There will be no waiting period, no court appearance, nothing. A simple trip to the attorney's office was all it took. A little different from getting married and the pomp and circumstance that surrounded that. It will be filed next week and then finalized.
I got the bomb on July 10, 2007. H moved out on August 15, 2007. I found out about OW on our 15th wedding anniversary in September, 2007 (he confessed on this day, forgetting what day it was and, when reminded, went on to tell me that she was his true connection). She dumped him two months later and he has since gotten together with a (former) best friend of mine (his (former) best friend's girlfriend). Since this relationship has started, he has started the anger phase which seems to be so prevalent in the MLCer. After two years of being able to co-parent, attend functions together, and be nice and civil, we are now reduced to texts and emails. I simply will no longer allow him to scream obscenities, bully me, etc.
Unfortunately, his relationship with his teenage children is hanging on by a thread. And, while this is difficult for me, I have finally realized that I need to butt out on both sides (defending dad to the girls, and working with H on how to handle the girls). I can no longer try and fix his relationship with the girls. It isn't my relationship to fix.
I am no longer sad about not being with him, because he just isn't who I married. I am sad that my children hurt and I can't protect them from this hurt. I do miss being married, having someone to talk to at night, having someone to be with. But I recognize that this is part of the process.
I found this board at the beginning of August, 2007. Anyone who remembers me will tell you that I was a mess. The title of this thread is similar to the first time I posted. I was so robotic after getting the bomb that I couldn't figure out how to take a proper shower.... The beginning of this is just so hard and I wouldn't wish it on anyone. I had so many wonderful people here tell me that it would get better...I never thought it would. I, like so many others, hoped and prayed that I would be one of the ones to make it through this, marriage intact.
I am no longer a mess. And while my marriage isn't intact, I am. And all of you were right. It does get better, if you allow it to get better by concentrating on you and not dwelling on what it going on, what should be, what could be, etc. Recognizing what you have control over and what you don't is a huge step. Happiness can be found again. It took me a long time to realize and accept that DBing was not about saving my marriage - but to "save" me. It took me a long time to really and truly detach and live my own life and not worry, care or wonder about what H was doing. But I finally have. That is why I consider myself a success story.
While I no longer post much, largely because I found myself dwelling when I did, I do still come to the boards occassionally and keep up with some posters. You guys have been great to me and I will always appreciate it.
w8ing...good to hear from you...glad you are in that better place.
And you're right, the beginning of this is the hardest thing someone can go through. Glad you made it to the other side....take care.
Kissak
"What time I am afraid, I will trust in thee." Psalms 56:3 M-37 H-37 S-10, D-15 M- 1993 First bomb- 12/23/06 Came and went too MANY times! Gone again 10-25-10
Wow I am glad to hear that it does get better and we can find happiness. I am still in shock from all this and want to wake up from this horrible nightmare I feel I am in. I haven't received divorce papers yet but I am terriflied of falling apart when and if I do. I will keep coming back here.
Love and happiness to you w8ing - hugs
ME 45 Husband 47 Married 29 yrs D 28 D 23 S 26 IDLYA -MLC- 7-25-09 Wants Divorce 8-18-09 Moved to another state W/OW
M, I'm glad you returned to post an update. Dbing isn't about winning your marriage back, but about helping you find yourself and getting stronger day by day. You've done that and I have to say "wow". You've come a long way and I know that your future will be a promising one.
Please take care of yourself and know that you are a survivor and you can do anything that you set your mind to.
Good luck!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
w8ing Nice to read your post I am sorry for the D You sound strong and well grounded I relate to the current situation with your STBX my situation is similar I protect my kids where I can but the pain unfortunately is theres to work thru and Hopefully become stronger, better more compassionate people MY XH also has somewhat still of a connection with the kids he visits about 4 hours a week cant wait to leave he now picks them up outside we rarely talk that is ok he M his 28 year old OW (she has 11 D living in another state) he is also very ANGRY at me after 2 years of getting along so well they get angry b/c we stop the fiasco I stopped his spending I got a great L I took care of myself so I know it is sad but maybe oneday they will reconize their part and do their part to become better fathers maybe not the world is open for us though blessings are everywhere all is well peace
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
Kissak - Thanks for your note - I do check in on you when I come to the boards.....what a rollercoaster you are on... Stay strong and continue to be there for your kids. I do think of your daughter and her struggles. I wish these spouses who leave could somewhat understand what they do to kids. But that is a brick wall that I will no longer pound my head against...
Thank you, beginnersmind, for posting. We seem to have similar timelines. I hope that you are doing okay and being strong. We've come through the worst of it...right!?!?!?!
Livingalone....I wish I could reassure you that this isn't a nightmare. But, unfortunately, it is reality. I remember the pain at the beginning... Please, please, please...try to focus on yourself and take care of yourself. It is so hard, but you will get through it. My H is now focused on hurting me in any way possible, i.e. trying to obtain increased custody of the kids, telling his family to not speak to me because it would be disloyal to him, lying to friends in order to have them "switch sides", etc. I am finding out that I can absorb the "punches" a lot better now. It doesn't take me months to recuperate from one of his blows anymore, just a couple of hours. And I know that this will improve with time. I have also found that if I don't mirror his behavior, attitude and approach, I am also much better off. He continually picks fights now that he is in his anger stage. I jumped into it once with him and I won't do that again. I am in a better place when I don't act like he does. I just feel better about myself. Again - please take care of yourself. Use the boards here - these people are amazing!
Snodderly - always, always, always good to hear from you. You were there for me at the beginning and always had great advice! Thank you, thank you, thank you!
Oh, Peace. I continue to follow your threads. Where does the anger come from? I do understand it isn't me, even though it is challenging at times when so much spew is directed at me. Do you ever just look at them in the middle of a spew and think "who are you?". Never, never, never did H every swear at me when we were married. Now - doesn't think twice about it. The girls say that he swears in front of them all of the time - apparently OW does as well. I'm not a prude, but there is no need for the F bomb in front of kids. I just think they are imploding, can't handle it and take it out on the one they feel is responsible for all of the bad. Because, as you know, they aren't responsible for anything. H's spending continues, but it no longer impacts me. I know he had huge debts, but it doesn't affect me. You are right - there are blessings everywhere. We all just need to open our eyes to see them. Please take care of yourself and know that I do check up on you. By the way - did you read my other post about something that Bworl wrote. It really hit home with me - you may like it!
Jack - what kind words...thanks so much. They were nice to read today. My attorney told me something similar - that he thinks that I have become more confident, handled all of this with grace and dignity and, when ready, will someday find someone who will give me the happiness that I deserve. He was being kind so I didn't feel the need to point out to him that I am responsible for my own happiness and have already found it. I will just assume that he meant find someone to enhance my happiness...
Drew - It does (get better)...although I still have moments, I recognize that they are just that...moments...that will get better with time.
Today is my in-laws 50th wedding anniversary. There is a big party which my daughters were not happy about attending because OW is there. There was a vow renewal this morning and D13 was livid that OW was in the family pictures. I just got a call from D15 who was venting about her presence at the party. I told her to go and hang out with her cousins and focus on her grandparents who are excited that she is there.
Both girls are so angry. They spend so much time dwelling on her, speaking negatively about her, etc. I walk a fine line - I want them to be able to vent, but I also don't want them to have this much focus on something that they perceive to be so negative. I'm thinking that they need to read DB...
Today I am a little sad. Of course, I would love to be a part of this celebration, but certainly understand that I can't. But it also hits home that I will never have my own 50th wedding anniversary. I guess this is just one of my little moments that I know will pass.
And, Jack. I have never been banned either. Does that make us boring?!?!?!
