I do see a theme here, that is NG’s loosing their women because they are NG’s, and then failing to win them back by continuing their NG behavior. Reading some of these threads I just want to jump through the monitor and ring their necks, PULL IT TOGETHER MAN!
SOME of the ones that lose their women are the nice guys. Some of the ones that lose their women have been nothing but jerks.
The nice guys just keep doing more of the same, but the jerks suddenly turn into Mr. Mom, and Mr. Laundry and Mr Foot Rub, and Mr. Wash the Dishes etc, etc......
We don't want to thow them all into the same grup. There is different approaches to each situation depending on what has happened. MOST times the wife HAS another man on her mind. It is very rare when they don't. When she doesn't then she is usually OPEN to his changes. (what has she to lose?)(i.e Coach's wife)
When they DO.. they do what a wife like Orich has. It is apparent she is interested in someone else, but it has fallen on death ears. It must be depression, it must be her past hurt, maybe it's this or maybe it's that. Maybe if I did this or maybe if I did that. Maybe I should be more tough, maybe I should pursue, maybe I shouldn't pursue... The list gets endless with diagnosing her issues with him, when the fact is she has her mind on someone else.
People ask for help and advice and "be honest with me" tell me what you think.. I tell them.. The evidence is pointing solidly to an affair and another man...
"NO... Don't tell me that" So they say they want honesty, but they really don't. What they want is this. "please give me hope and be honest,but keep it within the diagnosis that I want it to be" Others trying to help these men, come in and enable the men to keep right on trying to diagnose a problem that isn't the real issue....
more communciation, less communication, go to counseling, don't pressure, try dating her, try flirting with her, don't say anything when she goes out, set boundaries and THAT list goes on and on...
To me it is like going to the doctor and he tells you that you have cancer and you say.. "don't tell me that" I know I don't. I will go get a second opinion. They then keep getting opinions until they find someone'(s) that will agree with their opinion.
It doesn't change the fact of what the real disease is, but at least he doesn't have to face the real issue. Until they do, it is a futile attempt.
The evidence and facts show this because?
Because they are NOT RECONCILED after months and months wich are turning into YEARS. Why?
WRONG DIAGNOSIS... Wrong medicine to treat a wrong diagnosis. Instead of others helping by trying to get them to see it, they "feel sorry" for the BS and allow him to control the manner in which he will be treated. (no GOOD doctor would go along with such nonsense. "Ok, I will treat you for heartburn and maybe then you will be cured. (while he actually has cancer)Keep taking these Rolaids and maybe after a year or more you will be ok...???
AFWAW finally diagnosed the correct issue and then used the correct prescription not only for his wife to turn around, but for HIM to get healthy.
Well, there is a fine line, isn't there? Cuz how long will any secure person (male or female) pursue someone who is walking away?
As one of my pals said... "Might take me an hour to get over her"
LET THEM GO IF THAT IS WHAT THEY WANT. A secure person realizes that he or she can not make someone stay with them or be in love with them. They have to stay out of choice. It doesn't mean that the secure person doesn't hurt.
Reading some of these threads I just want to jump through the monitor and ring their necks, PULL IT TOGETHER MAN!
Despite all the evidence that it isn't working for most all of them and despite the evidence of the ones who finally did get smart suddenly come on and tell us that the WAW is now showing more signs of coming back than she did the whole time he was hanging in there...
How long are you going to keep tolerating your husband treating you like he does and you still keep believing that the way you are handling it is going to work?
No matter how long or what the actual facts are showing?
He's got a point Wifey. He still feels pressured and guilty and loves you like a sister. Meanwhile, the time nears when he can file for divorce after the requisite time separated. tic toc . . .
Look for yourself at what happened on those occasions when you backed way off, were not transparent, and gave him some reason to wonder if you would always be right there. He moved towards you.
He told you straight out that he wanted to be the pursuer. Let him. Don't deprive him of the pleasure of winning you.
Or is this only an act as if that I'm reading out of context?
You have it out of context.. It is a guy thing between guys...
Sometimes you women sure get in the way when I am trying to save a relationship........
So sorry us women are such a bother. I won't interfere - because I have a dime in my pocket.
Me 45, H 46, S 23, M 26, Together 30, Bomb 6-2-08, S 6-19-08; H left 12-29-08. H home 12-09, Still MLC in 2012! Me- I have my big girl panties on. Bring it.
I have no problem with you calling it like you see it.
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How long are you going to keep tolerating your husband treating you like he does and you still keep believing that the way you are handling it is going to work?
No matter how long or what the actual facts are showing?
So you have some insight to add? I'm all ears. Since you have followed so closely I'm sure you can tell me what I should be doing? How I am handling it must be awfully messed up and I had no idea. Please share your insights.
