Your male friend is wrong. There is evidence all over the board for just how wrong he is. Go ask the hundreds of guys on newcomers how they feel now that they can't have their wife anymore. Guys will pine away for quite a while (years) for something they can't have. I'd actually keep things more as "we are through", rather than give him instructions like "get counseling". He's a big boy, let him figure out how to get your back. You need to continue to be the WAW if you want him back in a way that is meaningful and will stand the test of time. Let him do some work for once to win you back. If he isn't willing to do that....then how genuine was he about his desire to make it work?
You cannot be lonely if you like the person you're alone with. Dr. Wayne Dyer
I think you're right, folks, although other people on the board have said otherwise. I realize that it's risky to be the WAW, and it could mean that the relationship ends, but I think it might also be the only way it can go forward in a really positive way. My therapist said today that I seem very hesitant to let him back in my life, and that I should listen to my intuition. I feel like he needs to show me something first before I can start trusting. I want the real deal, or I don't want it. And I want him for to want ME, not a bandaid for his guilt, and the only way to be more sure of that is by giving him some time. In the meanwhile, I get to become stronger and have a better understanding of boundaries. Thanks.
somehow ended up on the phone with him tonight- he asked for a 2nd chance again, but not in a humble way this time. Said I was making a mistake by not letting him back immediately into my life. He said some really manipulative things, trying to push my buttons, trying to make me feel bad. I am disgusted. He is not a man, he is a boy. He is selfish and immature. I am done with the manipulation. I am done.
ok now that I've had some time to cool off of course I am once again second-guessing myself. Should I have let him move back with me even if he hadn't worked his own issues out first? Yes, he has issues, but just because we disagreed on how to address them, our relationship has no future?
I think if you just let him back into your life without dealing with his issues, that you may likely be in trouble in the future. B/c nothing will have changed. It's ok to disagree on how to address them, but he needs to make serious efforts in some way. Have you considered MC or Retroville or something like that?
I am in IC, he says he will definitely get IC but "hasn't had time to make an appointment" (I even gave him a list of providers covered by insurance and he's had 2 weeks). He thought we should be together and get MC, but my belief is that we need IC first- I need to see some positive changes in him first AND I need to rebuild my ability to assert myself before we can work on the R together. He asserted that he could not longer sustain a long-distance relationship with me- it was sort of all or nothing for him, and since I wouldn't let him move back immediately, he decided to move on w/out even trying to keep me in his heart. That hurts.
I read through this post and am so sorry for the roller coaster of emotions you have had to endure.
Just remind yourself that you are doing the right things for you, you are IC and improving yourself... you are not letting him pressure you into doing something that you know would just lead to the same place again.
He keeps saying "now or never" over and over... but if you notice, so far, never has not come since he keeps saying it. Stay strong, he might be deluding himself that everything could be fine and he can change but deep down even he knows it is a lie.
A person can change or a person will change... they are two different things. Words are just that... words and the moment they are spoken they lose any power. Tell him the time for words is over and it is now the time for actions, you need to see that he is doing something not hear that he will 'eventually' do something.
I am sure that you will hear alot more 'now or never's as he tries to manipulate and take charge of the situation... you just have to remember that he no longer holds the power over you.
He is tugging at your heart as hard as he can and, yes, it hurts... he will try every trick in the book. Just remember, you know his book... it is time for him to read yours.
M- 11 y H- 40 Me- 41 D (1st M) 19 S (1st M) 17 First EA (w/OOW)discovered 2000 Third EA (w/OOW & phone) discovered 02/06 SSM (total) 3 1/2 years
