I had a terrible dream last night that H told me he was done and leaving. I woke up all panicked and full of anxiety. I know things are going well. We've gotten along well since we reconciled on Sunday. No R talks, we're hanging out and he's really chatty, we have dates planned, if I say ILY, he says it back, and he's no longer kissing me like his grandma - but arrgh! I feel terrible today.
I still feel like he is avoiding touching me - I know it's soon, I know. Last night he jokingly said something about how I keep telling him what to do. I don't think I am, but maybe he takes me desire for affection to be that way. To me, it's not behind us until that falls into place. It's just such a big part of our relationship that I feel like there's this gaping hole. I feel like he's not attracted to me and doesn't want me. I wish he could articulate it to me, so that I would know it isn't about that. I am trying to keep in mind that he's hurting. I am too. I want to feel better. I want this anxiety to go away. It kind of pisses me off that everything is about him and on his schedule.
I am not saying this to him. I just have to say it somewhere so that I don't mess things up when he gets home. I am doing a pretty good job hiding my anxiety from him, and I do see the improvements. I just...kwim?
Me 34 H 37 Kids 7 & 4 Married 12yrs, together 17 Kiss/EA lasted 2 weeks. NC since 8/7
It's your fault you are feeling this way. The great news is that since it's your fault you can fix it RIGHT NOW.
If your expectations are all rooted in his reactions you are going to be hurt and stressed and giving yourself nightmares. If youre expectations are rooted in you, that's great because you control you.
If you want your H to touch you again, do NOT put a time frame in which this is supposed to happen because you have no control over that. Be confident that it will. Why can't you touch him? Do you? And if you do, how? And what's his reaction?
You think he was joking? Nope. He was dead serious. Stop telling him what to do. Whether or not that's really happening is completely irrelevant and don't even argue about it. His perception is that you're bossing him around. If you REALLY do NOT understand where he's coming from, ask him sincerely and kindly "You know, you said something the other night about me telling you what to do. I'm so sorry, but I'm oblivious and can't see what you are referring too and I want to....can you give me an example? I want to be respectful of your feelings."
And CB, whatever he tells you....believe him, ok? Don't be mad, don't be sad, take the information and work with it.
When my H FINALLY opened up and started talking about his issues with the M, I was shocked and I mean appalled at some of the things he told me about me. I wanted to argue, but realized, truly, he wasn't lying. He wasn't trying to hurt me or needle me or put me in my place. He really saw things that way, it really happened for him the way he was describing. It sucked to hear, but I'm working with it and I think I've been able to make some real strides. You can too.
You are looking at one tree right now, and every now and then glancing at the forest. Take some steps back so you have better vision. Concentrate on those positive improvements you see.
Wow, cantbreathe. Your husband sounds just like mine and you sound like me, only stronger. The situations are even somewhat similar. I've been even more weapy and emotional. I'm going to watch your posts and try to follow your example.
You can't understand or make sense of it, believe me I spent the month of June on the internet trying to do that. I'm very weepy today, probably because he is supposed to call me tonite and I can't have any expectations...none!
Me 55 H 49 Married 21 years No kids bomb 5/09 filed 7/09 divorced and moving forward 5/10
Things are going pretty well. We talked a bit about me telling him what to do on Friday. He didn't say much, but i am paying attention to try to see where he might feel that way. We also talked about sex and being affectionate, and about that he feels bad still. It was a very productive talk and Saturday morning we ended up doing the deed at his initiation. I was really so surprised. We went out with friends that night, and he was a little quiet. The kids were at my mom's for the night and we were able to sleep in and even cuddle. Even had sex again this morning. He's also saying he loves me daily. It feels so good.
He is still dealing with his issues though as am I. I still have a hard time giving him space and he still has a hard time understanding that I need more than usual right now. Over all, though, it's great. A fight free week, really talking, ILY's and sex. I really didn't think we'd be here a week ago. ANd really the most important thing I've done to help us get here is shut up. I find myself really thinking now before I say something. There have still been times I shouldn't have said anything, but even then, things are better. I am feeling like we will really be able to get past it. I am looking forward to a time of not thinking about it everyday.
Me 34 H 37 Kids 7 & 4 Married 12yrs, together 17 Kiss/EA lasted 2 weeks. NC since 8/7
Good stuff. Stay out of your head. Keep doing things for you. Relax and don't analyze everything he does and says. Pay attention to when he needs space and give it to him and take some for yourself too. Good stuff.
The rest of the weekend was pretty good as well. More, sex, more ILY (even if I did say it first) and a small discussion when I asked him to let me know if he needed me to back off. Later that night he gave me a kiss, smile and said "go away". I left him be and we were able to go on with our pleasant evening.
He's not saying much about any of it. Not that he usually would.
Things I'm looking for in the future:
1. Continue spending enjoyable time together and talking (not R talk) 2. More affectionate touching 3. H to say ILY first 4. This may be far fetched, but I like him down the road to really show he loves me, wants to be here, is sorry. Just to be grateful that I am still here.
I know that last one is not goal oriented and I am not focused on it. It's just a secret wish. Maybe one day.
So has anyone else noticed the the sex is different after you reconcile? I know he never slept with the OW, so I'm not seeing his new moves, but... Just a little rougher, he's more dominant? - Not sure if that;s the right word. I know I've wanted to break from our routine for a long time, but was too shy. I told him last night how much I liked it. Is the change in style a common thing?
Me 34 H 37 Kids 7 & 4 Married 12yrs, together 17 Kiss/EA lasted 2 weeks. NC since 8/7
In my experience, and it's sort of limited, wasn't much of slut....but in my experience, dominance, yes is a style.
Enjoy it. As long as you are comfortable and happy, that's all that matters on that subject as far as I'm concerned, which in this case, isn't very much at all!