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Just curious because you are OVER one year now and it isn't looking much different to me than one year ago..... I find it sad that you are trying so hard to be happy that it almost seems like a martyr.. "here hurt me again. I will just go on and keep smiling"
I don't need your pity and I certainly don't want you to be distressed that I am trying so hard to be happy. As a matter of fact I am happy. I'm nobody's martyr. And just because I'm over a year is no reason to make a judgment call.
Me 45, H 46, S 23, M 26, Together 30, Bomb 6-2-08, S 6-19-08; H left 12-29-08. H home 12-09, Still MLC in 2012! Me- I have my big girl panties on. Bring it.
How long are you going to keep tolerating your husband treating you like he does and you still keep believing that the way you are handling it is going to work?
No matter how long or what the actual facts are showing?
He's got a point Wifey. He still feels pressured and guilty and loves you like a sister. Meanwhile, the time nears when he can file for divorce after the requisite time separated. tic toc . . .
Look for yourself at what happened on those occasions when you backed way off, were not transparent, and gave him some reason to wonder if you would always be right there. He moved towards you.
He told you straight out that he wanted to be the pursuer. Let him. Don't deprive him of the pleasure of winning you.
Dudess you are exactly right about him needing to be the pursuer. He does the asking, he sets the days and times to get together. I don't ask or contact him as a rule. And, I am not always available when he does ask.
I'm doing my thing. Taking care of my dog, my house, and my own head. I've gone back to school to get my masters, and a state certification as a school business administrator. I love to scare the fish and can pull out a dozen or better on a trip.
As for the tic - toc, he never filed for the legal separation. The clock hasn't started toward a D yet. I haven't stopped him, but I also haven't enabled him. His reason for not filing, he said was because he wasn't sure it was the right thing to do. I can't speculate any farther than that and really don't spend any energy on it.
If you can advise me what I do wrong, what I should consider doing or not, I really am all ears. I continue to work on me and grow and learn.
Just because I don't get on and journal my every waking moment, I hope no one assumes I am sitting at home pining away. I don't share everything because I don't have the time, and I also don't find it necessary usually to focus on the minutia of every nuance. I'm out seeing and doing and experiencing.
Me 45, H 46, S 23, M 26, Together 30, Bomb 6-2-08, S 6-19-08; H left 12-29-08. H home 12-09, Still MLC in 2012! Me- I have my big girl panties on. Bring it.
Based on my past experience, I see many warning signs that your WAW could potentially go that direction. It is not at all funny, and you will find yourself very put off by her behavior, that is if she does go off her rocker.
I'm actually not too worried about this one. Two reasons: 1. She's in the military and I have emails and an IM chat where she admitted to having screwed other men. Adultry in the military is against the rules and she could lose big time as my commander knows and all I have to do is say go and he will make the phone call and she will be in for a hell of a ride. 2. When I consulted with my lawyer the other day, she told me that there was a 99% chance that I would retain custody of my daughter if my case actually had to go to court--I'm hoping it won't. The lawyer also said that if there was a visitation agreement drawn up then at the age of 15, my daughter doesn't have to agree to going to see her mom. In other words, my daughter has about zero respect for her mom right now based on what her mom has said and done(remember, she told her that she had a BF). So, if the wife gets more "crazy" my daughter will recognize this and opt out of visitations probably I'm guessing.
BTW, I had a perfectly awesome night! Spent some time with some friends and that beautiful 45 year old woman. Laughed and laughed and laughed. I still can't wipe the smile off my face. Gucci, thanks for the prescription! I just wish I would have taken my medicine earlier!
M-41 ex-W-40 Together--17 years SS-20 D-14 Bomb--2 Feb 09 WAW--6 Feb 09 Officially divorced on 2 Jun 2010!!! ex-W has a boyfriend 8 Jun 2010!!! Off we go into the wild blue yonder!!!!
My phone blew up again today. I got voicemails and texts but did not respond. Texts ranged from "Who is this person you’re seeing?(I never said I was seeing anyone, just said I was talking to someone--way to twist it)" to "WTF?"(I assume because I would not answer) "Do u still want me home?" and then finally "Sorry for that moment of weakness. Won’t bother you again."
Voicemail was a little more revealing as to how she is feeling.
"Are u still thinking?" "I need to know beacause whenever I started thinking about it I thought I would be ok but I’m not ok. Just let me know, ok."
It sounded like she was frantic and maybe had been crying. I don't know.
Here's the thing. After all this, I started feeling guilty? And I don't understand why. I haven't done anything inappropriate. I haven't talked to anyone about anything out of context. I haven't done anything to violate my vows.
She cheated on me w/ 4 men, had an EA w/ the last one, lived with him and she's giving me a hard time for talking to a woman?
Someone help me out with why I'm feeling this way please. Is it simply because I have a conscience?
Because at this point, I don't have an interest in saving my marriage.
M-41 ex-W-40 Together--17 years SS-20 D-14 Bomb--2 Feb 09 WAW--6 Feb 09 Officially divorced on 2 Jun 2010!!! ex-W has a boyfriend 8 Jun 2010!!! Off we go into the wild blue yonder!!!!
