Well that's great! I know - I'm in my forties & it's hard to get together w my old friends who are married & have kids to do stuff. But I think getting back to doing stuff you love is a great step. I say that not having done it myself! But I am thinking about how to. You are thinking about doing things you like & that seems to be the key to GAL.
I know what you mean about family, a main reason I went back to IC. I realized by dumping on my sisters I was putting them in a position of defending me, which of course I love. But not really productive, as they get mad. I need another, objective person to spill everything to. That's nice about you MIL, my H's parents (he's so lucky to still have them both!) also expressed similar thougths to me soon after the bomb. However I havent' heard from them lately & I think it may be good to not talk to them right now. It's hard to detach from H & his family. After all they were like my family too. But doesn't seem possible right now at least. But you have kids so makes sense they stay in touch with you. I think that's good for your kids too. Hope you have a good weekend, it's a long one! Keep up the strength!
Yeah, it'll be a positive step. Moving forward. Thanks LFA.
Guess I'm driving myself crazy this morning. Talked to my sister last night, and just talking through the realities of the situation... ugh. I've been in this state of mind that, this can be saved. Nobody else sees it, or even encourages it. The person I'm used to being my partner, the person I've discussed decisions with, is causing it. Talked to my buddy last night at length too. Good listener.
After dreaming about her night before last, it was hard to come home after work yesterday. I did mention my dream in a lighthearted way to see her reaction, she smiled and said something like sounded like a good dream. She was frazzled, and I do admit that I sat her down and rubbed her shoulders for a little bit. I know what you guys are going to say, I guess I still hope that bridging some small amount of intimacy will make a difference. It worked last time. Well, monitoring results. I know, guys.
Just feeling down this morning. Not sick-to-my-stomach-laying-in-the-bottom-of-the-shower down, just I'm not sure what to do next down.
Yes, I'm feeling impatient. I know, I've got to get a grip.
It's like that feeling where I've pulled a muscle and can't get comfortable, and nothing to do about it.
She's planning to be gone this weekend, so I won't see her for a few days. I guess that's that. Saving me from myself.
Her L supposedly vacated the dates, for court on 10/1, and the mediation appt today - W called the court and they still have today's thing scheduled. Not sure if I need to go or what. Guess I'll call myself here in a little bit. Would hate for everthing to go to pot because of some misunderstanding.
Here's an interesting thing. W had had a habit of, when she's trying to remember something, she puts her wedding ring on the other hand to remind her. SHe's been wearing the ring on other hand nonstop here lately. I thought it was because of what's going on. When I asked her this morning to call me when she's got confirmation on this appt, she said - oh, yeah, let me put my ring on the other hand - and I noticed she had it on her left hand this morning, until she did this. Well, I guess a little postive thing - maybe she's been trying to remember a lot of things lately. Yeah, that's weak, I know, but still.
OK, well, one day at a time. I have the kids for part of the weekend, then taking them to in-laws. I have no idea of plans for the weekend.
I'm called into a meeting that I"m not paying attention to. I guess I need to get back to work.
I've got my head in the sand, W is emotionally unstable, playing me for a fool, if I save the M what happens next time she decides to go through this.
Everyone thinks it's over, and I'm just an idiot. For believing, for persisting, for not kicking her our of the house. for not being mean, for not suing for full custody. For continuing to be friendly.
Everyone thinks it's over, and I'm just an idiot. For believing, for persisting, for not kicking her our of the house. for not being mean, for not suing for full custody. For continuing to be friendly.
Is this beyond saving? Am I a fool?
It's not beyond saving and you're not a fool.
I don't think being mean is ever a good thing in my opinion, but on the other hand your being her friend hasn't been working and she continues to file towards divorce. She is clearly not acting as your friend, even though she may talk like she's a friend to you. Look at her actions and not her words.
