A Little Epiphany - (and a newbie delurking)

[Dia]

Maybe it's different for every WAW, but for me, it looked like this.

Note that I'm only talking about me. In large part, that's because he wasn't talking. During our settlement talks, he talked about wanting to work on our communication, to work on our relationship, not as married partners but as... whatever we were to each other at the time. I was willing, but whenever I'd try to talk about it, he wouldn't. Go figure.

Anyhow, this email is dated 10/02/08, about 14 months post-sep. I'm clearly out of the fog and had been for some time, really.
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10/02/08

Subj: On rejection...

This may be difficult to read, so please read it at a time when it's not going to interfere with work or otherwise spoil whatever you have going on . I'd also like to clarify the tone of the message. Please try not to interpret anything I'm going to say as an attack, or a laundry list of complaints. I am not writing this to berate or insult you, or to express bitterness, anger, etc. I'm writing this in an attempt to communicate openly and honestly about some thoughts and reflections I've had about our marriage. I'm hoping you will be able to read this with an open mind and an open heart. I'm hoping you will truly *listen*, and in listening, that you will try to see things through my eyes - not because I think I'm right (and I'll be admitting places where I've been quite wrong) - but because it may bring understanding and empathy.

I think our number one problem was feelings of rejection - on both sides. I felt utterly rejected, unloved and devalued, and I know you did, too. I know you were telling me that you loved me, but from your actions, it was hard to read anything but avoidance, disinterest and dislike. It seemed you'd rather be anywhere or doing anything than spending time with me. I felt like your computer, alcohol, your friends, your games, your various activities all came first, and I got the leftovers, if anything. I felt abandoned and worthless.

When I think back on our date nights, I think that we made a good effort, we tried. But as I ponder it, I think maybe in a marriage, in a family, instead of one or two nights a week set aside for spouse and/or family, maybe it should be the other way around. Maybe MOST nights should be for spouse and family, and one or two nights get set aside for friends or outside activities.

One of the ways I tried to cope was by using my own computer as a shield. If I could convince myself (and you, too) that I was happily gaming or surfing, then I didn't feel the rejection so keenly when it seemed that you'd rather be on your computer than be with me. Sometimes it was even kind of petty, and I mean ME being petty. On the one hand, it was very logical and practical for me to schedule online gaming sessions on the same nights you did. But I remember one time in particular when your game got cancelled on short notice and you came to me to spend time together. To do so, I'd have had to cancel what I was doing, too. It felt unfair. I felt like I was second best, like the friend you only call when everybody else is busy. I felt like there was an assumption on your part that nothing I was doing carried the same importance or value as what you were doing. So I told you no, and I was kinda snarky about it. I'm sorry.

In reality, I'd have loved for you to lavish attention on me, and me lavish attention on you. I'd have loved to cuddle and read to each other, to touch, laugh, talk and make love. But not as an afterthought, not as second best.

I know you felt rejected over my computer use as well, and for that I apologize. In the months we've been apart, I've re-evaluated my thoughts on cybersex. It was harmful to our relationship. It allowed me, even encouraged me, to seek affection and emotional attention from someone other than you. Though I never meant it to be a threat to our relationship, it was. It was like a crack that allowed rot to seep in. What I got from them, I wanted from you - and I should have been seeking from you and only you. This was entirely my error and my fault. I apologize deeply and profusely for hurting you and for hurting our marriage.

I still game, but there is no cyber and there hasn't been since I left the Shelby house. In fact, there pretty much wasn't for several months before I left either. I think I was beginning to see that it was hurting us, and that it wasn't what I really wanted anyway. Maybe if I'm completely single, I might try it again sometime but I doubt it. And in a relationship, I will never do it again. I've decided that at least for me, it's dangerous and wrong - not because I form too strong an attachment to the other person, but because it allows my relationship with my partner to languish and starve.

Looking back on our mutual computer use, I think we often used the computer as a shield, as a way of avoiding rejection. "If I'm busy with this, then I don't have to risk him/her wanting to do something else besides spend time with me." Unfortunately, this only created that which we feared and sough to avoid - which was rejection.

Unless you tell me you don't want to hear them, you may get more emails like this - expressing thoughts and feelings about us. Is this ok?

Dia
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*note re: cybersex - I never hid this. He knew and said he didn't care. It was part of online gaming where one role-plays characters, and sometimes relationships. I say this by way of explanation, not by way of defense. My (re)assessment of it above stands.

And note re: date nights - we virtually always watched movies at home on date nights. Sounds great and sometimes it was, but H gets really annoyed if people talk during date nights, so much of the time we watched the movie in complete silence. Not great for someone whose LL is QT (me). And by the time the movie was done, it was 11 pm and we were too tired to talk or ML. And trying to ML before the movie, well, I needed him to actually TALK TO ME first, and at the time, he was resenting that.