Well, I spoke with h last night and he said he wants a divorce, just doesn't want to be married anymore and enjoys living alone. He said he was devastated by the divorce papers and why did I file them? I told him he left, showed no signs of returning and told me in July we were done. I said we could pull those papers at any time....he said nothing. He's not sorry just guilty and ashamed over the affair. Said he doesn't want to answer to anyone....I said that's what marriage is. Having someone who is there for you...again he said nothing. He said he does not feel good about himself and is not happy and hasn't been for a long time, but he did say it's not me..it's him. Some consolation, huh??
I probably talked too much, but it was obvious to me that he wants out. I'm absolutely devastated. I told him I was not given the chance to try and work on things or figure out what we needed to work on because there was no communication from him about what was lacking, what he was missing, what he needed, etc. Again, nothing...I'm so lost. Here it is Labor Day weekend and it's so beautiful here in Colorado and we should be up at our cabin going for a hike in the mountains. I feel so lost and lonely. He said, "why was our marriage so easy?" I said, "because we loved each other and are so compatible" and I hope some day he will realize that.
He said he's not confused, it's clear to him this is what he wants, I asked if he would try a communication workshop and got little response.
Guess that's where I am right now...staring down my 48th birthday on Tuesday with a divorce.
Me 47 H 42 married 20 years no kids bomb 5/09 filed 7/09
Me 55 H 49 Married 21 years No kids bomb 5/09 filed 7/09 divorced and moving forward 5/10
Listen, the words "don't want to answer to anyone" were spewed at me several times as well. Guess what, I stopped asking. I stopped wondering. I stopped caring to a degree. A year later, I know where he is going, who he is talking to, what he is buying, and a whole bunch more stuff I may not want to know. So much for not wanting to answer to anyone huh?
I too was wondering why you aren't at the cabin. It takes time, but you have to force yourself at the beginning. Then it becomes more natural. You are still looking for the quick fix and this takes so much time. So much patience. So much stuff that you might not even realize yet. But you have it within you to survive and thrive. What will happen down the road is not written yet. The past is the past. But today can be what YOU make it.
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
The cabin is now a place of sadness for me because it's where he told me he wanted to live alone and "be true to himself." It's where he said he wasn't happy and wasn't sure he wanted to be married anymore. It's where the "bomb" was dropped and where the madness began. It's a 2 hour drive up there and I'm not in great condition to be driving around. Also, he always did the maintenance things (turning on the water, firing up the oven, etc.) and I didn't pay attention and learn how to do those things, so I wouldn't know where/how to begin.
He also took all of the kitchen supplies, all the food, all the towels, etc. to furnish his "bachelor pad."
We both cried a lot last night...but for him, I just think he wants this all over with. I wanted to give it a shot. I told him anything worth having takes hard work...no reply.
Very sad today....
Me 55 H 49 Married 21 years No kids bomb 5/09 filed 7/09 divorced and moving forward 5/10
Look, What he is doing to you (not really as much as it is for himself ) is paled in comparison to what YOU are doing to you.
If you can do this, think of it this way.....
This thing, this MLC, or whatever we call it is...
Our spouses go through this thing, and it seems to turn our world upside down in a negative pattern.
What we don't see is that it can turn our world upside down in a positive way too.
They need time to find themselves, well guess what....
WE get to do that too, except without all of the confusion, and the guilt. We get to find what we had lost over the years, and get to be who we we started out as in this.
It is truly a gift from them, and in time, you will see that.
I'm gonna repeat this, cause I know I've typed it before here....
I would NOT trade this experience for anything I've ever done. I won't do it again, but I would not trade this. The things that I have learned about myself, and friends, and getting myself out and living. Being the parent that I have become.
Even if the ending is not what I want, I will survive, and I will be a better person because of it.
I don't have children, my friends are wonderful, but my h and the life we had is what I wanted..not this.
Mach1, do they ever come back to their senses? I asked h yesterday if he thought he would regret this decision and he said he probably would. Of course, I can't believe what he says.
I was doing so much better and just had a backslide yesterday. I truly appreciate your words of wisdom and I know this will all help me be a better person, but I really did like the person I was...least I thought I did??
I'm the kind of person who is a 'giver,' I want to share my life with someone and build dreams and a future together. We got married young (me 27, h 22) and we grew up together, played hard, worked hard and have finally reached our dreams and our goals and now to imagine not having that future...well I just can't right now. I'm in so much pain....
I too, will survive, I have to because I don't get a choice in this.
And I truly appreciate and thank each and every one of you who stops by with kind thoughts and words. I know this is about him and not me, but it doesn't make it one bit easier.
Me 55 H 49 Married 21 years No kids bomb 5/09 filed 7/09 divorced and moving forward 5/10
Hey GG, listen Sweetie, this is hard stuff. I always say I wish that I could help people get through this part quickly so that they could get to the good part - the success of you part.
But, it is all a process and if you skip any steps, you dont reap the full reward.
So, what you are feeling is normal. What you h is saying is par for the course. We have all heard those words in one form or another.
Mine said, "I dont want to be married anymore. I am not confused, I have thought long and hard about this. I want to live my life without responsibilities for once, I want to live it for me. This is not anything you have done, you are one of the best people I know. It is about me and what I want. I do not want to work on this marriage."
Ok, so he skipped the parts he should have told me like the having an ow part and the enormous debt part but whatever...
So, I was a mess for a very long time. My friends on here could tell you that. I was spinning and crying and backsliding like a nut.
But slowly, I started to think. I started to think about me and my part in all this. I started to think about the things about me that I wanted to change. I started to think about where I was in my life and is that where I wanted to be.
And as I began to think of these things, my h and what he was doing started taking up less and less time in my head.
Now believe me when I tell you this took a long time because I am not always the sharpest nail in the box. But, happen it did.
Then I started getting a bit excited when I started seeing the changes. One change lead to another and it still continues.
It is hard work, this. But I promise you that you will be forever changed if you give yourself over to it. This is a journey I was meant to take.
Acknowledge that it is ok for you to feel sad and scared. Then, begin to do things that bring you outside yourself. Little things. Try a new haircut, eat better, exercise. Soon you will see you will start feeling better.
And then, you will begin to find happiness in other things.
So, let h blow in the wind right now. I promise you that having these conversations will not make him change his mind. He is on a journey of his own that only he can walk. Let him.
My opinion on this is yes, they all do at some point. That doesn't mean that we sit and wait for that. We can be patient, and have faith, and be open to this happening when it does. But we do not and cannot waste away on our knees praying and hoping for that to happen. We still have lives of our own that need to be lived.
The ultimate power lies with God in this, but he also helps those who help themselves.
I know there are people here who will disagree with me, but at some point in every persons life, there is a reflection.
Not all are strong enough to admit that they were wrong, or that they would like to try anymore, but that doesn't mean that they stay in this tunnel forever.
Not all LBS'ers are strong enough to love our whacked out spouses until the end. A lot of it hinges on pride, for both parties involved. A lot hinges on Faith, and what we choose to believe, who does the best selling job on what is right for us.
Standing is just as individual to us, as a MLC is to our spouse, no two are the same.
Standing is a very individual decision that we all have made. Understanding what is happening around us is vital to our support if that is what we choose.
Standing is a very fine line to walk. Finding that balance between standing, letting them go, and telling them to F-off forever.
Nothing you do right now will attract him home, although EVERYTHING you do right now will draw him home.
Make sense ?
That is why it is vital for you to stand by your actions, not your words. Make choices that reflect what you want, and let go of your attatchment to the old relationship.
Be the best person you can be for today, and tomorrow, think of an excuse to do better.
