HELP!!! I need my DB brothers and sisters!

[25yearsmlc]

I need some advice on a couple of different topics. I know I can be frustrating to some since it seems like I won't listen when people have suggested that I be more aggressive in getting what I want from my W. I can relate that it would be difficult to understand why I would still be willing to stand for my M but I do think I am supposed to. I believe that MLC can be an illness and my Ws choices and actions seem to reflect that she is dealing with challenges that I can barely comprehend.

My issues:



1. W has become disrespectful and ignores my opinion when it comes to the children
2. My W has gone straight to the children with different issues she should discuss with me first
3. She now has two of my children a majority of the time; I have the youngest
4. Feeling of loss is overwhelming at times


My W (I am trying not to call her my ex since I am still "fighting" for my marriage although I don't call her my W to her or others) is still in a R with a woman from Canada. She has been in town for the past month and is about to return home on Saturday (my birthday is on Sunday). This woman is well liked by my children (she is very nice to them and cooks wonderful meals for all of them) but I am uncertain if my kids are fully aware or have received confirmation from their mother about their R. My kids have been raised by my W and myself as loving all people but not accepting things that are against God in ourselves or others. Please don't misunderstand, we are not harsh to others at all and we don't beat up on ourselves when we mess up. We simply try not to do things that are offensive to God.

So my concern is the effect on my children since they have voiced many times over the past couple of years distaste when it appears pushed at us in TV and movies and other areas. (BTW, I do have friends that are in same sex R. They are my friends for the people they are, not what they choose to do. I don't abandon my friends because they do something I don't agree with unless it harms my family) I have not seen behavior changes in my children that I would expect if their mother would have definitively let them know that she in a L relationship.

The reason for all of this information is that when her friend is gone, my W is much more agreeable and easier to talk to. While we don't spend much time together when her friend is gone, it is non-existent and more strained when we have to interact (on my Ws end, not mine). My therapist, who was the person that was counseling the both of us before we separated, had opportunities to speak to us individually. He shared that my W is more of the passive side of a L relationship and always will be. He said that it took the woman from her old job to get her to leave and my Ws private therapist that she had been going to before we went to see him, encouraged her to "spread her wings". My words, not his. He said she is heavily influenced by those around her and she will seek out people who will tell her to be more tough instead of cooperative.

This is why I wanted to wait to discuss the original parenting plan of 50/50 living arrangements after her friend returns to Canada. I am fairly certain that my W is more harsh with me because of her friend encouraging her.

The therapist (who is a Christian Counselor) said that letting the children choose where they live is putting more on them than they can handle. They are trying to please the parent who left because they will tend to try to hang on to that person (sound familiar?). Further, I am the "safe" parent who they know will always be there.

I am also fairly certain that my W (even though she is a counselor herself) is saying things to the kids that are not healthy. She has directly asked the kids to live with her (as related to me by my youngest and I am holding his sharing with me in confidence).

An example of this is recent. Yesterday, we took my youngest to the doctor because he is having issues concentrating. He has tried medicines in past years but we didn't like the side effects: aggression, tics, lack of sleep, etc. It has become bad again with his concentration for school so I scheduled and appointment. My W was concerned because of other possible side effects such as stunted growth so she came along.

While we were at the doctor, she almost ignored me when it came to discussing the issues with the doctor. At one point, she mentioned a program that is not an IEP (he doesn't have a learning disability) called a "504". I am not sure of the details of a 504 but it requires the teachers to put him in the front of class (better to focus) and ensure that he has written down his homework and signing off on it as well. When she started to discuss it with our son's doctor, I asked what a 504 was and she waved her hand at me and made a facial gesture that said "I will tell you later". She finally told me when I asked repeatedly.

The doctor told us of a newer medicine that has fewer side effects and we agreed that we would give it a try.

Outside, my W asked our S(12) what homework he still had (I knew of a spelling test he had to prepare for) and he admitted that he had a science worksheet to do. Both my W and I were frustrated because he has lied a couple of times about not having homework. She said to our S, why don't you start coming to my place after school and I will take you to your dad's on my way to work (about 7:30pm). My heart sank because I would then only see our son 7:30 - bedtime. Again, she did not discuss this with me first.

My W asked me if he would have time to prepare for his test, do his homework and go to scouts that evening. I said I don't know. We decided that he had to focus on his schoolwork.

He left with her to go have dinner with his mom, sister, brother and the Canadian friend. I drove to the pharmacy but it was very busy and I had to get ready to take S14 to scouts so I decided to get the medicine on Friday. I was hurting inside, with the disrespect I had felt from my W and being alone was more than I could bear. When I got back home, I texted S14 to see if he was ready for scouts and he responded that "mom is going to take me". I sent back "I was going to go with you". In a brief moment, I felt that S12 should go to scouts still and then prepare for his test and his homework. He always challenges me with not wanting to go to the scout meeting but is glad that he went afterwards.

