H with 1foot out the door...LONG

[hhh]

Gina,

I must say I am SO happy for you and honestly a bit jealous that you H was willing to go to Retro. I also was hoping my H would be open to the 9/18 hartford session (we live in Boston but 9/11 likely not feasible)...but i don't think i can pursue at this point...we've been separated and living apart for nearly 8 months, with very little contact. I've read Stronger posts to your post, and she's also been an inspiration to me. My H has not filed or brought up D without my pressing to 'work on our M'...but I wonder how long he wished this status quo.

There are some similarities in our posts and I'd greatly value your input into my situation "just want my H back" thread. Regardless, I am happy for you that he is open and think it will be a healing experience regardless. I am eager to hear about Orich's and other experiences very soon. If only I'd known about retro sooner - if i knew of it a year ago I know H would have gone...

Good for you for staying so strong! How is your D doing?
-hhh

[Looking_For_Help]

Hi lg193,

Have you seen women's attitudes change during Retrouvaille as well?

Looking for hope,
LFH

[Stronger]

Did you check to see if you could find that book?

[Butterfly1]

Hi - chiming in here -
I just want to applaud you - you and your H were able to communicate - you were wondering about where he was at, emotionally temperature taking - and he told you flat out how he felt, what he needed ,and admitted he hadn't done that in the past. You heard him and gave him what he needed.

Good job! The best you could do! You are both really trying. That is awesome.

If you read my thread, you may find similarities too. "I'm new and wondering if this works" Although I never fully posted my story, after reading yours, it's practically identical. If you want details, I'll happily share them. But we have a lot in common.

All the best to you - and keep working on finding that inner peace.

[ginab1966]

Ok so this is getting hard. I really thought we were at piecing because he said he wanted to try and he's not trying. He walks around this house like he lost his best friend. The first week, he did great and day by day it's just getting worse. Like he's living in hell. He lays down at 8pm and just barely speaks to me. I want so much to say something to him but I know that I can't. If he doesn't want to talk I'm not supposed to make him, right? I'm just supposed to be all happy and GAL and stuff. Well, I have a kid that I need to be there for so it's not like I can just go out and have some fun. We're going to an amusement park Saturday and Sunday a local fair. The first, we were invited to go, the other I mentioned ot him and he thought it would be good to bring our D. He asked me how my day was and stuff and we ate dinner and made pleasant conversation. On FB someone asked how he was and he said "I've been better but I'm ok". It's just so difficult to be with someone that so clearly is using all he has just to be in the same airspace with you. Oh no. I'm crying now. [censored]!! This just hurts so much. Ok, I have to get myself together. God, let me get it together. I love him so much and it's just so hard not to feel any of that love back and just the opposite...there's no emotion at all. How can he really say that he's trying. I know that I can't bring anything up to him or he's going to say "I'm doing the best I can. I just don't feel anything for you" But two weeks ago he's texting "I love you" to me. See, I'm on the ride....he takes me there (no, I go there..he doesn't make me..I allow it) every single time. Please tell me how I handle this? I almost want to say to him "If it's so hard for you to freakin' live here and try to make a marriage work...then LEAVE." But I won't. He's here and if he's here there's a chance and we're going to Retro in two weeks and maybet that will help. I'm doing my best to stay in the moment and not project but this moment is so painful that I want to just not be in it. How is this going to work if he doesn't want it to work? Why did he say he would try, try for a week and then just shut down? Why? How am I ever going to get us back to where we were? I would do more 180's like go out, do things but I can't cuz I can't afford a babysitter. What 180's can I do? He doens't want to be smothered so I don't touch him, he doesn't want to talk, I leave him alone. He would assume that I'd be acting clingy and begging and probing, I'm happy and putter around the house getting stuff done. I go to CoDA meetings. What more can I do? What kind of 180 would get his attention? I really need someone to throw me a lifeline and help me hang on. It's really rough...really.

Thanks...G

[Looking_For_Help]

Hi Gina,

My W and I are going to Retro in about 43 days. Sara, a person who works with Retro and posts on this BB quite frequently, suggested to me that I lay low and play it cool until Retro arrives. Read what Sara wrote in my thread when you get the chance. You don't want to do anything that can negatively impact your chances at Retro. Many people on this BB would love the opportunity for their walk-aways to attend with them. Consider yourself fortunate. So in the meantime, just be patient and GAL. It's only two weeks away for you!

I understand what you're going through...my W said she loved me just four weeks ago and wanted to work on things...then she just shut down on me. Focus on yourself and your kids. Much of my GALing includes doing fun stuff with my kids. We've done Disney, Sea World, Kennedy Space Center, and the beach just to name a few. Be strong, confident, and happy...it will make you more attractive to your H. Most importantly...be patient. You can do it.

-LFH

[ginab1966]

Looking:

Thank you so much for your encouraging post. I know that I sound horrible for whining. I know that there are folks on this board that would give there right arm to have their husbands in bed upstairs. I know that on a certain level how really am lucky but it's just so difficult when they shut down like this. I'm so sorry that you are going through the same thing. I just have to get through to the 18th. The one worry I have is that I'm holding out too much hope for retro and if it doesn't make a difference, I want to believe that I will be strong and "ok" and still be able to fight the fight. It just get's so hard that at times you think.....am I supposed to let go now? When is too much fight a bad thing? I know that no one can tell you that but sometimes I think that hanging on too long can be bad...but...for right now, right this minute I have fight in me. I live one day at a time. So, tomorrow will be another day and I will deal with that when it comes. It's so easier to live life in 24 hour increments. I CAN do for 24 hours what I CANNOT do for a week. Sometimes I think he's just waiting for me to say Uncle. So he doesn't have to be the bad guy.

For now, I'm looking forward to Retro and going to your post to read Sara's stuff. Thanks for the help and God bless your and your family. I really hope things work out for you. Post and let me know what you thought of Retro. I know I'm going to post the minute I get back!!

Take good care...Gina B

[Stronger]

Hey Gina
You just have to take a step back. Maybe you need to take two or three.

Give him his space and follow his lead. You don't have to really DO anything except live and let him know you care.

[Stronger]

Gina...
Thinking about you.

Remember this: You don't have to do anything to please him or to gain favor with him. You just have to be happy for you.

You can't make him happy. So don't try.

You can piss him off though, so just try to avoid him when he's in a mood. Don't go beyond are you ok? Or some other question to acknowledge, hey, I'm here if you want to talk or not talk or whatever. I'll leave it up to you though.

[ginab1966]

Happy Labor Day Weekend to Everyone:

Stronger...thanks for the refocus sweetie. I really needed it. Oh by the way, I followed your lead to the letter. You would be very proud.

Went to a double Coda meeting last night and didn't get home until 10:30. His/our bedroom door was shut and he was asleep. I have no clue what that meant. Did he want to be alone, did he just want D to know he was asleep so not to keep coming out of room and asking for the 7th glass of water. I didn't know. I went in and got in bed and he never even stired. We woke up this morning and he we had a bit of a cuddle which was nice and then went to the amusement park. Had a wonderful time and he held my hand for about 30 seconds on the way out of the park. (it was a bit awkward but nice). He was going to go out (to some party with friends. He never said where or with who). I was a bit bummed he didn't invite me..but..whatever. I never said anything about being bummed though and made sure we left the park in time for him to go and stuff. He just told me he isn't going and is just too tired. So, that's good. He's a bit peppier than the past week. Less mopey and depressed. We'll see how it goes. As Stronger said...I'm taking his lead and not bending over backwards to make him happy but not pissing him off either. WEll, it's time to get D into bed and jammies and such. Wishing you all a peacefull night.

Gina B