Well, last time (a few months ago), I had sex with him and drove him to the airport figuring I'd send him off with something to think about. When I saw the photos of him on fb with models and living it up, I felt like quite the sucker.
Call me jaded.
If something significant has changed, he'll have to make that a lot clearer.
Do not take him to the airport. Men who leave their wife and family do not merit this.
No-brainer.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
But, H asked if I wanted to have lunch with him and the kids and I did it...cuz I felt like it. Was relaxed and pleasant. A teeny tiny bit flirty but not much. So odd to spend time like that.
Tonight while I was out with a friend H texted me that a friend/client of his was gathering with some people for drinks (b-day) and I should come if I could. Well, I really wanted to but fortunately, my friend would not entertain it. The birthday friend is someone I actually really miss and like but just too weird a vibe to bring my friend into or subject myself to so..."I can't make it. But tell X Happy Birthday."
This reminds me of SP and his reference to Godfather 3..."Just when I'm out, they pull me back in..."
H will leave for 2 weeks tomorrow...the logistical clock in my sitch is ticking. I am making plans. We will meet when he gets back and by then, I will have a preliminary agreement ready and I may inform him that I am filing...not sure.
Again, those feelings come up regarding my lack of willingness to go out with him when we were together...he wants that so bad...I think IF he is making any move toward any kind of rekindling, he wants to feel like we can have that...meeting late at night somewhere, hanging out, being new to each other, spontaneous. I wont drive him to the airport but can I be a woman who dates him? Seems so risky. Perhaps no riskier than dating anyone else. However, I do have a friend who has been dating her ex for six years so there's that.
I'm still surprised by how relaxed I feel with all of this. It used to torment me. Now, I see it in pretty practical terms...still, questions loom. I guess I'll see him as a prospect. Shockingly, I find other men far more attractive than him. Shame, it seems inevitable that the LBS becomes the WAS...self preservation I guess. But odd none the less.
I am ready for anything but this doesn't feel done.
I was going to answer "no" when I read this, but truth is, yes.
Ok, so it isn't whilst lying in bed getting my feet rubbed and fed grapes but, here and there I'm getting positive feedback.
I actually recognized how vulnerable and insecure I still feel when I read that...
BTW- you're pretty great yourself. I feel that you have really found a way to be more revealing and relate more and thus more able to be received...obviously, you are a smart cookie and have good intentions.
I was going to answer "no" when I read this, but truth is, yes.
Ok, so it isn't whilst lying in bed getting my feet rubbed and fed grapes but, here and there I'm getting positive feedback.
I actually recognized how vulnerable and insecure I still feel when I read that...
BTW- you're pretty great yourself. I feel that you have really found a way to be more revealing and relate more and thus more able to be received...obviously, you are a smart cookie and have good intentions.
Maybe you should figure out how to mention this to him "...Ok, so it isn't whilst lying in bed getting my feet rubbed and fed grapes but, here and there I'm getting positive feedback. "
He might entertain doing this at some point ;-)
At any rate, allow your positive mental attitude to be part of the tool you use to gauge your internal compass on where you're going in your life. You sound like you're doing good and that is a good thing!
I went to pick up the kids from H. He told me he had found another ride to the airport...fine.
He gave me a pre-birthday present (a beautiful sun dress) and a bracelet he had picked out a couple of weeks ago...
This feels so odd because he makes such a production out of doing it with the kids and they just think he loves me and is so nice to me...
I don't really understand if these are gifts of affection or just consolation gifts.
When I was trying to get out the door (which he was sort of slowing down), his friend called up. It is a female friend (definitely nothing romantic) but she is someone I always really liked and I'd call her for recipes when planning parties for H, that kind of thing.
I was like a deer in headlights. I really did not want to see her. She is the one person who for months I have wondered what the hell does she make of this? She always told him in the past when he was being a jerk...what the heck has he told her? I couldn't very well run out and miss her and I was totally unable to shake off the emotion that was stirring. I did my best. I was very friendly but so uncomfortable. And the kids were saying goodbye to their dad and there was too much emotional stuff at once. I just felt sooo self-conscious and totally unwilling to be jovial and glib.
So, after I left I felt so heavy and I even cried and my kids wanted to understand and I found a way to explain honestly but not too much information.
I texted H that I have nothing but affection for X but that it was hard to see her on the spot and it was a little awkward and sad. But all good. [that made no sense]...
mojo evaporation right there.
Then, I thanked him for the presents and he said you're welcome...
And now he goes to live it up with rock star for a couple of weeks.
Robx- what do you make of this? I mean, mind reading is no good and thank God, I am still ok with moving toward D, but I wonder as a guy if you relate to him at all.
Anyhoo, as I explained to my kids, being sad and crying is fine. You feel at move on. And so, that's what I'm doing. Hitting the road with kids in a couple of days for a birthday getaway.
H just called from the airport. Spoke to the kids and then they handed the phone to me. I was back to my happy relaxed self (genuine, not put on).
He wanted to thank me for taking such good care of the kids. We chatted a little and I was a bit witty and then told him that I had to get them to bed. He asked if I liked the dress and I said yes, that he always had the knack for finding things that I liked...and that isn't easy. Chatted a little more and then I said I really need to get them to bed.
He said that he really wanted me to know that I'm appreciated and he didn't want to not get me anything. I thanked him again and wished him a good flight.
I really like myself like this. I don't know if it is DBing or being too available or going to easy on him. I just like being me, humorous and more easy-going. I still want to fry his nuts on occasion and I fantasize about moving away and never having to deal with him again...but, here I am, coping. And, I'm not doing anything I don't want to do...
I interpret his comment about appreciating me to be his way of saying it but clarifying that it isn't that other romantic kind of appreciating. Doesn't matter...I know I'm mind reading but I know him pretty well. It scares him how cool I've been and how different the dynamic is. Even that we had that weird experience earlier and that I have moved on...it used to be a frickin 5 hour conversation when my feelings were hurt. I like myself like this much more. Him, he is confused and about to go into fantasy land...so, I bank on nothing.
ok, one more lesson...for months and months I wanted to call H's friend (the one from today) and plead my case. I did not and now, 9 months later, she sent me an email about how much she misses me and how nice it was to see me and she was sorry it was so awkward. I can't tell you how good that felt.
So, eventually, it all comes out in the wash I suppose.
