Up, down, turn around

[LoginName]

Alright. Let's get down to business. You helped me out, now I'll try to help you out.

Short and sweet summary, followed by analysis.
1. She wants to work on your marriage, she wants you to stay together. After everything, INCLUDING your self righteous, arrogant, holier than though attitude, giving ultimatums, she wants to stay with you. What does that say?
2. As you, and others, have told me, only you can know when it's time to go. Is it, for you? You're here asking advice. Why? Haven't made up your mind? The hell you haven't. You want your marriage to work and you want to be talked out of your "decision".
3. You, yes you, have to change, more. You say she agreed to not make decisions without you, etc etc. In other words, under duress (either do this or the marriage is over!) she agreed to whatever you said and she really tried to live up to it. She couldn't. It was unreasonable. Drop ALL conditions.

THIS is Gut check time. Do you have the strength to give, to let go, TO LOVE?

You know what though? If you're fed up, want to move on, feel, KNOW it's right, then do it. Just do it.

Now for more pontificating, and long winded philosophy.
Why do I say the things I do? Because I've been there too. I set what YOU said were good boundaries. They were 1) no contact with the OM 2) must agree to work on the marriage. See, I only had 2, and neither one was sustainable.

My W still talks to the OM (thank God he is in another state, although I feel she is so in love with me know that it wouldn't matter). For the first 2 years she came back to me, and the family, she said what she had to in order to keep me from kicking her out. She didn't mean it.

It took time, and maybe separation, for me to let go. Trust for no reason. Love for no good reason. She didn't deserve it (did I or anyone?).

Here's an idea. Ask your wife why. Why didn't she follow the (your?) rules? Ask her What. What does she want? What is she missing? Why does she feel that way? Then listen and accept the answer.

TL, you struck me as extremely strong (tough?) and wise. How tough are you?

Self defence, and self preservation. Maybe you feel like you'll die if you don't get the kind of relationship you want. Fine, if she isn't giving it to you, and can't, then move on. But what, at the core, do you really need? How much is a power play? How much is power important to you? What do you want? It comes down to you, partner.

Y'all used to tell me, it's not about me, it's about her. Meaning, she is thinking about herself and what she needs. She's figuring herself out.

Now, it's about you. Can you find yourself with her? Do you know yourself? What do you really NEED?

If you're not getting what you need, I suggest making one more attempt to really say what you need. If she doesn't or can't meet those needs, move on. Be prepared for her to say what she really needs too. If you can't or won't meet those needs, then be prepared for her to move on.

Good luck TL. You were a big part in saving my marriage. I had forgotten that I had an automatic email notification set up for any post you make. I'm glad I did. Good luck on your journey. It's long, hard and exciting.