I think you need to become stronger, more confident, detached. GAL for your kids and don't rub her anymore or comfort her. Let her feel consequences which you have for the most part not done. Help her to realize you still won't provide emotional support or be her best bud and pretend to be an intact family for the kids if you divorce. Karen
I think you need to become stronger, more confident, detached. GAL for your kids and don't rub her anymore or comfort her. Let her feel consequences which you have for the most part not done. Help her to realize you still won't provide emotional support or be her best bud and pretend to be an intact family for the kids if you divorce. Karen
I thought she's left for her trip last night, but she hadn't - she came home, said she's been out with a friend.
In the tired and crabby mood I was in, I just said, "What are you doing here??"
SHe said she's told her friend what was going on, and had been crying. She talked a little about that. Asked me how my day was, I just said "Fine". She dished me up some ice cream, which I ate, then said "What do you want to watch?" I said "I don't care, I'm going to bed." Seemed like she went to bed shortly after that.
Karen, you're right. I know it.
My head is still buzzing with my family's input. They think I'm better off without her and are angry with me.
Bill - In my round two I have not said a word about it to anyone. Not a soul. This has allowed me to really work on things with only my own real thoughts and perspective. Sure, it would be nice to have someone for support, but sometimes it just makes things more confusing. And then if you do manage to save your marriage, your friends and family are unlikely to ever be the same way with your wife again -and that will create problems that you just don't need.
Since I am only in day 10 of round two of dbing, it's mcuh easier to not have help. And I knew pretty much from the beginning that tomorrow would be the day we have the R talk, so that also make it easier in some ways.
Thanks Indy. Unfortunately, it's too late. My family has taken things I've said, trying to explain W's perspective, and now has the opinion that she's emotionally unstable, an unfit mother, etc. and that I'm enabling her. I'm accomodating her "sick and stagnant" fantasy. If I object my sister says, "you're still defending her." Honestly, my family has never liked my wife very much. There's always been weirdness there. Now I feel like my family is going to write me off as being a complete idiot, not doing what I need to for my boys, etc.
My sister said, I'm the strong one - I'm the stable one - is W going to be able to be alone? What kind of people is she going to introduce into the boys' lives?
I guess I should have kept my mouth shut.
So - this morning was interesting. I wasn't feeling so well. W came out, asked if she could make breakfast, how I wanted my eggs, etc. At one point she came over and started rubbing my side vigorously. I mumbled something, and she stopped and said, "No?" I said, no, just, how are you doing?
She continued to be really chatted, I didn't say much. Then when I was taking a shower, she asked if she could come in and get ready. Kept chatting, I kept saying "What?" over the shower. So after awhile, she said, I'm sorry, I just miss you. So I opened the door, looked at her and said, "What do you want from me?"
So, I'm being distant, she's pursuing, or something like it.
I'm taking the boys to the in-laws - think I'm fighting a cold, so seemed like a good idea. I've spent a looot of time, weekends and so on, with the boys lately, so I'm OK with it. So this weekend will be the first time that I've really been alone.
So, I guess time to GAL. Call up my buddy. Just go out and read a book in a coffee shop. Maybe I'll buy some new clothes or something. Need to mow the grass.
W asked if she could call me over the weekend, I said sure. She was wearing her ring on her correct hand this morning.
Drop the rope. Let the cat come to you. Right guys? I'm turning around what I'm doing.
My head is still buzzing with my family's input. They think I'm better off without her and are angry with me.
They just want you to be happy. What happened to me is the one who got maddest was my brother. Ironically, he had done the same stuff, the A, moving out, involved with a woman with kids a few years earlier. He was enraged at my X doing the same stuff he had done. My brother reconciled with his wife though and still are! So I took that with a grain of salt.
I didn't tell anyone for a couple months, but I did feel better being truthful and open about it once I did. You just find some people are more helpful and supportive than others. Ask those people for advice.
Good for you-not watching TV with her! I think you just have to decide what you want to do and then fully commit to that. Karen
Thanks LFA.