Yes I agree with how the stages process and the cycles. That is why I just sit and observe. I probably try to push a little once in a while, which I know I shouldn't but it is hard to not respond at all when asked a direct question about something. But I do my best now to answer factually and lead like I lead my S so H will make his own choices, regardless of what I think the choice SHOULD be. I think that is one of his biggest hurdles, making decisions ON HIS OWN, without input from anyone. S says H is very suggestable. I have always said that.
I do think some of the control is self esteem, I think some of it is simply what was modeled to him as a child. Even in his dysfunciontal family, the main role model he had was a man who was extremly abusive, physically, mentally, emotionally (grandfather, which explains why the whole family is a mess), and even after the physical abuse was tabled, the other continued and was simply the way it was to be. And the fear level in the entire family was all it took to create the outcome to be what was wanted. When someone did something wrong, the answer was to run away until everything calmed. Didn't matter what the age of the person was, just how it worked. So some of that will probably stay after all of this, I just don't know how much. One of the most telling statements H has made to me through all of this was "I don't want to do this to you anymore." So I know he is working on stuff.
The drinking, no I won't do much about it right now. I can't let that control me right now. If H drinks too much, I go away. Into the other room. I cannot tolerate the smell of beer, which has become his drink of choice, don't mind the wine which was what it started with, and I simply treat him like I treat my own family when they have had too much. I remove myself from the situation. I won't live like that forever though. Did it the first half of my life, after I moved out sort of forgot what it was like living daily like that, was reminded while MIL was here, and I won't do it again. Don't get me wrong, I can have fun just like a ton of people, I am no teatotaller, just really really aware of what overboard and dependence is.
Mach, on my thread.
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
