HELP!!! I need my DB brothers and sisters!

[25yearsmlc]

Also, I have left a lot of things that need to be done to the house by the wayside. I need to catch up there. While I have concerns about what my life will be like, i.e. filled with when the kids are out of the house, I am not worried. I know I will miss them then but that is a normal change in life.

At this time, my focus is how to have a R with my kids if they are living full time at their moms.

sorry for the caps but it makes it easier to read- and first off, SORRY For what you're being handed...OUCH!! MMF---You asked me to post on your thread so....here it comes....
-DON'T LET THEM LIVE FULL TIME THERE. SIMPLE. NOT EASY, BUT NOT COMPLICATED. AND GET THE HOUSE IN GOOD SHAPE AND BE UPBEAT SO THAT THE KIDS DON'T FEEL RESPONSIBLE FOR YOUR HAPPINESS. CAN YOU SEE A C FOR DEPRESSION?? IT SOUNDS APPLICABLE.

I also don't want the kids feeling guilty and coming back home for that reason. At the same time, I want them to know how badly I want time with them.
They are so worth it.
SO MAKE IT CLEAR THAT YOU ARE NOT SURRENDERING AGAIN...NO GIVING IN ON THIS. YOU'RE THEIR PRIMARY CUSTODIAL PARENT FOR A REASON. DON'T STAND IN THE WAY OF SEEING THE MOM BUT THIS IS NOT THE SAME. ALSO ARE THEY IN THE SAME SCHOOL DISTRICT??
Stuck
I understand what you mean about not giving the kids to her in the first place. And I appreciate you being straight with me. I like to work on myself, evaluate what I have done and make improvements.

I do think it is important that the kids live with me at least 50% of the time and I will be speaking with them more over the next day or two.

START BY SAYING THAT YOU WANT TO MAINTAIN THE FAMILY HOME AND SPLITTING IT UP ISNT' RIGHT. THEY CAN SPEND THE NIGHT WITH THEIR MOM ON WEEKENDS OR SOME OTHER PRE-ARRANGED DEAL BUT WHAT'S WITH SPLITTING UP? IT'S ONLY A MATTER OF TIME BEFORE THE YOUNGEST ASKS TO MOVE OUT ALSO AND THAT WAS PROBABLY HER PLAN. IF NOT, THE YOUNGEST MUST MISS THE SIBLINGS WHICH MEANS HE'S STAYING OUT OF GUILT. SO TAKE THE CHOICE FROM THE KIDS AND MAKE IT BETWEEN YOU AND YOUR WIFE SO THE KIDS ARE NOT IN THE MIDDLE. THEY'LL MAKE THEIR NEEDS KNOWN, ONCE YOU TAKE THE HEAVY LOAD OF DECISION MAKING AWAY...

I will not disagree that I am emotionally tied to my children. I have not detached from my XW as much as I had thought.
I haven't given up on her.
WELL, I WON'T COMMENT ON NOT GIVING UP ON HER...moving on does not mean giving up anyhow.... I HAVE 2 RELATIVES WHO DIV AND REMARRIED THEIR EXES BUT THEY DID MOVE ON AND YOU HAVE NOT AND THAT IS PROBABLY WHY YOU ARE STUCK WHERE YOU ARE.

IT'S NOT ATTRACTIVE. THE NEEDINESS THAT SCREAMS FROM YOUR POSTS MAY EVEN BE TURNING YOUR KIDS OFF SUBCONSCIOUSLY AT LEAST....SORRY, I KNOW THAT'S HARD TO HEAR. BUT YOU DO HAVE TO "MAN UP" AND BE A HAPPY GUY, SO PEOPLE CAN HANDLE BEING AROUND YOU AND SO YOUR FAMILY MISSES YOU B/C YOU ARE ONE FUN, CREATIVE, INTERESTING AND INTERESTED MAN.
While I agree that I have been allowing her to cake eat, I have tried to balance out showing her unconditional love while protecting my children.
THIS CONFUSES ME A LOT. SHE IS CAKE EATING FOR SURE...AND YOU ARE "BALANCING" THAT WITH UNCONDITIONAL LOVE??? NO YOU"RE NOT, YOU ARE CEMENTING THE CAKE EATING AND REINFORCING IT....TOTALLY.

UNCONDITIONAL LOVE TO YOU, SEEMS THAT SHE CAN SMASH YOUR FACE AND YOU'D TAKE IT, AND CALL IT "LOVE". I CALL IT WEAK....SORRY.
I would love to have her respect but i think that it will be a long time coming.

YOU WANT HER RESPECT? ASSUMING YOUR TEMPER WAS NOT A PRIOR ISSUE, THEN GET HER RESPECT BY STANDING UP FOR YOURSELF AND YOUR KIDS. RESPECT DOES NOT "COME IN TIME"...IT IS EARNED AND EXPECTED, OVER TIME. RESPECT IS A CRUCIAL PART OF REAL LOVE.

Thanks for your comments.

mmf

Geez, Good luck MMF. I think you have been stuck for far too long. It's ALL about GAL and being a good dad now. NOTHING ELSE MATTERS and guess what? IF there is a chance of your w seeing you differently AND then wanting a reconciliation, it'll be b/c you finally are different. And btw, piecing and restoring a M are NOT easy. You think all she has to do is move back in? You are not correct....by a long shot.

It would take decisions she has [b]not made, and is not leaning towards as far as we can tell...and then it would take WORK and forgiveness over time on both sides, which you THINK[/b] you have done....and maybe you have. But truly forgiving her would have allowed you to move on. You're still hanging on b/c you are still wanting things to even out, to be restored in the sense that justice is achieved or that you'll get yours.....from HER...whereas if you had moved on and maybe met someone else and then your wife saw you in a new way, or you found real happiness with a healthy widow for example, what might your kids see and think then? While still married, I do not advise people to date. But you are divorced so the question becomes when will you move on IF EVER? Hypothetically what would it take for you to think you might want to be with another woman or move on in your life so that your wife's actions are of no concern to you anymore than an old friends?

You are not detached and you will know you are more detached or closer to it when you are more indifferent to her reaction to you. I think you're terrified of rocking the boat. AND IT SHOWS. So she rocks it when she wants, and isn't she getting ALL that she wanted? You out of the picture, and her kids back, now that's she gotten her fill of the "MLC Vacation..." and she faced no consequences??
I don't know your history but that's my take on this. Maybe you have an old thread or this is your story pretty much.

What reason did she give when she left AND why did d17 say SHE wanted to move in with her mom? Are there OM or OW in the picture?

Finally, let me say that notwithstanding all the "straight shooting" I just did, I do feel for you. The ONE thing that helped me when h left with his prolonged MLC was knowing my kids were with me and knew I loved them and they loved me. They saw their dad's selfishness before I did, and their forgiveness has been harder for him to earn, though I support it heartily. For everyone's sake and the M. But my gut tells me your dependence on them is a turn off. My kids like seeing me with my adult friends doing my own thing and not holding onto them while they spread their wings. Let your kids see the best in you, not the neediest.

I'm sorry for the pain this causes you. It does suck. You don't deserve it. But you must stand up for yourself and simply stop caring how your wife feels about this. [b] Care only how YOU and the kids feel. your wife obviously puts herself first so no one has to worry that her needs will be overlooked. Trust me on that.
((( j )))
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