UPSIDE DOWN - still struggling, trying to detach

[Eskimo Nell]

(((JCJ))) No apology needed - I want to argue with you but you know that I can't! There's no bluffing the sisterhood and you can see right through me, though I am trying for it to be about me, I'm just still far too in love with H for anything else to matter. I know that I shouldn't but I guess this is about me faking it until I make it ... that's why I'm on this emotional see-saw all the time, isn't it? I know it is but I feel like I just don't want to detach, so why should I?? I feel that he is forcing me to go where I don't want to.

I feel that I don't have any decisions in life with my current situation as it is and it's all about what he is doing that is MAKING me take a different path than the one that I want to be on - with him ... I'm like a schoolkid throwing a tanty and dragging my heels as I go ....

I read the post that you left on Cas's board ... about your night out with H and I so identified with you at that point ... except for how strong you are and how weak I am. I don't know where people get that kind of strength from. I am trying to find it, you know that I am. I am working on myself with the C but I don't know that anything is making any difference.

I have only written that 'OK thanks' note to H in 11 days ... but yes, I see your point about counting! I just feel like everyone else is cottoning on to DB'ing and I am not - try as hard as I might!

No - it wouldn't make me feel better if H came back just for the house but then I know that he wouldn't - he's not that way inclined - none of it is important to him. I am ready to Act As If but again, it's not for me, sadly. I can do all this in front of his face and I am a good actress. It's just that I don't feel strong enough to do this all for me just yet. I am hoping that getting a regular job, some financial security behind me and some more 'stability' will help me get the ingredients to start doing it all for real. Meanwhile, I just have to carry on and try the best that I can ....