New Post for Wifey

[Dudess]

So I don't continue to hijack AFWAW's thread, I'll reply to you here.

Dudess you are exactly right about him needing to be the pursuer. He does the asking, he sets the days and times to get together. I don't ask or contact him as a rule. And, I am not always available when he does ask.

Pursuing is more than who asks who to go out. When you say ILY first, you are pursuing. When you reach for his hand, you are pursuing. When you ask him to dance, you are pursuing.

As for the tic - toc, he never filed for the legal separation. The clock hasn't started toward a D yet. I haven't stopped him, but I also haven't enabled him. His reason for not filing, he said was because he wasn't sure it was the right thing to do.

Okay, now I remember. I also now recall why he decided not file for separation:

H thinks he needs the Separation Papers to make a fresh start and really and truly expresses a desire to rebuild our relationship. Starting as friends and then building trust.

Fine except for one little detail. I informed him that I, too, need to see trust rebuilt. And, that legal papers will not be a fresh start at all. Actually, I told him that legal papers would mean that I would not be around.

When he asked me to explain I said that it would mean I would no longer live in limbo, that I wouldn't be hanging around, that we would no longer date, or meet for dinner, or spend holidays together as a family and that I would no longer consider him family or friend. And, I added, that I would not be alone.

Stunned silence followed as he took it in. He looked at me to see if I meant it and I didn't blink. He blinked many, many times.

See what happens when he has to face that he might lose you?

If you can advise me what I do wrong, what I should consider doing or not, I really am all ears.

I will tell you what I see. It is not based just on my conjecture but what you say about how your H responds to what you do.

In addition to the pursuing behaviors mentioned above, you do some mommying like telling him he needs to go to bed, taking him by the hand and tucking him in.

When you write long, tortured, letters about how much you love him and how you would never, ever leave him or want another man regardless of what he does, well . . . I don't know what that is. I'm sorry Wifey, but it does sound pathetic. Why in the world would you ever let a man of sound mind and body know that he doesn't have to ever do anything to have your undying devotion. No wonder he feels so pressured.

And remember - that is the opposite of what got him to drop the separation plan.

Of course he feels guilty. You tell him your heart is broken, you've been crying all day, and that you will have to communicate through your lawyer because you are too distraught to look out for your best interest. You let him know over and over how much he has hurt you. I'm sure it's true, but that is not going to draw him towards you. He will be drawn towards you when it seems he doesn't have the power to affect you all that much.

What his response closely and act accordingly. Even though divorce is not looming, it doesn't look like you are making any headway. In fact, it sounds more like it is worse.

I care about you wifey. I know what i said may sound harsh, but I really don't want to see you blow it with you H.