Have had a very busy day, took D to work, had my waxing done, went a got fitted for the clothes I will wear in the parade and a few other jobs that needed attending to.
A couple of the dresses I absolutely love and with D's birthday and valedictory dinner coming up I might buy them, I get a discount which is good but they are absolutely stunning. Looking forward to it now.
I went to have coffee with a friend which ended with her H joining us and then staying on for dinner, which was enjoyable they had a lot of M troubles with the W being the one to walk away, they are back together and much stronger than ever.
While I was at dinner H sent me an SMS saying his football team lost and he wouldn't be home till tomorrow as he was going out on the town. So he has another full weekend out living it up. I felt like replying "like I give a S$#@" but didn't, I didn't reply at all. Why bother telling me, no contact since last night so why now.
I have decided that enough is enough, no more cake eating for him so tomorrow when he eventually arrives home, his ironing will not be done and Monday morning there will be no breakfast or lunch made for him. That's right I also make his breakfast and lunch every day of the week. This will be a big big big 180 for me..
The couple I ended up having dinner with said to me exactly what Gucci had said, you are letting him have the best of both worlds and it has to stop. The H said that last Saturday night at the party my H was grilling him about the conversation I had with him wanting to know everything I said was particularly interested that I had mentioned that it didn't bother me if his football team didn't win. I don't follow football really but always supported his team. Now it seemed to bother him that I wasn't supporting them. He even asked me about it the following morning.
His not coming home again tonight means he has forgotten he was supposed to pick D up at midnight which now means once again I have to do it. He has abandoned all fatherly duties.
As I sit here now contemplating the future trying to focus on tomorrow. I am looking forward to going to the nursery to get some plants for the balcony and planting a potted herb and vegie garden and need to get an umbrella.
Yes SD I have thought of many words too but then we have class and dignity which they don't and that is what sets us all apart from the OW and OM in our partners lives.
Good for you Oz. You are handling yourself with such dignity. H probably has remembered about D and that's why he's sent you the text tonight. Unfortunately, that's what my H did with his fatherly duties, too. He does the occasional trip now but that's it. He didn't even manage anything too much when I couldn't drive...so self centred. I'm glad Gucci got onto you. It will save you making the mistakes I did. I made H still feel comfortable even though he had been so horrible to us all.
I think Gucci's words and then the added insult H has thrown at me this weekend of not coming home and having the nerve to send me an SMS was what has finally done it and then having a friends H say to me as well, sorry but you need to stop letting him use you like a housekeeper rather than someone he loves and adores sealed it.
I am not saying it won't be hard, it will be hard because I will be fearing the reaction not so much from the lunch but more the ironing and breakfast.
As I have always wanted to and tried to please everyone pulling back will be hard.
D was upset that H wasn't going to pick her up as he had promised just adds more to her reasoning of why she dislikes him so much. She doesn't even want him to come to her valedictory dinner or birthday party. What can I say to her? She is old enough to decide those things for herself, but I think it is so sad.
It is so sad. Not much you can do though. In the first year my D won a major award at school. H was not there. I was devastated for my D. It took me a long time to realise that I couldn't repair the relationship and it was up to him. i made excuses for him and always pointed out his positive, loving and generous traits but at one time he even accused me of trying to turn the kids against him. He didn't need any help from me!!
Now, I have promised myself to keep out of it. I said nothing over his recent moving day but I felt disgusted by it. He has to answer to the kids and they know how he makes them feel. Like your D my kids are well adjusted and they can make their own decisions. In fact they have a better handle on this than I do
They certainly don't need any help in turning the kids against them, they do it squarely on their own, I don't say anything bad about H to my kids, S made up his own mind on the weekend when he saw H, H hardly even spoke to S or his girlfriend, virtually ignored them and if he did speak was agro with S.
I do need though by tomorrow to have a plan in place for how I will react towards H when he comes home if I happen to be here when he does and also if I come home after he does (I have no idea when he will be home).
Quiet mysterious attitude. Don't act angry. Lost in your own thoughts. Busy with OTHER activities. Offer nothing emotionally or doing any work for him...
If he asks you what is up with you..
"Oh nothing, just got a lot on my mind..."
"Oh nothing, just doing some thinking."
If he asks you about the clothes and making his dinner..
"I decided that I am not going to do that anymore for you. You are a big boy and I think you should do those things for yourself. I have too much else to do>" (said matter of factly and without anger.)
Then get back to whatever it is you were doing. If he pressures you for more information...
"I just don't feel like talking right now about much of anything. I just have a lot on my mind."
If he asks you if you are mad at him
"No, I'm not mad at anyone. I just have a lot on my mind and a lot going on."
Calm cool resolve. Quiet mystery. Hold BACK on any discussion and stick to the plan of telling him "I have a lot on my mind"or "I don't know what is wrong with me, I just don't feel like talking right now."
You don't act sad. You don't act angry. It is a quiet lost in your thoughts attitude. You can NOT have a relationship talk YET. (that will be coming but you have to "set the table" here for it to have maximum effect. He probably isn't going to be too concerned initially because of your pattern of interacting. (which MUST change for good for now)
Thanks for that advice, I always get very nervous when I know he is coming back, I don't know why but I do.
Yes I know my pattern of interacting with him once changed must remain that way and not go backwards will be hard but I know I can find the strength to do it.
Will keep re-reading what you have told me so I get it straight in my head.