I called W at her place but she didn't answer. I texted her asking her to call me. When she did, I explained that I think that S12 should go and then do his homework and study for his test afterwards. She expressed concern asking if we would be setting him up for failure if he got a bad grade. I explained that he should learn his lesson to prepare in advance (he had all week) and still remain true to his obligations. She asked if he had missed too many scouting events and I said that he hadn't but I don't want him to start a trend plus he needs the association with the other kids. Our S12 has been very lazy when it comes to anything to do with work. He would be happy to sit and read a book, play a video game or get on the computer. Scouts is an area where he gets out, socializes with others, learns how to be a leader and other skills that he really needs.

She ended up going with what I said after questioning me several times if I thought this would be good for our S. I admit I felt better than I had in a long time because I had asserted myself in a positive way. I was never inconsiderate, I was not thinking of anyone except my son and I felt that whether she agreed or not, she did allow this to happen.

After the meeting, he was able to complete his science homework and study for his spelling test before 10pm. I sent a text to my W that his pretest before studying was a 75% and afterwards a 95%.

I don't know how well he will do today on his test but I still feel that I handled it the right way.

Before we went to bed, and this made me very concerned and sad, my S12 said that D17 and S14 were talking while my W was on the phone with me earlier and (I am paraphrasing) they said something like "I hope dad won't yell at us because we aren't living with him. I didn't know what to say because if anything, I was more soft spoken to them, letting them know how much I miss them and trying to get together with them as much as possible and being light and fun. I don't know why they would even think I would yell at them.

Another thing happened while S12 was studying. I called D17 to say goodnight and she was a little stressed since she was still working on a speech assignment. She apologized for being short with me and I told her not to worry about it. She then asked me why I had S12 go to scouts when he had homework. While I was surprised she would ask that and felt that it was inappropriate for her to question me on how I handle S12, I explained to her that he needed to stretch himself a bit and handle his responsibilities. If I let him out of going to scouts, he would probably continue to bail on his duties and not learn from it. By still going to scouts and preparing for school, he will remember the next day how tired he was and hopefully not repeat this.

I am sorry this is so long and trust me, there is a lot more that happened with my W but this is the issues I am facing. I plan on speaking with her next week and I may try to get her to open up communications with me, expressing my desire for us to be great parents and the only way we can do that is if we are on the same page.

PLEASE let me know what you think!!!

mmf

This explains a lot to me. You are, obviously not handling your w well. Can you see this now? You are protecting your children from the truth and maybe they know and maybe they don't. I just think it's time for you to find MMF and stop focusing on what you have lost. It radiates way too much. You are operating on some underlying assumption that b/c you did nothing "Wrong" you will be rewarded with your w's return....really? My bil died of a brain tumor. He didn't want to die. He had two kids with my sister so are you saying that b/c he didn't believe well and hard enough, God ignored his wishes? Of course not and in that case there was NO Free will. In your ex wife's case there IS free will and she has chosen a very diff life style and you are still hanging onto to the past. Learn from Elizabeth Edwards (I did not vote for her h, btw) but in her book she describes losing their oldest child in a car accident, her cancer diagnosis, it's recurrence and then her h's A....and she says her BIGGEST REGRET is the time SHE wasted wanting her old life back when in reality it would never be the same. A major event has changed your life forever, so your old life is gone.

It's gone. If your oldest child died, would you tell your other kids life isn't worth living and you'll never laugh or love again and kill yourself? Would you constantly stare at her picture and "believe hard enough" that she'd come back from the dead for you?
Do you see what you are modelling for your kids about loss --which life gives ALL of us at some point? We'll all be betrayed or face a setback! You are teaching them that without your w, you CANNOT be happy? Do you see what a terrible lesson that is for them? That someone else is responsible and all powerful over THEIR lives?? OMG...

How about instead, you focus on what your remaining life offers. Which is a lot! You have 3 great kids and you own a home and I assume you are gainfully employed and relatively healthy. So God put you in the top 2% of the world's population in gifts already...no one is shooting at you or denying you the right to vote or worship, you have food today and there will be food tomorrow, in your electric refrigerator, the house you have won't collapse in the next monsoon, you have access to medical care, no one raped your d or took your sons into their warlord gangs....do you see my point? Don't minimize this. In some ways we are very spoiled in the western world.

You have spent 3 years wanting your old life back. BUT It's gone. That does NOT mean there are no other reasons for having a good life. There are, and you know it. Make the changes you need to make to accept the changes that have already occurred. Your EX wife (come on!) may be damaged goods, and maybe she'll see that someday, but there sure isn't any hurry for that to happen, [i]since you are obviously living in the past making it clear you'd wait forever. STill calling her your wife says it all....stuck in the past life wanting it back and terrified of adapting to the new reality....what will you do when your kids leave for real? Adopt? And that waiting around is not love. At least not for yourself. IMHO. [/i]

Simply put, the reason she treats you increasingly badly, is b/c you tolerate it, under the guise of... whatever you want to call it. Re-assess that, big time, b/c I think it's just plain old fear and weakness, and you are better than that. Start showing her that.
j-

PS
Don't let fear be your guide, (even while calling it something else). If your ex wife wants back into a R with you, SOMEDAY WAY DOWN THE ROAD--she'll let you know. Seriously, she'll be able to find you I bet. You really believe that by moving on in YOUR life, you'll send HER the wrong message? I don't. And besides....how's your approach working so far?