Thanks Coach, Phoenixdeux and BigJohn for the advice guys. Well here's what's happened since I posted.
I gave in to my own desire and was intimate with my wife, but I felt like she was not really there. I felt sick thinking the same thing Phoenixdeux was saying. I thought this would somehow lead us back towards being together. I realize now that this is was a huge mistake. It actually sickens me to think that she was actually using me in this way.
b/w I confronted my wife about the EA the day I found (7/24/09)out and she refused to end the realtionship then. She has refused the whole time but I've been trying to be supportive and understanding and tried to be patient. When at one point she said she wanted to work on the M I asked her to end the E/A - she wouldn't. I told her the very least she should tell the OM that she was working on us. Wouldn't even do that. Also the OW is in a realtionship with someone else -the other person has no clue. He's unemployed and living of of current woman. He's apparently had a hsitory of bad relationships - but can't point that out.
I reached the point where I told her that she should move out. Her parents on the other hand think that because I'm the man that I should be the one to leave. That this is best for the kids. My position is that she has not been the mother she used to be since this happended and is not really 'there' for them way she used to be. She goes out with her girlfriends doesn't come home til late, is preoccupied with him, etc. I don't think they really know all that's going on - but they have influence.
Oh and get this. When I told her I wanted her to move out. she told me that "Well, you won't get any more 'booty calls'" I told her that I didn't care that I was not going to share her with someone else. That was Thursday. Ever since then she has been more hostile and bringing up things that were wrong with our M all along. I've been keeping up with the GAL. 180's and excercise - its awesome.
Now I'm at the point where I'm not sure if I care about saving the M. I think if she doesn't want to try why should I try so hard. It still feels like some really horrible dream that I can't wake up from.
