As you know, I finally decided enough was enough. I determined that if I stayed in "prevent defense" I was likely going to lose anyway. If I go agressive, I still may lose, but I will get movement from the current situation. Since I have determined the current situation is NOT acceptable any more, the WORST I will get out of this is what I was going to get anyway.
I came to this conclusion out of the blue after hearing and reading the advice on mine and so many other threads, but delaying doing anything out of fear. It is scary as hell, since there's no way to know the outcome, but it will get my R off of the fence, which is where I didn't want it anymore.
We're soldiers and we're already dead, so the risks aren't increased by charging the machine gun nest (you may die in the effort, but you were going to die eventually anyway just cowering in your foxhole). The difference is you may be able to take out the machine gun by charging it, rather than letting it pick you off in your hole.
That's how I've started to think. The rest is in God's hands. And I have to think He is proud of me for standing up and fighting for what He wants.
Bravo! Pigskin...that's a killer post!
"Always go straight forward, and if you meet the devil, cut him in two and go between the pieces." - William Sturgis, clipper ship captain, 1830's.
We don't communicate well. Even now we don't. I plan on opening up completely on the Retro weekend.
Well, I hope you have some smart people who know what to do to teach you "how" to open up b/c if you can't communicate with her well......how do you plan to suddenly "open up" at the retreat? I know you have good intentions, but if you get there and things don't go like you hoped or she isn't acting very favorable, then you may freeze up and not be able to say a word. Then what? I'm sure the program & counselors will be a big help, but there is just so much they can do....then it will be up to the two of you to open your mouths and start the dang talking!! You don't have a problem talking here and if I were your W and saw you pouring your heart out to strangers and knew you weren't talking to me....I would be ticked to no end. Maybe you need to "think" about what you plan to say when you are there, Orich. Sara can tell you if that is a good idea or not, but I'm concerned that if you just think it will all come tumbling out then... when it doesn't now.....you will be in for a let down. I'm not suggesting that you talk to her before the retreat.....don't do that. I'm saying that you need to be thinking of what you will say when you "open up".
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Sandi, I appreciate your concern, but he should not worry about what he will say over the weekend. His heart will tell him what to say. And I have no doubt that she will open her heart up too. I can't describe how or why the weekend works, but it does. And worrying about and planning for it will be harmful, not helpful. The questions will be questions that you can't anticipate. So there is no use trying. The point of the questions is that the answers are unplanned. And it isn't done in conversation, it is in written form. So if you want to prepare for the weekend, go buy two pens that are easy to write with, gel pens, for instance. Your hand will get tired from all the writing you'll do.
I am ready to talk either way. I have been afraid to talk, bur now that I look at it this way, that she already divorced me in her mind, i have nothing to be afraid of. Admittedly, I want to wait for the weekend to talk because of the fact that we will be in an an environment codusive to talking. We will be guided and given tools so we Communicate eficiantly. I have wanted to talk about us, but she has not wanted to. This weekend is all about talking, so it should be easier for her. I don't know what the outcome is going to be, but I am ready to give everything I have. I hope she is able to open up enough to really start talking. I have to believe that deep down inside her she still has some feelings for me and doesn't want to break up the family, and then we can start to repair our R. If not, then at least I know where I stand and I can take the next appropriate action.
Me-40 W-41 Together-10 M-8 S-6 S-4 Bomb 5/08 Bomb 10/08 Thought things were better, was wrong. Still living together Wife doesn't think she will ever love me again.
I have to believe that deep down inside her she still has some feelings for me and doesn't want to break up the family, and then we can start to repair our R.
Why do you have to believe she still has some feelings for you?
Where did all of this talk you've been spouting about being a dead soldier go?
Go back and reread Pigskin's post about deciding enough is enough.
This is why you are stuck where you are. You say you are going to work on detaching, but you keep going back to "what is she thinking," "What is she feeling," "What is she doing.". Until you stop focusing on HER, you will remain in this he!!
What I meant was I have to believe or else I will lose hope. Anyway, I have been turning my focus away from her and more on the kids, or doing my own thing. Today she Is talking to me and has her rings on. Sorry, I'm not supposed to focus on her.
Me-40 W-41 Together-10 M-8 S-6 S-4 Bomb 5/08 Bomb 10/08 Thought things were better, was wrong. Still living together Wife doesn't think she will ever love me again.
Isn't there a difference between noticing and focusing on? It takes less than a second to notice she has her rings on. Does that mean it is the focus of your life?
Isn't there a difference between noticing and focusing on? It takes less than a second to notice she has her rings on. Does that mean it is the focus of your life?
Precisely, Sara.
Noticing = She has her ring on.
Focusing = She has her ring on...I wonder if that means...or it could mean....and now I'm worried...
