Yeah, good old hindsight is a wonderful thing. Can't see for forest for the trees in the present of course! I guess the horse is having trouble seeing the stable through the trees?!
Hmm, looks like your H has never really been comfortable with who is is, if he felt the need to control you by suggesting your friends etc? So for the first time he is trying to deal with self esteme type stuff, hard the first time to go through. And he is possibly making progress as you may be seeing positive changes in very small steps? When you said he saw nothing, that was what I was saying about the horse runing away, he was looking away Cat, thats why he did not see. Now he is actually looking towards you. Its not personal, its where he was looking.
The cycle between Depression and Withdrawal. Depression is supposed to be supressed Anger, so the Depression stage I see as being stuck in the processing of the problems. Withdrawal is the working on the problems, or working on stuff, so foward movement. So work on something, get stuck, frustrated, then work again, repeat. I read a quote in a very old post that said something like when they seem to be doing nothing they are building up the steam to get them over the next hurdle. So they are currently working on a big piece of the puzzle. Probably crap, but helps with the patience for me!!
The drinking thing, see how he comes out the other side before letting, what level it is there before deciding on your course of action hey?
Pre crisis my H had avery good self awareness of himself, impact of his childhood on his life etc. He has currently lost that completely, very interesting to observe. But I wonder if that means it may be easier for him to process what is happening to him once he gets to that stage? That would mean withdrawal would be ok, and is seems to be moving thorugh in very small steps at this stage. His biggest problem is being happy with choices he makes, once he cracks that I think a lot will fall into place. An acceptance thing. Be interesting to see what he thinks he needed to sort out !
I find the Stages really interesting in that I like to look at patterns in data. I have probably stuffed up the stages in my sitch completely, if someone who really knew what they were looking at looked at it. I can't predict the furture with them (fun playing with it!), but if I can recognise where I am in the cycle, I can make it smoother for my toddlers and myself by choosing an activity for the day which works best for all parties during that sort of behavior.
I found it helpful reading earlier posts giving examples of stages, so thought it might kick off a few thoughts in someone else at some stage if I made a note of what I thought I was seeing.
Yes I agree with how the stages process and the cycles. That is why I just sit and observe. I probably try to push a little once in a while, which I know I shouldn't but it is hard to not respond at all when asked a direct question about something. But I do my best now to answer factually and lead like I lead my S so H will make his own choices, regardless of what I think the choice SHOULD be. I think that is one of his biggest hurdles, making decisions ON HIS OWN, without input from anyone. S says H is very suggestable. I have always said that.
I do think some of the control is self esteem, I think some of it is simply what was modeled to him as a child. Even in his dysfunciontal family, the main role model he had was a man who was extremly abusive, physically, mentally, emotionally (grandfather, which explains why the whole family is a mess), and even after the physical abuse was tabled, the other continued and was simply the way it was to be. And the fear level in the entire family was all it took to create the outcome to be what was wanted. When someone did something wrong, the answer was to run away until everything calmed. Didn't matter what the age of the person was, just how it worked. So some of that will probably stay after all of this, I just don't know how much. One of the most telling statements H has made to me through all of this was "I don't want to do this to you anymore." So I know he is working on stuff.
The drinking, no I won't do much about it right now. I can't let that control me right now. If H drinks too much, I go away. Into the other room. I cannot tolerate the smell of beer, which has become his drink of choice, don't mind the wine which was what it started with, and I simply treat him like I treat my own family when they have had too much. I remove myself from the situation. I won't live like that forever though. Did it the first half of my life, after I moved out sort of forgot what it was like living daily like that, was reminded while MIL was here, and I won't do it again. Don't get me wrong, I can have fun just like a ton of people, I am no teatotaller, just really really aware of what overboard and dependence is.
Mach, on my thread.
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
Talk about doing something different, H made me coffee before he went to work this morning. Kinda scary as to how the thinking process works with this stuff. But a positive in my book. Positive to what? Who knows or cares really.
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
Letting my H work on his stuff ON HIS OWN also has helped our sitch too.
Certainly I see a lot of behavior modeled during childhood has contributed to both my issues and Hs stuff. Trouble making choices is a family thing for him, running a solution too. My main issues I needed to work on were taught from my parents. I did quite a bit of work to identify and work on them before hooking up with H as my childhood was also not standard (understand dependence issues there!). So this year I had a check list in place to start my "me" work from.
H and I have not had any "talks" of any sort for over three months now. How long you guys? I would like him to come to me when he is ready, but I do wonder at times if I should let him know the door is open if he would like to talk. He did say the other day "we don't talk anymore"
Coffee- thats a biggy in our house. I used to get one every morning. None for 12 months. Machine was turned on for me once last week, first time for months. Enjoy your cup!
It has been since June for a "talk". There have been conversations, but not R conversations. More trips down H's memory lane, pre-me, things re S, house, some boundary setting for me, and wierd future talks that include the three of us, but no, no real R talks.
The memory lane stuff started after he said something about his mother and I had no real reply. I felt bad that I could say nothing but what I WANTED to say would have been of no help whatsoever, so I kept my big mouth shut. So I did let him know I was here, if he wanted to talk. But left it at that.
I am totally enjoying the coffee and no, the pot hasn't even been turned on for me in about a year, prior it was whoever got up first, so this was something new and different. Ok said I was getting the kid up, now I really am.
Yes, I have my own stuff, much of which I have worked through over time. Some major, some not so much but definately had impacts on the whole M. That and I honestly think we really were so young that the whole time has been a growing process for both of us.
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
