New home, new beginnings

[MsMelancoly]

Hey Julia, Your description does make him sound pretty juvenile. Could it be the people he's hanging out with? I think men can get pulled into that mode much more easily than women.

[Eskimo Nell]

Oh ladeez ... I hear you so clearly and can add to your observations.

My H has at times lately, gone all out in his acts and words ... not how we have ever been and he knows that I dislike such behaviour - such as the gestures when someone cuts him up on the freeway or someone is tailgating him. The actions are so primeval and I see no need for it!

When we see these things, it is much easier for us to detach.

[dolphin_05]

I actaully think that there are times when my H does those tantys to annoy me so that I will detach and pull back from him. It creates space for him that allows him to then have to rebuild our relationship from the beginning again

[mishka422]

Seeing him as he has now chosen to be is a horribly painful experience but also enlightening. He choses to be immature, to follow the crowd like a danged sheep....his loss. He will come back around someday and realize what he has done and what a huge a$$ he has been.

I hope your Sunday is beautiful and you get to do something fun for yourself.

[JCJ]

Ms M, yeah it is definitely for the people he is hanging out with. As Mishka said, sheep, and I have no respect for that. If you have to put on an act for people then why are you hanging out with them. I thought people got over that at school!

Cas, I guess he doesn't act that way in front of me, it is just bravado for friends. But I tell you, it flippin' annoys me.

My Mum has just rung me and offered to cook a roast dinner for me tonight when I go round and collect my curtains. Roast beef, potatoes, veg and my favourite - Yorkshire pudding. Happy days

I am swapping my bedroom and my living room round today with the help of my neighbours who I have only met twice. They are so nice, such a relief from the nightmares that lived next door to me in my old house. I used to be scared to go out of my front door there in case I saw them.

[mishka422]

Roast sounds awesome. Comfort food!

Have fun rearranging the furniture. I can't move a darned thing in my house just because it only fits in there in one way. Moving the furniture always makes a place feel brand new. Of course, this one is brand new for you! Why are you moving it around so soon? Did you just not like the way it ended up?

[JCJ]

The roast was so good!

The house looks so much better this way. I had to leapfrog over the bed to get anywhere in that room before and it was a little bit damp so not great to sleep in. Now I wake in a bright airy bedroom which I can walk around in and snuggle in my downstairs den in the evenings in front of the TV. It's lovely. It's such a small house - my Mum calls it my dolls house but it is just perfect for me. After being traumatised by all the moving of furniture Maple and I fell asleep exhausted last night. She much prefers the house this way too .

H has clearly come back from the USA now and is acting very obnoxious on FB. It so helps with my detachment to see it. I have no urge to see him or hear from him whatsoever.

[AliSuddenly]

Hey Julia,
Its great you have your own space, your own house all to yourself in London! Thats impressive and I'm a little jealous! It sounds lovely and great that you feel at home there now.

As for your H, I read along and I wonder.. do you still love him? Is he still 'the one'? I still struggle with my bf's R with ow eventhough he reassures me it was nothing. I wonder how you would fare if you did win him back.. he's been with her 2 years now hasnt he? And they live together and have been on a few holidays together. Do you reckon you could forgive and forget and go forwards together again and be ok about it?

Well, to be honest he always had these tendancies. When we were at uni he was like that with his mates, and I was too with my friends. We both agreed we didn't like those traits so didn't act like that in front of each other, because that is just what it was, an act in front of friends. I don't know if it is part of the crisis. Going back to teenagehood etc, I have no idea.

You seem to not be impressed with the person he is evolving into, perhaps he is just naturally growing in a different direction, or maybe you are outgrowing him? You say he was always a bit this way, but that you didn’t like it and anyway, it was just a front with friends. I guess we all do that.. have a public face and one reserved for our partner and Facebook is just a jokey friends forum afterall and to be honest, it just sounds like a bit of laddy fun and not that big a deal. I don’t 'know' as he is just someone you describe here, but from the descriptions, he doesn’t sound like a man in crisis. You say that he is, but do you really feel he is and why? He just seems to be moving on with his life Julia, doing normal things for his age, which I know is very very hard for you to accept and desperately disappointing. Or is it.. maybe you have outgrown him and deserve more now??

Hugs to you, Al xxx

[JCJ]

Hey Ali

Good to see you

Thanks re the house. I am pretty proud of it too. It's funny as I have felt like I have failed for a long time now but I realised that it was because I was measuring my perceived failure by my relationship, most of which I had no control over. Then I looked at what I have achieved so far in my 28 years and I am actually very proud.

do you still love him? Is he still 'the one'?

These are very good questions and I am very divided on this one. Yes, and yes he was, but I am wondering if he has changed so much as a person that the qualities that made him 'the one' are still there. I have seen other qualities which I really don't like and while I understand people have different sides to them etc etc if we were still together then of course I would work on that however, he has been gone for 21 months now.

Do you reckon you could forgive and forget and go forwards together again and be ok about it?

Again, good question. I guess I don't post much here about this side of my life but I date and see other people too. Maybe I view 'standing' as different? I still want and believe in my marriage (wavering slightly now I admit) but I don't believe in putting my life on hold. If Prince Charming comes along, who am I (or who is h for that matter) to stand in his way. Maybe it is time I start letting him know that instead of playing his/ our avoidance game as we do seem to do. So at the moment the answer is still yes, however his betrayal runs deep I admit.

You are right about FB being a friend thing and maybe he is just acting up on there for bravado. I was thinking the same thing this morning on the bus on the way to work. However, this side of him is there and I don't like it. If this is the only thing I see of him how can I not be put off him. I suppose I see what happens if we meet up again.

You and I disagree on the crisis thing. The signs that he is omitting scream crisis. I don't post here about how much he is spending etc etc. It all fits very well with a person in crisis. Those who knew him to have independently said that his behaviour is very odd at best.

Or is it.. maybe you have outgrown him and deserve more now??

Very true, could well be. His loss eh.

(((Ali)))

[Eskimo Nell]

Hi JCJ
Just been reading your latest and I feel some sadness but considerable strength coming from you. You have been detaching more and more and I think that your latest feelings re H are going to be the deal breaker in how you move forward.

I was envious of your home cooked roast ... I'm a veggie but still love all the trimming, especially the YP's!! Your life sounds so warm and homely to me - everything that I am currently missing out on in my life.

So happy that Maple has decided on a comfortable way around for the house to be! Good karma will come when all your ducks are in a row!

Hang on in there Julia. .. you are doing so very well.