took care of the kids when they were babies..You stopped wanting to go out..You never listened to me.

Script. I heard most of that myself. It is vital that you sift through it to find the things you truly were doing wrong, and correct those - for yourself and for any R you have in the future. However, don't take all of what she is saying personally. Understand that to her, it is all true. She is not lying. Much of it, however, is history viewed through the lense of someone who has already decided to leave and is looking for evidence to back that decision up. She only sees the bad right now.

I have gone through every emotion, made every mistake you can make.

We all have.

Oh, she also wants to wait on divorce till it can be amicable. I said that will never happen.

Another part of the script. My W also had dreams of an amicable D where we all remained good friends.

I asked my wife to go to Retrouville last Saturday a couple hours after she said she's "done" She said yes. I said you need to have an open mind. She said, "I will"

Good, congratulations.

Today, she tells me that she thinks she is going out saturday. I said great, I will make plans with the kids. She said why don't you just stay home. I said no, I need to do fun things with the kids.

Good. Get a life and move on with it without her.

Especially during these times.

I would have left this part off.

She has essentially divorce my friends and family because they have "judged her" She has lost most of her friends through this. We had a pretty tight group of about 14 families. They all are looking down on her--she cries on my shoulder because she feels she is wearing a scarlet letter...

Don't rescue her. Don't let her cry on your shoulder to ease the pain caused by the D she is driving. In fact, clearly state and enforce that this is her decision. "You are doing this. This is Your Decision. You can stop at any time" Many WAS's want to share the responsibility for the D with their spouse, or even transfer it to their spouse. You have to make them own the responsibility for their actions.

Anyway, today she tells me she always feels anxiety and tense when I am around at night(when kids are in bed).

Mine too. It is because she wants to leave and sees you as the barrier between her and happiness. This won't change until she stops seeing you as that barrier.

She has such a wall built up around her, nothing can penetrate it.

I know the feeling. I used those words almost exactly.

I did ask why are you going to retrouville, she said that she wants to see if there is anything left--I will take what I will get at this time...I go on Oct. 23rd.

Good. Go.

I am really happy that we are going as well, and I have been waiting for it for a long time. We scheduled it a LONG time ago, and it is now scheduled for 13 days from now.

I made a decision a while ago, however, that I was not going to base my DB strategy and actions around Retrovaille. Some people seem to hold their breath waiting for Retro, and in doing back off in the other areas where then need to be standing firm. I think this can hurt their overall chances of improving their R - particularly if their spouse decides to back out of the weekend.

Right now I sleep on couch. I just can't sleep in same bed with her. Stay awake all night if I am sleeping with her..

I know this pain exactly. Every time she moves all of your senses wake up and focus on her. I refused to give in and move out of the master bedroom, even though I had to take sleeping pills or Zanax for a time in order to be able to get a decent nights sleep there. I think it is too important for 3 reasons: 1) I wanted to hang on to any bit of closeness we had, 2) I did not want to face a decision in the future as to whether I should or could move back into the master bedroom - if things get better I just want to be there, and 3) It is vital to hold onto the truth that the WAS is the one leaving the marriage. If they want to leave, then they should be the one moving out or sleeping on the couch.

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I am not sure how else I can help you. I will repeat that any time I found I was the one hanging on to the R and my W was the one trying to leave it, we were in limboland and our R was on a steady downward slide. The only times things started to improve was when my W felt I was more willing to let her go (or throw her out) than she was ready to go. At these times, she all of the sudden no longer saw me as the barrier between her and happiness, but suddenly as something she perhaps did not want to lose and she started taking steps to improve things.