Very similar talks Cat. We talk a lot about kids, newspaper stuff, safe stuff. I am getting a couple "we haven'y done x activity as a family for six months " in supprised voice. It was actually more like 12 months. Just a couple, again in last week or so.
I notice the stuff H is really holding out on doing for me is the stuff I used to bring up before I knew something big was wrong eg I used to ask often "why dont you make coffee anymore?".
Well, there`s damn all talk at ALL around here, SR. So I`d gladly settle for your non R conversations!
H won`t engage. But I`m not letting him away with the `we don`t talk anymore` excuse for splitting up. Plus I don`t want the kids to see us totally silent. And silence is a lethal weapon anyhow.
So I kill silence on occasion with an open question or even just a comment to H. Something really innocuous and non controlling or pursuing like "Is Mandy still working at your office"
Yeah, pathetic, I know. And I LOVE a good chat. (Just like I like to do long posts!)But that`s the only option I can see for now.
SR and Cat, looks like you`re both seeing a lot of positive progress. Like you, I don`t control anything at all with H. God, its taken me sooo long to learn that one. Like that your stepping back on the drink thing too Cat. He just may need that to help him through this patch, like you say.
The paranoia about our friends thing really is a common thread for us-i noticed Mach saying it too.Wonder is it because at some level our live ins know they`re treating us badly and are afraid we`ll blow their cover? Or is it a jealousy thing because they can`t do friendships as easily?
Glad you`re getting out and about on the friendship front too Cat. Its a lonely enough road without being totally isolated from the rest of humanity!
Ok no clue on the friends thing. Just figured my H was nuts as I hadn't heard too much about that from others.
The talking and silence, we had silence, unless of course H had something nasty to spew at me, for more months than I care to share.
Here's a funny. S went to store with me to get stuff and when he saw the stuff his dad wanted, requested, he asked what was wrong with him now, finally deciding to do stuff around the house. I just laughed. I don't care as long as stuff is going to get done.
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
Isn`t that another sign that the wind is shifting Cat? H has been doing a couple of jobs about here too lately. I came home tonight to discover he`d fixed a light that had been waiting months to be repaired.
This is the guy who was looking up rental acc two weeks ago...
Interesting that your S notices this stuff and good that he talks about it too.
The time/memory thing is amazing. I have heard "we said we were going to do that" (yes, over a year ago, where have you been?); "I really haven't been very present for the last six months" (only six months?) and a whole other bunch of wacky stuff. My H doesn't even remember many of the things he has said to me, S's schedule, or other things on most days. I guess his head is just too full. You know if I reminded him that he actually told me it was his time to be selfish, he probably wouldn't remember at all. I just have to remember myself that his feelings get so hurt if I dare to tell him how I feel, like you have become someone that I don't even think I like (well that isn't very nice), please don't talk to me (why?) and many more.
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
Have to say Cat, for six months at least my head`s been pretty full of our madness too so that I wasn`t as present as I could have been as a Mum/teacher/daughter/friend. Just whirring away obsessively about H, the M etc.
I started to stop spinning last April with the DB techniques.
And pretty much came to a full stop last Sunday with that healing meditation.
I`ll be interested to see if this slows H down on his spin.
So much of my spinning mirrored his. I had extreme Anger, depression, suicidal thoughts. I insulted every bit of him.Betrayed him by talking about him to my sibs and friends.Begged him to leave.
And I wasn`t as present as I should have been to my kids, my work colleagues, my friends and family.
Looney time!
Stopping the spin has been interesting. It made H angrier at first but this week everything finally seems calm. I have no knot in my stomach when I`m coming home, I don`t dread the sound of his footstep on the stairs.
He`s still in spin mode but not at full cycle. I`ll be interested to see how much more he can slow.
Gee, I`d be really glad to get "I really havent been very present for the past six months" as your H told you. Can`t imagine my guy ever acknowledging his absence.
His interests have dwindled down to two things-football and his homecounty. Doesn`t read, listen to music, watch TV(unless of course its to do with footbal and his home county).Oh and he has a penchant for foods from his childhood days-certain types of bread and biscuits for example. Real regressive stuff.
On the friends thing, H has always made friends easily and has not brought that up with me. But I used to travel away for work for weeks at a time staying at motels so H and I have always had a high level of trust for each other anyway.
Fallgirl, with the fixing stuff, I can never work out if it is a sense of duty / wanting to ease guilt or indication of mind not made up, like any positive sign!
With two toddlers in the house, we don't get much silence during the day, until the evenings and they are asleep.
Don't think the silence gets better when they are teens. Just occasional time with them out of the house and then there is silence.
I don't worry about the why's of the fixing stuff. I just am glad that he is doing SOMETHING.
You know, the trust is something I have been wondering about. Not so much specific with H, but in general. Does that ever come back? Or are we going to be forever wary of people and the things they tell us now? Maybe that is one for the old timers.
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
H`s silence isn`t just because he has little to say;he really does use it as a wepaon because he finds it difficult to articulate his feelings. I`ve seen him doing this when his Mum badgers him-he just shuts down,no facial expression, no words, stillness.
to break that I put the radio on-not too loud, just low volume to break the power of his silence and to have someting else to concetrate on myself besides what his silence is trying to say.
Its a bummer this, living with a guy who`s been trained all his life to wear a mask and cannot express who he is because he doesn`t even know.
One of the reaons I am so conscious of engaging in dialogue with our three kids.
Trust. Hmmmm.Can`t imagine be ever going there again.
But then one of the things I`ve learnt with this lot is Never say Never!
I see the trust as individual to each sitch. It will depend on where the relationship ends up on the other side, what happened etc. One of those wait and see things for me I think.
Fallgirl,
ok, that silence! Depending on how I am feeling, radio etc to fill the gap. But if I am feeling strong I do finding Acting As If it is not there can shorten it / tone it down at this stage too. Didn't work earlier, but seems to help a bit now if I do it right. Not buying into it, you know? Kind of "dude, I am equal, have some space, but respect, ok" in my head. So I change what is in my head to defuse.
