You have a very good sense of the dynamic. I am well aware of how damaging the sexual issues were. I do take responsibility for my part. Early on when he left, I took on too much because I was the one seeing the aftermath, my kids pain, cognizant of the long lasting repercussions and I felt that for a woman who values marriage and family as much as I do (and certainly more than him), I should have found a way to make it work. I understand clearly now that he has/had his own path and often provoked and contributed to getting a certain result to give him the ammunition to leave. Make sense? I could feel it happening with the blame and the judgement coming from him. Towards the end he was literally baiting me and starting fights to get a rise...he wanted to leave and follow his "destiny"...
Anyway, I absolutely owned up, validated and apologized for my part. I don't know if you read here about his recent admission of having a myriad of issues but went on to attribute it to his astrological sign and he has accepted himself the way he is...it was quite a stunning piece work.
If a boy wants to feel like a man, I guess he has to be a man...sadly my H's dad left his mom and I think part of his perception of being a man is leaving. He sees it as standing up for himself but I see being a man as standing up in the marriage. I think it would be hot as a hell to be with him if he was the man of the house...
As for his success or lack there-of, he has had great successes and losses with me. I was an absolute support and partner in his career advancement. After he left, he told me that everything was finally happening for him. It was so hurtful. A) I've been there every step leading up to that point. B) Since then, his income has actually plummeted.
Met with a writer friend last night, feeling very productive. We're developing a project together. He has a GF so it was fun, safe and informative (guy perspective)...
then went to a movie with H
it was odd, so detached. I felt really neutral and relaxed but I think it is sort of like hammering nails in the coffin to be together in that space...I mean, so dispassionate.
I think the tiny part of me that thought maybe he'd sweep in and save us from going all the way (me moving into a new, smaller place with kids and out of our home, filing legal docs etc.), is now pretty much dissolved. But, who knows?
This is a very odd, mature but unromantic place to be. Ahhh, growing up is hard to do.
Keep growing up. But leave room for a little hope too. Have a great weekend
AKA: "Ben the school teacher" --- Me:45, W:41 | Ds:10,12&14 | M:18, T:20 Me: MLC+PA+WAS+Separated 10/08 My Request to Reconcile Denied 7/09 W w/OM 6/09-11/09
Met with a writer friend last night, feeling very productive. We're developing a project together. He has a GF so it was fun, safe and informative (guy perspective)... then went to a movie with H
it was odd, so detached. I felt really neutral and relaxed but I think it is sort of like hammering nails in the coffin to be together in that space...I mean, so dispassionate.
I think the tiny part of me that thought maybe he'd sweep in and save us from going all the way (me moving into a new, smaller place with kids and out of our home, filing legal docs etc.), is now pretty much dissolved. But, who knows?
This is a very odd, mature but unromantic place to be. Ahhh, growing up is hard to do.
And here I thought you were just looking for the right time & place to dig a hole and bury him in the desert somewhere but you needed a whole bunch of lyme for the job ;-)
I think going out wasn't a bad thing, a movie was probably safe for the 2 of you, you didn't have to talk much, just sit in each other's company, hopefully it wasn't that painful.
I liked hearing that part about you going to the movie with your "H"
i'm sure it was odd & uncomfortable, you're both "guarded" against each other, ready to defend yourselves at a moment's notice from the other person's possible attack so it feels very strange having to sit beside each other and be... quiet.
And guess what... you survived to tell us about it.
It definitely wasn't a bad thing.
If you're expecting sparks, romance and explosions to happen... don't. That's alot of pressure on you, him and right now you both should have zero expectations, that way anything above the zero baseline is a pleasant unexpectant surprise.
You have a very good sense of the dynamic. I am well aware of how damaging the sexual issues were. I do take responsibility for my part. Early on when he left, I took on too much because I was the one seeing the aftermath, my kids pain, cognizant of the long lasting repercussions and I felt that for a woman who values marriage and family as much as I do (and certainly more than him), I should have found a way to make it work. I understand clearly now that he has/had his own path and often provoked and contributed to getting a certain result to give him the ammunition to leave. Make sense? I could feel it happening with the blame and the judgement coming from him. Towards the end he was literally baiting me and starting fights to get a rise...he wanted to leave and follow his "destiny"...
Anyway, I absolutely owned up, validated and apologized for my part. I don't know if you read here about his recent admission of having a myriad of issues but went on to attribute it to his astrological sign and he has accepted himself the way he is...it was quite a stunning piece work.
If a boy wants to feel like a man, I guess he has to be a man...sadly my H's dad left his mom and I think part of his perception of being a man is leaving. He sees it as standing up for himself but I see being a man as standing up in the marriage. I think it would be hot as a hell to be with him if he was the man of the house...
As for his success or lack there-of, he has had great successes and losses with me. I was an absolute support and partner in his career advancement. After he left, he told me that everything was finally happening for him. It was so hurtful. A) I've been there every step leading up to that point. B) Since then, his income has actually plummeted.
He clearly has to learn his own lessons.
Thanks for being here.
Yes has to want to be a man, and he has to realize that him being a man has nothing to do with what you've done to him or what you haven't done for him, it's all on him, that's his responsibility, he can either own it or he can let it go and the consequences he suffers in his life due to this decision are his own, he won't be able to blame you or anyone else. There should be some comfort in that for you, I'm sure you feel he's been using you as a crutch, his reason for why life treated him so poorly.
My acceptance of D is my secret weapon. I was so terrified and it tempered everything I did and my time with my kids and family and friends.
Now, with that as one option, I am free to be in the moment. Be present, be myself, flourish, take the foggy glasses off and see things for what they are NOW, not the past, not some fantasy, not some prerequisite outcome that I many or not ever achieve. Recognizing your lack of control can take you to rock bottom. I went to that place, kicking and screaming and then, I faced it.
Life is better. I am not glib about divorce, I will never extoll the benefits of divorce. I simply know that I will and must thrive and enjoy my short life no matter what.
It is freedom RSF. And it is attractive. Trust me. My H checked me out from head to toe today and it isn't because he's never seen me look good before. It is because I am alive and vibrant and it intrigues him...
That on a guy is irresistibly hot. Man, I feel like if I was a guy I could work this sh*t so well.
Thank you, at least someone around here finally said it!
No seriously guys I think someone kidnapped AAK and is posting posing as her.
Keep handling it.
Cheers
It was always me. I just had to go through what I had to go through to really be able to own it.
Lessons are learned through experience, not cerebral gymnastics. I have always talked a good game, been into self help, given great advice. Matters of the heart can challenge and make one question everything, do I know anything?
My life turned upside down and inside out. I had to re-adapt, pull my organs out and put them back in (that is truly what this has felt like). I still recognize a rib in the wrong place now and then.
I don't regret hitting the wall. I like where I'm at now.
Has anyone told you how great you are lately?
Seriously, I have said the same things to myself in a million different ways but never this way and yet it's exactly how we feel and that means that we are successful and will continue to be successful and our success isn't measured by the results of our marriage because in the end we can't control our spouses and their respective actions but we can control ourselves and our decisions on how we live life.
Oddly, I felt closer to indifference. Objectively it was sad, like as if it was watching some other couple and knowing what is at stake and what was lost.
But overall, it was fine, just felt kind of pointless.
I emailed him this morning to thank him for the movie and arrange for kid drop off.
He said "you're welcome. sorry we didn't have much time to talk but that's cool." He is also probably going out of town this weekend to work with rock star (you know that racket) for 2 weeks so there wont be any follow up for us. And we have to make an agreement so I can find a new place to live cuz our lease is ending.
